The Excuse that makes me want to SCREAM (and I am NOT a screamer)...

Hey Guys…


So I am about to head into a nine days stretch at work where I have to work 8 of those nine days and therefore I wanted to jump on here and post something just in case I can’t get around to it the rest of the week (and well cause let’s face it… I’m a girl and I like to talk)!

Anyway, today I want to talk a little bit about excuses….or actually just one excuse that I hear over and over and over again from friends and family about working out. I cannot tell you the amount of times I hear in my day, “well I can’t work out because I don’t have a gym membership” or “I can’t work out because I don’t have equipment”. That is the biggest lie in the world! You do not need a gym membership or any fancy equipment to get a good work out…and I am solid proof of that!

Most people assume that since I’ve lost so much weight I must be the queen of the gym. The reality however is that I HATE going to the gym. In fact I am pretty much intimidated by everything in there (I don’t really know how to use most of the machines and I always feel like everyone is looking at me even if they aren’t, which is just…well…. awkward). When I first started out losing weight I did two things in particular. One, I walked (and I mean walked. I would grab my headphones and walk out the door not to return for at least an hour) and then I got one of those cheap little foam steps that are like a foot off the ground and I’d just stepped off and on it for hours at a time (I know it sounds boring…but I would either watch TV while doing it or make a game out of it by trying to beat how many steps I could take per minute).

Now a day’s I’ve moved on to running, biking, elliptical, weight training, and my all time favorite (all though quite a killer workout) stair climbing/running (I prefer to do this down at the local high school track but in the winter it’s kind of hard so I do a hundred sets on the staircase pictured to your right….so really it’s nothing fancy). With the exception of using an elliptical (which I was lucky enough to get for a birthday present two years ago) and a bike the only real equipment I use is my own body weight and dumbbells (which are completely affordable). So I don’t want to hear any more about this “I can’t cause…” business! You can DO it! You should do it! So get out there and DO IT! No excuses!

Jess

Getting back in the right mind set... week 1 of training!

  Hey peeps..what up?!?!  So it's been a pretty busy week for me but  I finally got back into training mode and have been killing it in workouts as well as getting my nutrition under control.  I've also been taking more time to focus on me....which has involved spending more time away from my sister and more time focusing on things I enjoy (like bible study, friends, and running).  It seems like for the first time in a while I am finally being able to tackle my dream of running on all four cylinders this year!
  So one thing I've learned this first week in training (cause lets face it, if the journery is the destination then I better be learning something along the way) is that the basics really are important!  I am one of those people who will skip out on stretching in order to save time, or will run as soon as I am done eatting for the same reason).  Twice this week I was reminded just how much these things are a no-no.  For one running directly after eating not only gave me the worse side ache ever...but also made for a miserable run, at a slower place, and just all around fustration.  And then on the two nights where I tried to skim out on my stretching, I woke up the next  morning so sore and stiff that my body didn't even want to get out of bed.  SO incase you are wondering....there is a reason the basics are the basics!
  Oh and another thing that I am going to try out this week is this one a day vitamin that dissolves in water.  Since I've been young I've always had a really hard time swallowing pills.  However lately I have been extremely tired and think it probably comes from the fact that I don't get nearly enough of the vitamins I need from my food (for example I'm not a vegan but I don't enjoy meat..so I know for sure that I lack iron).  So when I saw this in the store today I thought it was worth the try.  I'll keep you all updated on whether or not it makes any difference.
  Well for now this is all, gotta get some sleep considering most days this week I've been up way past my bed time to watch the olympics (can you say "Go team USA!"....way to inspire a nation)!
Jess

Just a little pep talk!

Hey Friends!


So I don’t know about you but I am a HUGE fan of the Olympics! There’s just something about watching normal people push their bodies to extremes and then prove the impossible possible! The thing is, we only see a tiny fraction of what it takes to stand on the podium with a gold medal around your neck (hee hee… I act like I would know) and it’s those moments…the ones that nobody sees that really inspire me! In fact in the words of Apolo Anton Ohno "If I have given my all and still do not win, I haven’t lost. Others might remember winning or losing; I remember the journey." You see it’s not about the moment in the spotlight….it’s about the blood sweat and tears you leave on the gym floor when nobody is watching!

Jess

Why is it?!?!

  So I am not nor will I ever be the kind of person who actually looks forward to working out.  Infact I am actually more so the type of person who absolutely dreads the idea of it until about half way through a workout session, at which point I switch from dread to excitment at the idea that it's almost over.  So why is it that almost every time I work out as soon as its done I think about how I should do it more often.  It's like the euphoria of actually accomplishing something clouds my judgement and I automatically start thinking about getting up early the next day to do it again or planning my schedule better so that I can figure out how to fit in more regular workouts.  Sadly that feeling only lasts about an hour or two and by morning I'm back to dreading my workouts and finding every excuse in the book not to fit it in.

 Now if only I could find a way to bottle my post workout motivation...then not only would I always find myself on track...but I would also find myself quite rich...hee hee

The opposite of worry is….

By nature, I am a worry wart….always have been and probably always will be. Call it an in ability to trust God or an overzealous need for control…but none the less I can stress myself out on the drop of the dime over some of the most needless things. In terms of weight loss….well that can just wreak havoc for me. I mean we all know that stress produces cortizol which leads to belly fat. But for me stress also leads to a need to eat…food is comfort to me…even though ultimately in the end it becomes anything but.

Lately I have been finding myself stressing out so much …almost to the point that I have this constant ball of tightness in my stomach (like a stomach ache or ulcer)…and then it hits me….the only thing that I can truly control in this life is my body (which includes everything from my emotions to my weight). I have control over what I put in my mouth and ultimately I have control over whether or not I work out. I can control how much weight I lose and how much I gain but the amount of effort I put into this journey.

Now don’t get me wrong…I see I am treading a very fine line here. I mean we all have read how this kind of behavior and/or thought process can lead to all sorts of eating disorders. But what I am saying is…it’s time to take some of my power back. I feel like in so many ways life has once again stolen bits and pieces of me….and I’m slowly reverting back to this place of not knowing who I am and what I am capable of. It’s time to change that….it’s time to take back some control….it’s time to show life that it can knock me down but it will never knock me out!

And that’s my personal pep talk for the night…hee hee!

Jess

Out with the Old, in with the New..the January/February Edition...

Well, now that January is pretty much coming to a close I thought it would be a bit appropriate to do a bit of soul searching. Okay so really I got nothing too deep on my mind just some reflecting and goal planning for the months past and future. In January I had a goal to lose 10lbs…as of my last weigh in I lost a grand total of 5.5lbs…a teeny tiny bit more than half my goal and pretty much a bit over a pound a week…so I got no complaints. In February my goal is not so much pounds related as it is health related. I’ve decided that for Lent I am going to give up drinking coffee (I know crazy right! Especially for a coffee lover like me. However I find that most mornings I wake up with the feeling that I HAVE to have my morning coffee or I can’t possibly make it through my day, and well the only thing that should have that sort of power over me is God). I’m not much of a soda drinker or a juice drinker, so hopefully this will in turn also help me to reach my first goal of the month, which is to drink at least 64oz of water a day (yes that involves many more trips to the bathroom in the day but for a girl who constantly lives in a state of dehydration it’s probably a good thing I try to drink more). My second goal is simply to walk 2 miles a day (or jog if I feel up to it). I know, I know…that seems like such a pitiful goal for a girl whose done all these races and once prided herself on burning insane amounts of calories per workout, but the reality is this past month I struggled A LOT with getting workouts in (mostly because I had it in my head that I had to go BIG or should just do nothing at all). This month it’s all about just doing something….next month we can build from there.


Alright so those are my goals for the coming month. What are yours?

Jess

my science of emotional eating....

SO if you’ve been reading my blog for any stretch of time you might have noticed that I am the queen of emotional eating. In general I am an emotional person anyway, but I am also not very good at expressing myself and so I tend to turn to food for the comfort that I wish I could find in so many other places. Having been on this weight loss journey for a while now I know that in the long run food never satisfies….in fact usually after a binge all I end up feeling is eaters remorse on top of whatever unidentifiable emotion I was feeling before I turned to food. And I’m an extreme case when it comes to binging. I’m not the girl who eats a bag of chips and feels bad…..no I’m the girl who when on a binge will eat a bag of chips, popcorn, cookies, donuts, and then wash that down with ice cream, pie, and endless amounts of caloric drinks….the whole time knowing I’m making the wrong choice but choosing also in the moment not to care! So the question remains…why do I keep doing this?!?!




Well for one I think it has a lot to do with the fact I already mentioned… I don’t know how to express myself very well. It seems that on top of being the queen of emotional eating I am also the queen of wanting other people to really like me….and so I’ve grown accustomed to being the person who shares what I think other people will accept of me and keeps the rest bottled in (in turn basically telling myself that I don’t even truly believe the whole me is good enough). Those left over emotions eventually build up over time to the point where I can no longer figure out where they are coming from or how to address them…so I do what I know how to do…EAT! Sure in the end it doesn’t change anything….but for a brief moment I can satisfy one of my needs….I can figure out what I am craving…and I can have it. In a very twisted way it makes me feel like I can at least do something right for myself (well maybe it’s not “right” but you know what I mean)!



So where does that leave me? I know what I do…I have ideas why I do it…but yet I have no plans on how to STOP. I don’t want to be this type of person the rest of my life. I know there are much better alternatives out there in terms of satisfaction. In fact one place I find myself turning to more and more is my faith. For me…faith isn’t this flighty concept with a distant God. To me…my relationship with God is the realist thing I know. God is the only person who knows EVERYTHING about me and is still there…He hasn’t turned His back on me…and that amazes me every moment of every day! So why is it that I don’t invite God into my weight loss journey?!?! Not that God can keep me from eating cupcake after cupcake, but I know He is the only thing that can ever truly satisfy…so instead of food maybe I need to learn to turn to him…with not just my life but my emotions (as if the two are truly separate).



Anyway…I guess this is more of a “sort things out in my own mind” kind of blog….but it’s reality….. These are the things I struggle with…day in and day out….without ever really talking about it. Time to open up ….open up the possibility that things can and will be different!



Jess

sometimes you just have to try something new...

Hey there!


So it seems that I have become quite bad about blogging this month. I started off great and then I think life just got in the way….well, either that or I realized that I didn’t have too many “important” things to say and figured I should wait until I do…which as you can see doesn’t seem to be that often. But I guess what that just proves is that I am missing the whole point of this blog… I mean this about sharing my weight loss journey…and my journey to a better, more whole me….and sometimes…well I am just boring (gee doesn’t that just make you want to keep reading!).

Anyway…this past weekend I actually did do some exciting things and so I thought what the hay, let’s share!

First thing first…I had my second cooking lesson on Friday (yeay for friends willing to put up with my endless naïve questioning about such things as “Why is the water gurgling” and “When do I season”)! This week’s lesson was all about couscous, the perfect veggie mix, and chicken (my first lesson was on fish and risotto). On top of that I spent a good hour in the grocery store getting taught the importance of eating fresh and all the great things you can find in just the produce section (it was kind of like being on “Take home chef”….well without the really hot Australian guy)! Anyway this week’s lesson was extremely important too because it all boiled down to me being able to make an entire dinner for my parents for their anniversary without any help (which I did today). I gotta say watching people cooking is so much easier then actually doing it. The very process of throwing a little of this and a little of that into a pot and coming out with something that tastes even remotely good, pretty much overwhelms me (let alone it never quite works out for me)!

Anyway it turns out that my father accidentally ate my left overs from my cooking lesson, which I had thought I had done a good job of hiding but apparently didn’t…and so today at the last minute I ended up having to combine the two lessons and came up with a dinner of salad, lemon chicken, mushroom and onion risotto, and a veggie mix of snap peas, red peppers, onion, and mushroom, with a key lime pie for desert (which was only a little tart cause I used too much limeade…a rookie mistake..hee hee)! Considering my father is a chef (well former chef) I considered it a job well done when the only thing bad thing he said was that the chicken was a bit cold (which it wouldn’t have been if he had come home from church on time)! Now I think it’s time to try conquering some of the recipes in all the cookbooks people have been sending my way (see picture to the right).

Oh and for another moment of excitement in my life….today I followed the words of Jillian Michaels and “Felt the fear and did it anyway”! Basically I am not really good about ever really wanting to put myself out there. I like the idea of change but the footwork…or actually the idea that the footwork could actually lead to my rejection….usually holds me back from actually doing anything to really change my life. Well lately I’ve been having a difficult time with accepting the beliefs of my church and so I’ve been thinking a lot about checking out this other church that I pass every day on my way to work. All week I planned that today would be the day I would do that since I was planning to spend the weekend at my parent’s house and the church is seriously 5 minutes from their door. Well when it actually came time to go this morning I was so nervous about it. I mean it’s not like anyone invited me to go or like I had a good reason for just showing up. I figured I would stand out like a sore thumb and I wasn’t really sure if it even was the kind of church I would truly feel comfortable attending (mostly because I knew very little about it). Anyway I almost completely convinced myself to skip church and hang out at the coffee shop for the morning, when I realized that I couldn’t do that. It’s like I had this moment where I felt like I was deciding to shrink back into this old lesser version of me or I could choose to just put one foot in front of the other, put myself out there, and see what happens. So I went and I loved the service (actually it was probably the first time in almost a year where I truly felt the presence of God in a service) and was really glad I went (even though as I was leaving the pastor stopped me and it turned into a really awkward conversation on my part).

Anyway…this is turning out to be a very long post (I guess that’s what happens when I don’t blog for almost a week). I’ll fill you all in on some more fun stuff later.

Jess

Week two gut check...

So I don’t know what happened last week….actually I do. I was so gung-ho about my first weeks weigh in that I think I pretty much let it go to my head and started thinking that I didn’t need to work as hard or watch my calories as much and wouldn’t you know it, I stepped on the scale Friday morning having gained two pounds (ugh)! Well that pretty much sucked, but it was also the gut check I really needed to remind myself that weight loss isn’t an all or nothing thing. You don’t burn yourself out in the first week if it’s not going to be sustainable for the next week and you don’t think that just because you lost weight the first week means you can slack the next. Ultimately this is about life…and that’s no way to live. So this week it’s been all about getting back on track in terms of creating a healthy lifestyle that will work in my every day, day to day operations. And guess what? As of this morning I was already down three pounds which means I am inching ever so closely back to being under 200lbs and I’ve also lost the weight I gained last week plus another pound bringing me to my lowest weight in over six months…whoo hoo! Only a few more days to weigh end so it’s no time to get cocky now…but it’s nice to know I am heading back in the right direction!!!

Jess

Step one....Admittance.

Hey guys!


So this week I have proven once again that I am a total food addict. I don’t know what it is… I can do great all day and then I get home at night and I’m like a ravenous beast who can’t possibly get enough food (and it’s not like I’m really starving or like I’m truly hungry because usually the stuff I go for is CRAP with a capital C!). I mean seriously it’s kind of like an alcoholic who just has to have that one last drink (except of course the last drink is never the last drink until they hit rock bottom)… I am pretty much addicted to food and since I can’t just stop eating I’m kind of stuck (sometimes it really sucks that I am such a black and white person)! To top this off I have seriously only had one good workout this week…one…and we are six days into the workout week. I can pretty much assume from that assessment that the scale isn’t going to be all that friendly to me this week…but I guess I deserve the snub since I really haven’t put in the work.

I guess in some sense it’s time to go back to the drawing board….I mean I obviously need to eat enough to get me through an eight hour work day and a one hour workout, but not so much that I’m compulsively overeating like food is going out of style at the end of the day. To help I’ve done a bit of research on the topic of overeating and one of the number one things they say to do if you find yourself doing this is to tell someone. Again I guess it’s kind of like an alcoholic who can’t defeat their addiction without first admitting there’s a problem. So I guess that’s what I am doing here… I admit it…. I am a food addict…at times I overeat just because (I know there’s got to be more to it than just because it tastes good to me… I mean I wish I was like some of my friends who don’t crave crap anymore and don’t enjoy eating it, but that’s not me…)…but no matter the reason it needs to stop! I will not go thru another year gaining and losing the same ten pounds over and over again like I have the past six months. I will find a way and I will move forward (so if you got any ideas or tips feel free to help a girl out okay?!)!

Jess

Down to business... Week 1 weigh in results...

Hey there!!! Okay so unlike last night when I said I was going to be short and then wasn’t … tonight is just a drive by post.

So today was my first official weigh in of the New Year and guess what?!?! I lost 7.5lbs!!! Whoo hoo!!! In my mind I can rationalize away all the reasons why I lost such a large amount of weight and make it seem like no big deal, but instead I am choosing to celebrate it!!! I worked hard this week and chose to make healthier decisions when easier, less healthy ones were always avaiable!  I deserve this!!!  In fact I’ve even decided to take it one step further and use this week’s weigh in as motivation to prove with next week’s weigh in that this wasn’t just a fluke (if that makes sense). I will have another good number next week and I will be out of the 200’s once again and for all times sake by the end of this month (and hopefully sooner).

And for all you math geeks (I mean genius’s) out there here’s the breakdown of my weight in:

Starting weight: 214

Current weight: 206.5

Lbs lost this week: 7.5

% of weight loss: 3.05%



Night all =)

Jess

One of these days it was bound to happen....

Hey there! So quick note from me tonight because I really need to head to bed (I have to work in the morning and it’s getting late), but I was quite proud of myself so I wanted to share something I did today. So in my mind I am a great cook…I picture myself on stage cooking with the greats like bobby flay and Curtis stone (although as you can see although I enjoy cooking my knowledge of actual chefs is limited)…concocting some amazing meal out of scratch that wows the world. In reality though I can make some decent eggs and a few varieties of prepared chicken breast but that is about it….that is until tonight!


So I had the day off from work today and so I planned all day to make dinner. I wanted to make something healthy but tasteful and I wanted to be able to actually make it correctly. I ended up googling a recipe for turkey burgers online this morning though and since I couldn’t find exactly what I wanted I just decided to fudge it and come up with something of my own based on a memory of something I once saw on Rachel ray (years ago my BIL use to watch Rachel Ray every night and I use to comment on how funny I thought it was…who knew something from that show would someday be useful to me).

Well after the morning relaxing at Fivebucks (affectionately named that cause it costs you an arm and a leg to have anything other than coffee there) I headed to the grocery store to pick up my ingredients, then I did some prep work and after some time to relax I spent another 30 minutes in the kitchen creating this beauty (see pic to right)!!!

That would be a homemade garden salad filled with red leaf lettuce, snap peas, tomato, strawberry and parmesan cheese and topped with balsamic vinaigrette. Then you have a homemade turkey burger with feta cheese, tomato and garlic mixed in and then topped with lettuce and two slices of turkey bacon and all on lightly toasted piece of wheat bread (a sandwich totaling about 360 calories) and on the side we have homemade sweet potatoes fries lightly seasoned with garlic, pepper, and sea salt!

So all together the meal ended up being about 710 calories but since I missed lunch (I know horrible but by the time I got home and prepped the food, then put on laundry, cleaned the kitchen and cleaned two bathrooms it was already an hour before dinner so I just figured I might as well wait) I wasn’t too upset about such a high calorie dinner. Plus….and here’s the best part… it was actually really tasty!!! Go me (hee hee…yes I am self bragging here).

Anyway that’s a bit of a triumph for me and since I don’t want this blog to just be about working out and my emotional side (cause let’s face it I do a lot of…let’s just say venting…on here) I figured this would be the perfect thing to share!

Jess

Well so much for being short….but PS… my mom had surgery tonight to remove some nodules in her neck and her thyroid. She made it though surgery and is fine but they told her tonight that some of the nodules look suspicious so they are sending them off to be tested. Now considering we are now just coming up on the one year anniversary of my BIL’s passing from cancer in his NECK…we are all a little on edge…so prayers would be greatly appreciated!!!

An Underlying Confession…

So the other night my sister and I had one of our talks...the kind we have every few months when one or both of us realize that something is not working and our living situation has gone to the pits. It was a good conversation...different than I expected but good. Surprisingly in the midst of our conversation I made a confession that I don’t think I’ve spoken out loud all year…and that is that I’m just not happy. I realize now looking back on the conversation that my comment could have been taken a million ways but really what I meant was I wasn’t happy on the inside and no matter what we change in our relationship that fact will never change unless I do something about it.

The reality is I haven’t been happy for a while and honestly it stems from not being comfortable in my own skin. When I was my heaviest at 310lbs I was super unhappy. I would cry myself to sleep and felt alone in the world. I hated who I was and who I was becoming. But I never expected to still feel that way after losing over 100lbs. Yet here I sit still 102lbs lighter than I was then and still not satisfied. In fact I think that’s why I enjoy the concept of “abundant life” so much….this idea that every moment in life can be so full that it’s bursting at the seems and you can’t help but lose yourself in the pure emotion of it all. That’s the kind of life I want to lead…but I can’t…cause I’m stuck in this overweight body that holds me back from being as confident and forth coming as God created me to be.

That’s why this year I am eagerly looking forward to working on all aspects of my life. I’ve started a wall of thanks in my room where each night I write one thing I am thankful for so that every day I am reminded of the good things I have in my life. I also started reading my bible consistently again and really spending time remembering who God is and what he’s been/done for me. And today was the first day this year that I got in a real workout (not one of those cheesy ones I tend to do when I’m not sure what to do) and reminded myself that I have the power to change anything in my life…I’ve just got to be willing to put in the time and effort.

I believe this is going to be a year of restoration for me. A year where I am reminded of the true joy I once knew (and not just because I was skinnier but because I was finally being myself and living life) and an opportunity to not only love myself more but to find that joy unspeakable that I know God has promised me!

I am not sure where this journey will lead…what it’s going to look like or how in any way it will play out…but I am committed to being honest and to sharing from the heart where ever I may go. So maybe this is a few days late…but here’s to 2010!

Jess

Off to a rough start...

Hey there!

SO it’s day two into the new year and guess what?!? I’m sick! How annoying is that! I had all these plans for what I wanted to do in the new year and what goals I was looking forward to reaching …and two days into the new year I’m stuck in bed wishing for death (okay so maybe not really for death…but the way I was feeling this morning I could have at least gone for my mommy)!

Anyway I guess the good thing about having time to rest is that I get to think about all the things I am normally too busy to think about. For instance today I thought a lot about what I want in the New Year…or maybe more so the things I don’t want. Last year was a hard year for me….my life changed completely and once again I found myself in that place where I came last. I am done with that! I love my family and I love being there for people but this year I’m going back to focusing on me! Don’t get me wrong I’m still gonna give, just not at the sacrifice of myself anymore…cause I matter too (you know)!

So some things I decided that I am done with in 2010 are… feeling bad when other people don’t understand why I focus so much on my weight loss….Letting other people treat me bad and just taking it cause I’m afraid of losing another friendship (albeit a crappy one) in my life….stressing over things that I cannot change (even if originally I made the bad decision or mistake to bring it on)….trying to figure out how other people are feeling and where they are coming from when they are unwilling just to tell me (I’m not a telepathic people…I can’t read minds so please just be real)….And complaining about situations that I am not willing to change (I need to remember that nothing is going to change unless I make it, so unless I’m willing to put in the work or take the chance I need to stop complaining so much).

So I don’t know, maybe that’s a bit of a pessimistic outlook heading into a new year, but in some sense I think it’s good…I mean half the battle of knowing what you really want in life is knowing what you don’t…so in some sense I guess I’m half way there!

Jess

What are the things that motivate you?!?!

Hey there!

So I am quite the visual person. I need to SEE things to believe them. I need to LOOK at something to understand it. And I need a VISION of what I am working towards in order to get there. With that said today I spent most of my morning cleaning up my room and preparing for the New Year. One thing in particular I did was to start a new collage of motivational things (see picture to the right). I don’t know about you but when it comes down to either working out or sitting on the couch for a few more hours, seeing a picture of Jillian Michaels staring at you helps make it easier to make the right decision!  So this is what I created...to remind me of all the reasons I am doing this!

I also decided that this year in order to track my weight loss progress I needed something tangible to look at. So I bought one of those desk calendars that you can write all over and hung it on my wall right next to my desk (see picture to left). That way every night I can write down what I did for a workout and each week I can track my weight. For me it has always helped to use the calendar method for workouts cause too many blank days in a row remind me to get back on track! Speaking of tangible items of motivation, I also pulled out a pair of size 10 jeans that were my FAVORITE jeans to wear last Christmas. These are my goal pants…I cannot wait to fit back into them)!

And finally the last thing I’ve done to prepare for the New Year is buy a new calorie tracking journal (see picture to right). Weight loss is the simple equation of calories in and calories out, so if I am not tracking my calories there is no way of knowing what I am taking in or how much I need to burn….thus the calorie journal!

Now that just leaves me sending my heart rate monitor in to get repaired (I meant to do that before now but Christmas drained me of any excess mullah I had) and creating my I want list for 2010 (don’t worry I’ll post it as soon as I am done).

It seems like I am off to a great start….so HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE…. I’ll write you again in 2010!

Let the countdown begin!

Hey there!


Can you all believe it…we are only a few days away from 2010! I remember being a little girl in elementary school and writing a theme paper on what life would be like in 2010….let’s just say my imagination got the best of me back then (think robots and life on mars) but I can honestly say there is so much more to life these days than I could have ever imagined back then. And like with the ending of everyYear and the beginning of a New one, I have been spending lots of time reflecting and dreaming lately…and one thing I have decided is that 2010 will be the year I will run on all four cylinders. My goal is simply to focus on my mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual health so that I can be a healthy, happier person (hee hee…so maybe that’s not so simple).

It’s seems like throughout my life I have been really good at focusing at each one of these things…just a different times. When I was in school I truly believed that I was mentally preparing myself for whatever would come my way in this world….I got straight A’s and tried to absorb every last morsel of what I was being taught just in case it became valuable to me at some point in life (which in most cases it has). When I spent my first year in Oakland I met with my first lay counselor who tried to help me get my anger/rage issues under control (which thankfully I did). Also during my Oakland years my relationship with God because the most personal thing in the world to me…because honestly 3,000 miles away from everything I had ever known all I had was God (and He used those years to teach me that still today He is my everything). And then of course there is a few years ago when I started my weight loss journey and lost 130lbs…and really pushed my body in the most physical ways I could...that I learned that my body is a temple that needs to be taken care of as well.

This year I want to focus on not just prospering in one of these ways….I want it all (hee hee…when I was little I use to have this comic t-shirt that said that very same thing…I wish I had it now to post it on my wall)! Ultimately though, I think all of these things are wrapped up in one main goal for the year…and that is… “To be as committed to MYSELF as I am to others”!

If any of you actually know me…you know that I will do ANYTHING for the people in my life that I care about. I love deeply, care deeply, and give deeply….call it my over emotional girlie-ness (hee hee). Unfortunately because I am so willing to give myself to others….I am often left with almost nothing for myself. This is no way to live. If I want to continue to be there for the other people in my life I MUST take care of myself! This is what 2010 will be about for me!

And I Can’t wait to share the journey with all of you!

Jess

Find balance but start somewhere!

I am a zero to sixty kind of girl…I’m either all in or I’m all out… it’s either black or it’s white, it’s right or it’s wrong… there is no gray area with me! And so when it comes to my workouts I work hard…or I don’t work out at all. However this past summer I learned a very valuable lesson about balance.


You see this summer I trained to run a marathon. In fact I started training for that race around this time last year by preparing myself to run a half marathon (the same half that I will be training to run again this year). Well after running the half I gave myself a few weeks off from the sport before jumping in and preparing again to be ready to run a full 26.2 miles. And when it came time to get back into training mode, I went all out….pushing myself beyond my limits and my body to extremes. Sadly what happened was that within a month or so I had completely burned myself out by running too much, too fast, too quickly. Well that in turn lead me to take a few more weeks off from training…and then I made my second bad decision and after not running anything for weeks on end jumped right back into my training from where I left off…only to end up with a stress fracture that lead to even more time away from running and ultimately forcing me to make the decision that a marathon just wasn’t in the cards for me this year. To Come to the place where I had to make that discussion completely disappointed me. I felt like a failure…like a fraud…like a quitter, and even though I did run another half on the day of the full marathon, watching the runners cross that finish line at mile 26.2 made me only regret my poor decision making skills.

You see running, much like weight loss, is all about endurance… and when you train for an event you are suppose to follow a training schedule that builds you up to the point where you are ready to take on a massive distant in the most prepared way possible. When you veer from that plan and push your body in ways it’s just not prepared to be pushed you set yourself up for failure. In the same way exercise is something that builds upon itself. You might have to start off doing “girly” pushups but the more you work at it the closer you get to doing full out military pushups and then maybe even someday one armed pushups. But you see, just like running…you have to be willing to work your way up to it…to take the baby steps… to crawl before you walk.

Now don’t get me wrong, I absolutely believe in pushing your limits and live in the belief that if you want to achieve results you’ve never had you have to be willing to do what you’ve never done. However it’s also important to be smart. If you’ve never worked out a day in your life… start out walking…. If you’ve never picked up a weight, start with something light. Push yourself…but use your head. We all have to start somewhere.

Jess

The Value of knowing your worth...

So last night I borrowed the book “fat Chance” by Julie Hadden from work (gotta love the book borrowing plan that they have for employees at Barnes and Noble) and I gotta say that I couldn’t have decided to read it at a more perfect time. As anyone who has been reading my blog over the past few months can tell, I have been having a really hard time getting back on track with my weight loss journey. And I guess in part my struggle has been to somehow figure out all over again why I’m worth it. That whole concept use to come so easily to me. I would work out for hours on end and push my body to extremes in order to lose weight because I knew without shadow of a doubt that I was worth it and that I would/could do anything I put my mind/body to do! Then I got within 20lbs of my goal…20 measly pounds…and somehow I forgot…I forgot that I am worth it…that I deserve it… that I could do it. And 20 measly pounds from my goal I gave up and gave in. Before I knew it I had put on more weight than I wanted to admit and I no longer believed in myself or my worth. I’ve tried a million ways over this past year to figure it out all over again… to remind myself why it’s all worth it… and to believe that I could stick with it…. And yet each time after only a week or two I would fall back into this state of “what’s the point”. Now I understand the danger in putting this out there so early into my knew found hope (cause as you might have notice my track record hasn’t been all the great as of late), but tonight I feel like I can do anything again… Like I can do this…like I am worth it. And I think in part it came from reading Julie’s book and letting it remind me of a Jillian Michaels quote that I use to keep at the forefront of my mind during every workout and at every meal.


You see I am an avid Biggest Loser watcher. I’ve seen almost every season, including the seasons in Australia, and at times I use the experiences of those people in those seasons to push myself to do what I know needs to be done. In particular there are certain scenes that always stick out to me and I play back in my mind. One of those scenes is from the third season of the biggest loser Australia. In this particular scene Jillian has the entire black team running on the treadmills and one by one she asks them to tell her something about themselves. When she comes to this girl named Carrie-anne(?) she can’t think of anything good to say about herself and Jillian says to her “If you can’t say anything good about yourself how will anyone else ever”?!?!

In my mind I always extend the quote to say things like “If you don’t think your beautiful how will anyone else ever? If you don’t believe in yourself how will anyone else ever? If you don’t think you are worth it how will anyone else ever?, etc”. Tonight…after reading a few more chapters in Julie’s book I’ve extended the quote again. This time I think “If you don’t believe in yourself WHY should anyone else? If you don’t think you’re worth it WHY should anyone else? If you don’t want to take the time to invest in yourself WHY should anyone else waste their time doing so”!

You see if we don’t take the time to make ourselves a priority, we are telling the rest of the world that we don’t matter (in fact we are showing it by the fact that we don’t take care of ourselves). Now I believe in God and I believe in creation…therefore I also have a firm belief that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Thus, if I am worth it to God to put in all the effort of creating me…and keeping me alive thus far…. Then I must have value. I am worth it!

When my weight loss journey first began, a lot of motivation came from wanting to prove to a certain someone in my life that I wasn’t a “Nobody”…funny thing is that looking back now I realize that even in my lowest low I always knew I was “somebody” because if I didn’t I wouldn’t have even tried to put up a fight to prove that I was! Tonight I am thankful that the fire has been sparked up again….the reminder has been placed in my heart. I am valuable, I am worth it, I know I am…and the best way to prove it is to live it out each moment of my life. It’s making decisions about food that say I know I’m powerful. It’s working out in ways that say I’m strong. It’s holding my head up high and knowing no matter where the road leads I will finish this journey because I am worth it!

Thanks Julie for reminding me of that tonight!

Jess

I'm every woman...

There seems to be a chronic condition…an ailment if you will... among women, where all we ever do is put everyone and everything else first instead of investing in ourselves. Call it nature’s nurturing gene or a mothering instinct… but whatever it is almost all women do it. This past month…alright let’s just be full out honest here and say this past year… I’ve been that woman.


Two years ago I took the time to really focus on myself… to get healthy…put myself first…and go after what I wanted. During that time I was the girl who wasn’t ashamed to say exactly what I wanted on my plate when I was out at a restaurant even if it meant my friends were a bit embarrassed. I was the girl who didn’t feel guilty when I made plans around my workouts instead of trying to fit my workouts around all the plans. And I was a person who was full of energy and happy for the first time in my entire life.

Then about this time last year, when my brother-in-law really began to get sick…and my focus shifted and life became about what worked out best for my sister and her kids. Then when my brother in law passed away and I moved into my sister’s house permentantly, my life became even more about pleasing her and the girls instead of about me.  In fact I ended up taking a year off of school and getting a full time job and now my days are filled with hours upon hours of doing for everyone else…hoping that at the end of the day I will have enough energy to do something for me.

This holiday season in particulary has been extra hard on me with my job needing me to work extra hours and my sister wanting me around more so she can go off and do what she needs, and the demands of gift giving. In fact it took a good friend of mine to pull me aside yesterday and basically tell me I do too much for everyone else and not nearly enough for me and therefore she was kidnapping me and forcing me to go out with friends to just to allow me some "me' time (and actually finding myself truly enjoying the opportunity and reveling in every moment of it) that I began to realize that something is a little off. And actually since we are talking in all honestly here….it wasn’t until tonight when I was running on the treadmill feeling completely guilty for working out and spending time on myself while my sister was upstairs just wanting some company…that I truly began to realize that things have gotten out of control.

I’ve somehow become the girl who focuses on what everyone else needs, wants, feels…without ever really checking in on those things within myself until I get to my breaking point. And then when that happens and I start to feel like my life sucks, and nobody cares about me….depression sets in and I feel lifeless and overwhelmed….so I find myself thinking back to the days when I was most happy and I remember that it was the year I put myself first that I found true joy.

So even has I sit here on the brink of an even busier week than the last two, I look forward with confidence knowing full well that to live the life I imagine I have to put myself first…and that’s okay....  I can do that.  I deserve to!

Jess

This is life...

Hey there,


So last week was a really hard week for me. However this week I decided it was time to just go for it…to once again stop making excuses and let life get in the way of all I want for myself. So yesterday morning I got up early and worked out for 30 minutes before my day even began. Then I came home and worked out for 30 more minutes before I went to bed. What is more is that I focused on eating healthy and even though I was starving when I left work and had to go grocery shopping before I could go home and eat, I still stayed on track.... and it felt great!

That was day one. Today was a bit different. I was supposed to get up early again to work out….but I didn’t… I let myself sleep in. I still stayed on track with my food even though I was tempted all day long. And then tonight I worked out for an hour straight… and I realized that this is life! Some days I am going to sleep in, some days I’m going to be tempted, some days I am going to make bad decisions….but that’s life….but that doesn’t mean that I should ever let life make me quit! I can always find time to get a workout in (whether in the morning or at night), I can always make the better choice when it comes to food, and I can always choose me first no matter what life throws at me! And I will!

Which brings me to another thought… Last Wednesday night they had one of those “where are they now” specials about past contestants from the biggest loser. At the end they showed bob talking to a former contestant who had gained back almost all of his weight. As I listened to bob talk to him I couldn’t help but feel like I related to him in so many ways. No I haven’t gained back 100’s of pounds….but when you gain any amount of significant weight after losing so much you can’t help but feel like a failure. Well one thing I specifically remember bob telling this contestant is “You know how to put the weight on… and you know how to take it off… now you have to figure out how to just live”. That’s the state I find myself at right now. Yes I still have weight to lose but now I’m doing it being a full time parent and working full time…and basically while creating a life. That excites me!

Jess