I probably shouldn’t admit this, but I will.  Growing up, I hated the story of “The Prodigal Son” in the bible.  It’s suppose to be this great story of God’s love and grace…it’s suppose to bring you repentance as you find comfort in a God who loves you in spite of yourself…..it’s suppose to give you that sense of security in the God who  is running arms outstretched to you as you turn your heart back to him.  But honestly….I was never quite able to see that in the story.  Instead what always stood out to me in the story, is the older brother and how even though he did everything right (i.e. he didn’t demand his inheritance…basically spitting in his father’s face and saying I wish you were dead….and then after wasting it all living the crazy life, come crawling back asking for more like his brother), yet in the end it’s his brother who is lavished with love… and acceptance….and an all out welcome home party!   

  In so many ways I can relate to the older brother…..I can almost see his story played out in my own life when it comes to me and one of my own sisters.  So basically, I’ve never really enjoyed the story because reading it always felt like a punch in the gut!  It’s like I could sense I was on the wrong side of the story…I was the “Older brother”….and I was missing out!

  Today I read the book “The Prodigal God” by Timothy Keller and I have to say it truly challenged me to look at the story in a different way and it forced me to examine the state of my heart!  Keller does something in this story that I have never seen before in a book….he takes a well known bible story and makes it 3-dimentional, giving you perspective from every different angle.  He talks about the younger brother (of course) and how he dishonors the father by going out and doing everything wrong, but then he also talks about the older brother and how he was just as dishonoring to the father by doing everything right, but for the wrong motivation!  The older brother may not have “sinned” in the way his younger brother did….but he also assumed that because of everything he did the father OWED him something….in his mind he kept to the “law” of the culture and therefore was deserving of a reward! 

  There’s this great apocryphal story in this book (a story originally told by Elizabeth Elliot but not really in the bible) where Jesus tells the disciples to pick up a rock and follow him.  Peter hearing Jesus say this decides that Jesus never said how big of a rock so he picks up a small stone and then gets behind Jesus as Jesus says “Come follow me”.  Later in the day, Jesus sits down with the disciples, tells them to pull out their rocks and then turns them into bread.  As they are getting ready to leave Jesus again tells his disciples to pick a rock, and having thought he had learned his lesson Peter this time picks up a large stone that is hard to carry and causes him to lag behind during the next part of the journey.  When they finally get to their next destination, Jesus tells the disciples to pull out their rocks and throw them in the water.  Peter is dumbfounded and Jesus responds, “Don’t you remember what I asked you to do? Who were you carrying the stone for?”

  It’s so easy to get caught up in doing things “for” God and expecting something in return!  It’s easy to be a Pharisee and  to demand God do what you want because you think you’ve done what he wants!  What’s hard (at least for me at times) is recognizing how much of a sinner you truly are…..what’s hard is seeing the ugliness of your own heart and recognizing how much you need a savior…..what’s hard is admitting the ways you have tried to be God or control God and then repenting and placing control back in His hands!  But that’s what also makes this story (the prodigal son) so great…..it's recognizing that no matter what side of the story you’re on, no matter how your heart has gone astray, the father’s still coming to reach out to you!  So Thanks Timothy Keller for opening my eyes to the joy of the story!

The Crossroads of Grace and my Faith....

  You know the saying "Bad things come in threes"?  Do you think that that could also be true for learning lessons....at least for those of us who are stubborn and hard headed like me (although that number should be more like 10-20 times)?  It seems lately everywhere I turn I am faced with the Message of grace! Maybe it's the fact that I've been re-working my way through the book "The Reign of Grace" by Scotty Smith that my eyes are so open to seeing the message all around me.  But It also seems that everyone has been talking a bit about grace lately (check out two of my favorite blogs to see what others have to say about it at... http://www.dereklevendusky.com/?p=1146 and http://www.jonacuff.com/stuffchristianslike/2011/08/taking-god-seriously/ ).
  Tonight on my run I was thinking a lot about my relationship with God....both where I've come in it and where I am in it right now....and I realized that grace is such a hard thing for me to comprehend.  I grew up in the church...in fact from the moment I was conceived my butt has in a pew (well maybe not completely consistently but close enough)......and yet the idea that God, who created me and knows me better than I know myself, chooses to show me grace in spite of all that I've done, do and will do is astounding!  I can't wrap my brain around it!
   The crazy thing is.....that's the gospel right there.....that God treats us not as our sins deserve, but instead loves us so much he sent his son to die for us so that we wouldn't have to pay the punishment for our sins and be separated from him forever!  How could I have grown up in the church, been "saved" at the age of 14, and overwhelmingly drawn back to God a year and a half ago....and yet still not have the complete understanding that it's by GRACE I have been saved and not of my own works (Ephesians 2:8)!  How do I get that knowledge to move the six inches from my head to my heart?
  It seems no matter how hard I try to keep my relationship with God real and authentic...and basically gospel centered, I always slide back into the belief that somehow I can earn God's love and acceptance.  For some reason it's easier for me to create an imaginary check list of all the things I'm suppose to do, say and be as a Christian and then check those off as my proof to God that I am some how worthy of the gift of his Son.  Yet I'm not worthy and time and time and time again I am faced with the reality that I am a sinner who will never get it all right..... I am selfish and self centered, I have wrong motivations, I say and/or think rude things, I hurt people, I disappoint people, I build up walls between myself and others, etc.  How does any of this prove that I somehow have earned my way into God's love?!  It can't and it doesn't!  I need grace.....not just just a knowledge of it in my head, but an understanding of it in my heart!

Learning to take Baby Steps....

  I am not one for baby steps!  I like to know where I am going and then get there as quickly as possible.  I will push myself to the limit, stretch myself beyond my own ability and overwhelm every one of my senses in order to reach my goals.  And although at times my expectations for myself are completely irrational and I only end up frustrated and hurt.....I tend to learn the most about myself in those moments when I've pushed myself into a corner and have my back against the wall.

  What's interesting to me however, is how much that attitude cascades over to so many areas of my life.  Take for instance my faith.  I want to be a strong christian.  I want to to used by God.  I want to honor him with my life and make Him proud.  Yet so often in an effort to live the kind of life I think will glorify God, I jump ahead to "doing" all the things I think I am suppose to do, without laying the foundation of just "being" with God.  Then I get to a point where all my efforts fail and I'm hurt and disappointed, and wonder how I got back to square one, huddling in fear, afraid to face the very God who created me.
  Or take a more tangible example.  At the beginning of this year I had grand plans to run 11 races in 2011 and I knew in order to accomplish that I needed to get a lot of miles under my belt.  So even when my body got tired and my leg began to have some pain, I kept pushing myself to do what I was suppose to do without taking a moment to heed my body's warnings about where I really was at.  Then I hurt my leg and ended up having to take three months off from running. 
  Tonight was my first night back out there, and honestly it was hard, but not for the reasons you would think.  Yeah, taking three months off of running (or in my case any form of working out) while sitting around just gaining weight, meant that I have become highly unconditioned.  But what was really hard for me was having to go back to baby steps!  I want to be  out there running for hours, clearing my head, and letting the breeze take me away.  Yet, instead I'm stuck on a schedule, a schedule I chose to follow cause I knew myself and that I would immediately want to jump right back in and forget about laying that foundation.
  It's time for me to understand that I don't always have to learn from my failures.  I don't always have to have such high standards for myself and expect the impossible.  Instead, if I go slow, take my time, and build a firm foundation, maybe I'll be able to reach beyond what I even plan.  Here's hoping that's true.....
  

If God is a God of reconciliation...then who am I serving?!?!

  I wanna believe we serve a God of reconciliation.  That God can take even the most hardest hearts and turn them back to Him and back to each other.  But, what happens when one of those hardened hearts is my own and I'm no longer sure if I want reconciliation?!
  Tonite at dinner my mom informed me that one of my sister's is thinking about starting to attend my church.  Now if I was a "good little Christian" (or at least acting on my best behavior as I so often do in Christian circles), I would be excited about the idea of seeing my sister come to God or even just church.  She's gone through a lot over the past several years and if she truly understood the grace of God it would change her life.
  But instead, once again, my ugly side reared it's head.  It seems lately, all I've been doing if showing my faults.   I feel so overwhelmed lately by my lack and in that moment of my mom sharing this information about my sister with me, I was once again faced with how jaded I truly am.
  To be honest, I'm not sure I'm ready to move forward with my sister....to forgive her...and to begin to once again to give her the benefit of the doubt.  It seems like every time I do that I set myself up for disappointment  and I've had enough of that over the past several weeks.  And yet when I think about her coming to my church, I realise that my heart is completely opposite to the heart of God.  If God is a god of reconciliation...then who I am serving in this situation?!?!

Who gets a workout from a video game?!?!?

  I'm going to let you in on a little secret about myself.....you ready?  I absolutely love the feeling of being sore after a good work out!  I know that sounds weird, but there's something so great about working hard and actually feeling it.  It's like the soreness is a sign that the effort I am putting in is actually doing something!  And that's exactly how I have felt after I've done the Biggest Loser Challenge Wii Game the last two times!  Honestly, I went into it as a huge skeptic.  Who gets a workout from a video game!  But the reality is...it works!  I mean the whole thing involves you actually getting up off the couch and doing the exercises (unlike other workout games I've played before where you can "win" from your seat in a reclined position with a drink in your hand)!  Plus, being that I am quite the competitive person, it gives me that extra incentive to get more points and have a better proficiency than the person I am playing against!  So all in all, I highly recommend it....so, if you can, check it out!

Some Things are better Left Unsaid....

  Once again I have been really bad about blogging.  It's hard though....to some how take the time at the end of a long day to form all the thoughts floating around in my head into words that will some how make sense.  Sometimes it seems easier not to try....so I don't....and then I regret it.  So, kinda like I've been doing all week in terms of working out (I've work out five of the last six days which is almost 100% better then I've been doing for the past three-four months), I am going to get back on track.
  There's so much I could write about, so many thoughts and feelings that could be put out there, but one thing I've learned about myself over the past few months (and something that I truly respect in me) is that I know how to keep my mouth shut when I need to and move on!  You see, most people see me as this nice, quiet girl, who only tells people off in her mind.  But, honestly,  I can't tell you the amount of times in life that my mouth has gotten me into trouble.  It's like my words are a cliff and my emotions are a propeller and 99.9% of the time, the two combine and send me over the edge (by the way what is up with me and precentages tonite?!!?)
  Anyway, I like knowing that I've grown enough to know when it's worth it plead my case, to tell someone off, to voice a complain, to trash talk.....and when it's just better to swallow my pride, admit where I was wrong, and leave it be.  I never thought I would say this, but there is almost a sense of freedom in showing restraint!  Who knew (well besides all those people over the years who have told me just to keep my mouth shut...hee hee)!

Traveling Mercies: Some thoughts on Faith by Anne Lamott

  A few days ago I finished reading Anne Lamott's book "Traveling Mercies" and I've got to say, I really enjoyed it!  In fact, Anne Lamott might be one of my newest favorite authors!  There's something so special about her writing and her life in general.  The way she talks about her life and experiences in such a open and real way, and then seamlessly intertwines her faith journey and relationship with God into her story is quite inspiring.  As I read her words, there were so many moments when I felt such comfort.....as if I was sitting down with a good friend over coffee.  It's like one of my favorite quotes by C.S. Lewis says "Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You too? I thought I was the only one." Reading Lamott's story offered me some much needed comfort in a walk of faith where some times I feel as if I'm walking backwards and upside down. 
  I can't begin to explain how vulnerable and exposed I have left lately.  It's has if God has opened me up and pulled out my organs, examining them with His light...piece by piece... with the whole world watching.  Reading this book, in this moment, has been like a breath of fresh air reminding me that my imprefections do no turn God away and that in fact it's in my weakness that he's able to do his best work!  Plus there's something so freeing about reading a spiritual memior in which the main character doesn't all of a sudden get it all right the moment he/she turns to God (In fact I think the fact that Lamott is open to sharing her struggles and how she reconciles her life and faith into one, that makes me appreciate this book so much).  So if you haven't read "Traveling Mercies"....I highly recommend it! 

You took the Lyrics right out of my own Heart...

  I've been in this really strange place in my relationship with God the past few weeks.  On the one hand I know He's up to something...I can feel His finger stirring things up in my heart....I can see the effects of Him in the choices I find myself making and the actions I am taking.  But on the other hand, I can't for the life of me tell you what that "something" He is up to is.....and that's hard for me!  I hate having all these feelings and half-formed thoughts flying around inside of me....and yet not having a way to let them out...to express them...to do something with them!  I struggle to want to be able to gain control over what feels like is my mess...and yet I recognize that maybe this is the point....I'm not in control...God is!  But still...it's not easy living in this balance....

 Yet I keep pressing on and as I continue on in my walk...I seem to come to these moments where even in the midst of the struggle, I find peace.  It's almost as if I'm a blind person longing for some frame of reference and God is placing my hand on the nearest wall.  I still may not be able see where I am going....but by feeling my way around....I have some sense that it's all right.  It's like the song "Something Heavenly" by Sanctus Real, which says..

"Whatever You're doing inside of me

It feels like chaos but I believe

You're up to something bigger than me

Larger than life something Heavenly"

  ....I know God's working on me...moving in me...doing something...even if it feels like chaos...and really all I can do is surrender!  
  

 

When Mole Hills become Mountains....

  "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-8

I am not normally an anxious person.  I have my moments (as we all do), but for the most part I can remain pretty level headed about things.  But Lately....I don't know...it seems like every time something goes wrong I move at the speed of light from feeling confident that somehow it will all work out, to all out worry that this is the beginning of my life falling apart for good!

  Take for instance today, when I had to take the day off of work in order to bring my car into the mechanics.  Any normal person would be okay doing that because it's what needs to be done.  I on the other hand stressed out about calling out of work to the point that it was as if I would get fired for not showing up.  Even after I called and let them know I wasn't coming I could still feel my stomach in knots.  Then my worry only increased as I arrived at the auto-mechanics to have them take a look at my car, thinking that this might possibly be the last of "Rusty's" nine lives (Rusty is the affectionate name we have for my 15 year old Honda that is slowly deteriorating to it's death).
  All morning while I awaited word as to what could be wrong with it, I worried about what might happen if "Rusty"  truly was out for the count and I had to find a new car immediately.  I thought about how adding a car loan onto my other bills, would mean putting so many other things on hold and how depressing it would feel to work this hard to get ahead and watch it all fall apart in one afternoon.
  Then after hearing that the problem was fixable and agreeing to the work being done today, I found myself stressing out even more about once again putting money into a car that is dying.  I felt my stomach getting even more tighter as I drove to pick it up after the repair, thinking that maybe somehow they quoted me the wrong price and it was going to cost me even more than I had to take it home.
  In the span of 8 hours I traveled from being confident that everything would be okay, to realizing it might not be, to believing that if I made the wrong decision about whether or not to repair the car, I would not only be setting myself up for failure, but change the entire course of my life!!!  How does that happen?!?!  Luckily for me, I was able to come back to my senses....but I can't help but wonder...What is going on?!?!  This is not normal.....and it's Exhausting!

But for the grace of GOD....

  So the other day I heard about this survey a local agency did among homeless people in our region.  The whole thing was pretty interesting to me, considering I would probably give everything I have at the moment to move into the city and serve such people (if only I had some clear direction on how to do it).  But the thing that stood out to me the most was an observation that the common thread among the homeless was that they had nobody to turn to....nobody whose name they could write down in case of an emergency....nobody who would care.  Hearing that changed me somehow....it's grabbed upon my heart and has not let go.  In my mind I just keep thinking that although there are drug addictions, and mental health issues that also attribute to their state, really the only thing separating me from someone on the street is the grace of God!

  Personally, I have a really hard time letting people in.  It's hard for me to let people get to know me to the point that I would rely on them or allow them to see me in my mess and trust that after seeing it they would still be there for me.   So instead, I mostly live on the surface with people.  I let them know enough about me to build a casual relationship, but still hang out on the side of the pool with my feet in the water in terms of any real intimacy.  I might test the waters, by riding a raft to the middle of the sea, but I always quickly return to the edge.  And although deep down I have always desired to have close-knit, intimate relationships with people, I know I will never fully let my walls down enough to let that happen.
  So I cannot help but believe that it truly is God's grace that I was born into the family I have.  We may fight and not really talk about the important stuff.  I may worry that I am a disappointment to them at times or struggle to accept how much they love me, but I know no matter what happens....no matter how lost I could become....I will always have a name I can write down for "in case of emergencies".  And in this moment....that means EVERYTHING!

The kind of questions that keep me awake at night....

  I've been thinking a lot lately about perception...and how people seem to perceive me to be someone that I, quite plainly, am not.  I hear people tell me things like "You're so nice", "You're so laid back", or "You're just so confident"....and I wonder who in the world  they are talking about...cause it certainly ain't me!  I'm not that nice of a person...I tend to be more of a control freak than "laid back"... and most days I am just as insecure as the next girl....so how is it that people come to these perceptions of me?!?!  Am I being fake with the world?!?!  Putting on the face that I know they want to see...acting only in a way that is socially acceptable?!?!  And if that's true, is it such a bad thing....I mean, people seem to think better of me than I tend to think of myself...so how bad can it be?!?!
  For example, I make a strategic effort to not mingle my personal life with my work life.  So when I am dealing with family issues at home I might share the brief, tip of the iceberg, important but not really the main point of the issue with my co-workers, but I don't go into details about it...and I honestly probably never will.  Yet the fact that I don't share these things has lead to the belief that my family life is perfect....okay well not perfect, cause lets face it, nobodies life is perfect, but people certainly have a much more pleasant idea of what life is like for me, then what is reality.
  Or for another example, I am an emotional person...and although I let people see some of those emotions, I prefer not to cry in front of people or punch the wall when people are looking.  I would rather people not see me struggling, or depressed, or mad or just plain old broken.  Yet that leads people to believe that I am so much stronger than I actually am....and it gives them this picture of me that just doesn't match up with reality.
  Not that I am saying we should all go out and lay every inch of ourselves bare in front of the whole world (I mean obviously we need to walk in wisdom), but if how people perceive us is different than how we actually are...doesn't that say something about us?!?!  How much pressure could we release ourselves from if we were just real with who we are?!?!  But that's not socially acceptable....people don't like seeing other peoples junk....it's uncomfortable and awkward.  So where do you draw the line?!?!?!  These are the kind of questions that keep me awake at night....

It's all a state of Mind....

  So over the past few days I keep hearing myself make comments like, “Well I should probably take that day off of work then so I can be in the right frame of mind” or “just give me a heads up so that I can get myself into the right mindset”.  And honestly the more I hear these words come out of my mouth the more convicted I am becoming.  Maybe it’s because I’ve been reading through (among plenty of other things…so prepare yourself for a plethora of book reviews) Brother Lawrence’s, “The Practice of the Presence of God”, but I can’t help but wonder shouldn’t I always be walking in the correct state of mind.  I mean yeah work, and family, and church….they all come in different aspects and different challenges, but shouldn’t it be the atmosphere that’s different not my attitude or outlook.

  I want to live my life fully and completely to/for God.  That means whether I am at home, at work, hanging out with friends, volunteering, or even running around doing errands, everything I do should be for the glory of God.  In fact over the past week or two I’ve been trying to live my days with this thought in my mind, “Is this action/though/decision going to bring glory to God?”   If that is truly my desire….my outlook on life….then why would I need time to get “in the right mindset”?  Shouldn’t that be a constant state of mind?...

Dream a little dream with me....

   I’ve never really thought of myself as a dreamer before.  I mean, yeah I have random thoughts and ideas, but I guess in the back of my mind I always believed that those things could be possible.  And granted I don’t think like a realist who sees all the potential snafus in a plan, but I certainly don’t spend my days thinking of what could never ever be.  Yet as I sat talking with a friend over coffee the other night, I realized that in fact I might be a bit of a dreamer….but I am not so sure it’s such a bad thing!

  For example,  I was discussing with this friend, how disconnected churches seem to be from one another in a community and about how cool it would be to find a way to connect them and have them work together.  I can picture in my mind a network of churches, each of which provide different services to their community (whether it’s food, shelters, counseling, tutoring, bible study, etc) and then people being able to connect with one church and automatically being plugged into the resources they need from the other churches in the network.  I can see people In tough situations, coming to God and having him do the spiritual work in their hearts, while the church steps up and together provides for the physical needs.  To me it seems clearly possible to create this…yet the more we talked the more I kept running into my friends practicality.  Things like money, laws, and lack of time were at the forefront of her mind, whereas I always assume the details can work themselves out.

  I love having friends who keep me grounded….who remind me to think about the twenty steps it takes to get from point a to point b.  I just wish sometimes I could rub off a little bit of that dreamer mentality on them…..hee hee

Is God a Moral Monster? Making Sense of the Old Testament God…

I don’t know about you, but when I read the bible I tend to struggle to see how the God in the Old Testament and the God of the New Testament is the same person. I mean, I know the bible says that God is “The same yesterday, today and forever”, but at times it’s hard to see the continuation of his character throughout the entire bible. It was because of that continual struggle that I chose to read Paul Copan’s book, “Is God a Moral Monster? Making Sense of the Old Testament God”.


Throughout the past six months or so I’ve been given different explanations as to how God truly is the same person throughout the bible. People have pointed to Jesus over turning tables in the temple to show the same anger/jealousy of God from the Old Testament in the New. And to God’s patients with the Israelites to show how the same loving God of the New Testament is seen in the Old. I’ve even heard people say that the Old Testament represents the “father” side of God, the gospels represent the “Son” side of God, and the rest of the New Testament represents to” Spirit” side of God. But honestly none of that completely resonated with me.

Reading this book was the first time I was able to clearly see some characteristics of God over and over again, continuing throughout the entire bible. For instance the New testament talks a lot about God’s heart for the poor, widowed and orphan, but that same heart is clearly seen in the book of laws too when God it talks about things like the treatment of slaves/servants, the year of Jubilee, and even how women are to treated. I’ve always read those books and found them so restricting…as if God was setting his people up for failure so that they would have no choice but to rely on him. Now I read some of those scriptures and can see the value God puts on his creation and how he’s looking to draw all people to himself, not through force, but through love.

I will be honest enough to say that this book, with all its back ground information, made me realize just how little I know about the context in which the bible was written. I walked away from it thinking I need theology degree to truly understand what the bible really means for me today. But in a sense I think that’s a good thing…it makes me want to study more so that I can have a clearer understanding of the bible and God.

Weird: Because Normal Isn't Working....

  Over the past month I have really struggled to keep up on my reading goal of 50 books in a year.  I've started and stopped a few books but nothing really seemed to keep my interest all the way through.  Then a few weeks ago I was at work and came across a bright blue book with the words "Weird:" written across the cover.  Upon a second glance I realised it was by same author who wrote "The ChristianAtheist" (Craig Groeschel) and I decided I needed to read it.  Much like his other book,Groeschel writes "Weird: Because Normal isn't working", in such an easy to read way that he  grabs your attention right from the start and then once again sucker punches you with the reality of things you already know, but often forget.

 The book focus on five specific areas.....Time, Money, Relationships, Sex and Values...that all people whether christian or not struggle with.  Except, as the title suggests, he makes the point that in each of these things there should be difference between how a Christian and the World react to them.  As the bible says in verses like John 15:19....Christian's are not of the world...they have a different mindset that sets them apart and makes them...well... WEIRD!
  The point Groeschel seems to be making is that if as Christian's we are fitting into the world, comfortable living in it's ways, then something is wrong!  As followers of Christ our aim is to please our heavenly father....everything else flows out of our love for him.  But this world teaches us to live for ourselves and allow everything to flow out of our need to be happy and content.  Is it any wonder then as to why Christian's would/should be considered Weird?!?!
  Although this book touches on subjects all people can relate too, I think certain sections will resonate more than others with different people.  For example, as I read the section about Time, I couldn't help but feel convicted for the amount of energy I put towards everything else but God....how in life I "do" so much, but often that leaves very little time to just "be" with God.  Yet as I read the section about sex, although I agreed with much of what he said, it didn't have the same impact as it might have with a different reader.
  Ultimately no matter what speaks to you more, or what resonates most with you, the main point is still the same....and for that reason I think this is a good and timely book for The Church as a whole.  It's time we stop fitting in.....fully surrender to God...and not be afraid to be WEIRD!

Insanity or growth....only time will tell....

  So I am trying to decide if I am being completely stupid or trying to grow up.  You see for the past several years one of my sisters and I have had a pretty strained relationship.  At one point in our lives we were pretty good friends, but then….well life happened…and now there’s a lack of trust and respect between the two of us.  Usually we keep our distance from each other and when moments come up when we have to come together…we do so with as much civility as we each can muster.

  Over the past several months I have been praying that God would change my heart towards her.  For years I prayed that God would just change her and then one day it dawned on me that it didn’t matter how my sister acted or what she did…I will always be held responsible for how I treat and react to her.  So that’s when I changed my prayer.  Most days I have to pray a million times over for God to forgive me for the anger and frustration I have towards her.  And at the same time I find myself asking God to help me to forgive her and to let the love I have for her, just for being my sister, come through.

  Today we had a family party…something that is pretty common in this house.  Yet what was not common about this party was how well my sister and I got along.  It wasn’t until hours into the celebration that I realized that I wasn’t feeling as tense and anxious as I usually am around her.  And it took my other sister pointing out the fact that I actually went out of my way to invite my sister to do a walk with me next month, for me to realize something was truly different.

  The reality is I love my sister….I always have and always will.  But…..there’s a part of me that worries I am setting myself up for a fall.  I know her track record…and I know mine….and the two of us together don’t really mix anymore….. And it seems that someone is bound to get hurt by this new found connection in our relationship.  One the other hand maybe this is all an answer to prayer….maybe this is proof of God working in my heart and really just an opportunity for me to grow.  Honestly I’m scared….but I am hoping for the best….I guess we’ll see what happens….