What are the things that motivate you?!?!

Hey there!

So I am quite the visual person. I need to SEE things to believe them. I need to LOOK at something to understand it. And I need a VISION of what I am working towards in order to get there. With that said today I spent most of my morning cleaning up my room and preparing for the New Year. One thing in particular I did was to start a new collage of motivational things (see picture to the right). I don’t know about you but when it comes down to either working out or sitting on the couch for a few more hours, seeing a picture of Jillian Michaels staring at you helps make it easier to make the right decision!  So this is what I created...to remind me of all the reasons I am doing this!

I also decided that this year in order to track my weight loss progress I needed something tangible to look at. So I bought one of those desk calendars that you can write all over and hung it on my wall right next to my desk (see picture to left). That way every night I can write down what I did for a workout and each week I can track my weight. For me it has always helped to use the calendar method for workouts cause too many blank days in a row remind me to get back on track! Speaking of tangible items of motivation, I also pulled out a pair of size 10 jeans that were my FAVORITE jeans to wear last Christmas. These are my goal pants…I cannot wait to fit back into them)!

And finally the last thing I’ve done to prepare for the New Year is buy a new calorie tracking journal (see picture to right). Weight loss is the simple equation of calories in and calories out, so if I am not tracking my calories there is no way of knowing what I am taking in or how much I need to burn….thus the calorie journal!

Now that just leaves me sending my heart rate monitor in to get repaired (I meant to do that before now but Christmas drained me of any excess mullah I had) and creating my I want list for 2010 (don’t worry I’ll post it as soon as I am done).

It seems like I am off to a great start….so HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE…. I’ll write you again in 2010!

Let the countdown begin!

Hey there!


Can you all believe it…we are only a few days away from 2010! I remember being a little girl in elementary school and writing a theme paper on what life would be like in 2010….let’s just say my imagination got the best of me back then (think robots and life on mars) but I can honestly say there is so much more to life these days than I could have ever imagined back then. And like with the ending of everyYear and the beginning of a New one, I have been spending lots of time reflecting and dreaming lately…and one thing I have decided is that 2010 will be the year I will run on all four cylinders. My goal is simply to focus on my mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual health so that I can be a healthy, happier person (hee hee…so maybe that’s not so simple).

It’s seems like throughout my life I have been really good at focusing at each one of these things…just a different times. When I was in school I truly believed that I was mentally preparing myself for whatever would come my way in this world….I got straight A’s and tried to absorb every last morsel of what I was being taught just in case it became valuable to me at some point in life (which in most cases it has). When I spent my first year in Oakland I met with my first lay counselor who tried to help me get my anger/rage issues under control (which thankfully I did). Also during my Oakland years my relationship with God because the most personal thing in the world to me…because honestly 3,000 miles away from everything I had ever known all I had was God (and He used those years to teach me that still today He is my everything). And then of course there is a few years ago when I started my weight loss journey and lost 130lbs…and really pushed my body in the most physical ways I could...that I learned that my body is a temple that needs to be taken care of as well.

This year I want to focus on not just prospering in one of these ways….I want it all (hee hee…when I was little I use to have this comic t-shirt that said that very same thing…I wish I had it now to post it on my wall)! Ultimately though, I think all of these things are wrapped up in one main goal for the year…and that is… “To be as committed to MYSELF as I am to others”!

If any of you actually know me…you know that I will do ANYTHING for the people in my life that I care about. I love deeply, care deeply, and give deeply….call it my over emotional girlie-ness (hee hee). Unfortunately because I am so willing to give myself to others….I am often left with almost nothing for myself. This is no way to live. If I want to continue to be there for the other people in my life I MUST take care of myself! This is what 2010 will be about for me!

And I Can’t wait to share the journey with all of you!

Jess

Find balance but start somewhere!

I am a zero to sixty kind of girl…I’m either all in or I’m all out… it’s either black or it’s white, it’s right or it’s wrong… there is no gray area with me! And so when it comes to my workouts I work hard…or I don’t work out at all. However this past summer I learned a very valuable lesson about balance.


You see this summer I trained to run a marathon. In fact I started training for that race around this time last year by preparing myself to run a half marathon (the same half that I will be training to run again this year). Well after running the half I gave myself a few weeks off from the sport before jumping in and preparing again to be ready to run a full 26.2 miles. And when it came time to get back into training mode, I went all out….pushing myself beyond my limits and my body to extremes. Sadly what happened was that within a month or so I had completely burned myself out by running too much, too fast, too quickly. Well that in turn lead me to take a few more weeks off from training…and then I made my second bad decision and after not running anything for weeks on end jumped right back into my training from where I left off…only to end up with a stress fracture that lead to even more time away from running and ultimately forcing me to make the decision that a marathon just wasn’t in the cards for me this year. To Come to the place where I had to make that discussion completely disappointed me. I felt like a failure…like a fraud…like a quitter, and even though I did run another half on the day of the full marathon, watching the runners cross that finish line at mile 26.2 made me only regret my poor decision making skills.

You see running, much like weight loss, is all about endurance… and when you train for an event you are suppose to follow a training schedule that builds you up to the point where you are ready to take on a massive distant in the most prepared way possible. When you veer from that plan and push your body in ways it’s just not prepared to be pushed you set yourself up for failure. In the same way exercise is something that builds upon itself. You might have to start off doing “girly” pushups but the more you work at it the closer you get to doing full out military pushups and then maybe even someday one armed pushups. But you see, just like running…you have to be willing to work your way up to it…to take the baby steps… to crawl before you walk.

Now don’t get me wrong, I absolutely believe in pushing your limits and live in the belief that if you want to achieve results you’ve never had you have to be willing to do what you’ve never done. However it’s also important to be smart. If you’ve never worked out a day in your life… start out walking…. If you’ve never picked up a weight, start with something light. Push yourself…but use your head. We all have to start somewhere.

Jess

The Value of knowing your worth...

So last night I borrowed the book “fat Chance” by Julie Hadden from work (gotta love the book borrowing plan that they have for employees at Barnes and Noble) and I gotta say that I couldn’t have decided to read it at a more perfect time. As anyone who has been reading my blog over the past few months can tell, I have been having a really hard time getting back on track with my weight loss journey. And I guess in part my struggle has been to somehow figure out all over again why I’m worth it. That whole concept use to come so easily to me. I would work out for hours on end and push my body to extremes in order to lose weight because I knew without shadow of a doubt that I was worth it and that I would/could do anything I put my mind/body to do! Then I got within 20lbs of my goal…20 measly pounds…and somehow I forgot…I forgot that I am worth it…that I deserve it… that I could do it. And 20 measly pounds from my goal I gave up and gave in. Before I knew it I had put on more weight than I wanted to admit and I no longer believed in myself or my worth. I’ve tried a million ways over this past year to figure it out all over again… to remind myself why it’s all worth it… and to believe that I could stick with it…. And yet each time after only a week or two I would fall back into this state of “what’s the point”. Now I understand the danger in putting this out there so early into my knew found hope (cause as you might have notice my track record hasn’t been all the great as of late), but tonight I feel like I can do anything again… Like I can do this…like I am worth it. And I think in part it came from reading Julie’s book and letting it remind me of a Jillian Michaels quote that I use to keep at the forefront of my mind during every workout and at every meal.


You see I am an avid Biggest Loser watcher. I’ve seen almost every season, including the seasons in Australia, and at times I use the experiences of those people in those seasons to push myself to do what I know needs to be done. In particular there are certain scenes that always stick out to me and I play back in my mind. One of those scenes is from the third season of the biggest loser Australia. In this particular scene Jillian has the entire black team running on the treadmills and one by one she asks them to tell her something about themselves. When she comes to this girl named Carrie-anne(?) she can’t think of anything good to say about herself and Jillian says to her “If you can’t say anything good about yourself how will anyone else ever”?!?!

In my mind I always extend the quote to say things like “If you don’t think your beautiful how will anyone else ever? If you don’t believe in yourself how will anyone else ever? If you don’t think you are worth it how will anyone else ever?, etc”. Tonight…after reading a few more chapters in Julie’s book I’ve extended the quote again. This time I think “If you don’t believe in yourself WHY should anyone else? If you don’t think you’re worth it WHY should anyone else? If you don’t want to take the time to invest in yourself WHY should anyone else waste their time doing so”!

You see if we don’t take the time to make ourselves a priority, we are telling the rest of the world that we don’t matter (in fact we are showing it by the fact that we don’t take care of ourselves). Now I believe in God and I believe in creation…therefore I also have a firm belief that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Thus, if I am worth it to God to put in all the effort of creating me…and keeping me alive thus far…. Then I must have value. I am worth it!

When my weight loss journey first began, a lot of motivation came from wanting to prove to a certain someone in my life that I wasn’t a “Nobody”…funny thing is that looking back now I realize that even in my lowest low I always knew I was “somebody” because if I didn’t I wouldn’t have even tried to put up a fight to prove that I was! Tonight I am thankful that the fire has been sparked up again….the reminder has been placed in my heart. I am valuable, I am worth it, I know I am…and the best way to prove it is to live it out each moment of my life. It’s making decisions about food that say I know I’m powerful. It’s working out in ways that say I’m strong. It’s holding my head up high and knowing no matter where the road leads I will finish this journey because I am worth it!

Thanks Julie for reminding me of that tonight!

Jess

I'm every woman...

There seems to be a chronic condition…an ailment if you will... among women, where all we ever do is put everyone and everything else first instead of investing in ourselves. Call it nature’s nurturing gene or a mothering instinct… but whatever it is almost all women do it. This past month…alright let’s just be full out honest here and say this past year… I’ve been that woman.


Two years ago I took the time to really focus on myself… to get healthy…put myself first…and go after what I wanted. During that time I was the girl who wasn’t ashamed to say exactly what I wanted on my plate when I was out at a restaurant even if it meant my friends were a bit embarrassed. I was the girl who didn’t feel guilty when I made plans around my workouts instead of trying to fit my workouts around all the plans. And I was a person who was full of energy and happy for the first time in my entire life.

Then about this time last year, when my brother-in-law really began to get sick…and my focus shifted and life became about what worked out best for my sister and her kids. Then when my brother in law passed away and I moved into my sister’s house permentantly, my life became even more about pleasing her and the girls instead of about me.  In fact I ended up taking a year off of school and getting a full time job and now my days are filled with hours upon hours of doing for everyone else…hoping that at the end of the day I will have enough energy to do something for me.

This holiday season in particulary has been extra hard on me with my job needing me to work extra hours and my sister wanting me around more so she can go off and do what she needs, and the demands of gift giving. In fact it took a good friend of mine to pull me aside yesterday and basically tell me I do too much for everyone else and not nearly enough for me and therefore she was kidnapping me and forcing me to go out with friends to just to allow me some "me' time (and actually finding myself truly enjoying the opportunity and reveling in every moment of it) that I began to realize that something is a little off. And actually since we are talking in all honestly here….it wasn’t until tonight when I was running on the treadmill feeling completely guilty for working out and spending time on myself while my sister was upstairs just wanting some company…that I truly began to realize that things have gotten out of control.

I’ve somehow become the girl who focuses on what everyone else needs, wants, feels…without ever really checking in on those things within myself until I get to my breaking point. And then when that happens and I start to feel like my life sucks, and nobody cares about me….depression sets in and I feel lifeless and overwhelmed….so I find myself thinking back to the days when I was most happy and I remember that it was the year I put myself first that I found true joy.

So even has I sit here on the brink of an even busier week than the last two, I look forward with confidence knowing full well that to live the life I imagine I have to put myself first…and that’s okay....  I can do that.  I deserve to!

Jess

This is life...

Hey there,


So last week was a really hard week for me. However this week I decided it was time to just go for it…to once again stop making excuses and let life get in the way of all I want for myself. So yesterday morning I got up early and worked out for 30 minutes before my day even began. Then I came home and worked out for 30 more minutes before I went to bed. What is more is that I focused on eating healthy and even though I was starving when I left work and had to go grocery shopping before I could go home and eat, I still stayed on track.... and it felt great!

That was day one. Today was a bit different. I was supposed to get up early again to work out….but I didn’t… I let myself sleep in. I still stayed on track with my food even though I was tempted all day long. And then tonight I worked out for an hour straight… and I realized that this is life! Some days I am going to sleep in, some days I’m going to be tempted, some days I am going to make bad decisions….but that’s life….but that doesn’t mean that I should ever let life make me quit! I can always find time to get a workout in (whether in the morning or at night), I can always make the better choice when it comes to food, and I can always choose me first no matter what life throws at me! And I will!

Which brings me to another thought… Last Wednesday night they had one of those “where are they now” specials about past contestants from the biggest loser. At the end they showed bob talking to a former contestant who had gained back almost all of his weight. As I listened to bob talk to him I couldn’t help but feel like I related to him in so many ways. No I haven’t gained back 100’s of pounds….but when you gain any amount of significant weight after losing so much you can’t help but feel like a failure. Well one thing I specifically remember bob telling this contestant is “You know how to put the weight on… and you know how to take it off… now you have to figure out how to just live”. That’s the state I find myself at right now. Yes I still have weight to lose but now I’m doing it being a full time parent and working full time…and basically while creating a life. That excites me!

Jess

Weights and Measures...

Have you ever wanted something so bad that you thought that you would do anything to get it, yet no matter how hard you tried you could never quite get it and only ended up feeling more and more discouraged. That’s kind of how I have felt over the past several months with my weight loss journey. I want to lose weight. I want to fit back into my size 10 jeans. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. And I know that I have to do the work….but every time I work my ass off and only seem to gain weight I feel so discouraged that it’s hard to continue to believe that I can actually do this again.

That’s basically how I've felt the past several days. My goal this week was to lose two pounds and I thought that was a reasonable enough goal with holiday celebrations and what not going on. All through the week I seemed to be doing great. I wasn’t able to get in the workouts I wanted to earlier in the week but my food was really good and so I knew I was setting myself up for a good week. Even on thanksgiving I felt like I had eaten sensibly and not only ran in the race but walked…so I should have been happy when I got on the scale this morning. The reality however is that Friday morning I was already 4lbs up on the scale and this morning I was 6lbs… and although I know there’s no way possible that I gained six actual pounds this week… it’s frustrating to see the number on the scale fall almost back to where it was when I re-began this journey over a month ago.

I feel frustrated. I feel like for every step forward I take, there is always another step back to follow. I know I can lose weight… I’ve done it before…but it was never this hard and I never felt this hopeless in my journey. I think for me the one thing I have to remember is to NOT let the scale get the best of me. As much as I need the scale in terms of knowing if I’m heading in the right direction…I am not defined by a number and I can’t allow a number on the scale to derail me time and time again. If I am doing everything I know how to do and still not seeing the results I want to see then maybe it’s time to try something new, not see it as time to give up.

So tomorrow morning is the start of a new week and time to try again. I still have a goal to be under 200lbs by new year’s…and I believe if I can keep myself motivated I can definitely accomplish my goal.

Giving thanks for a great 2009 Thanksgiving!

HAPPY Thanksgiving everyone! I hope you all had a wonderful day! This year was probably the first year that I can honestly say that although my meal was great…this day was NOT about the food! I woke up this morning and began my day running a 4.75 mile road race with my co-worker/boss (a race which surprisingly enough is considered a world-class eve t considering it draws people from all over the world to our state…). Now time wise this year it took me about 10 minutes longer to run it than last year…but overall this year the race was so much more fun and when I cmpleted it I found myself more proud of my accomplishement than I ever was last year! This was the first time in months that I have run that long of a distance and at the end felt like I could keep going (granted it helped to run at my co-workers pace and not my own since that meant I was conserving energy)! Plus to be in a position where you can encourage someone else and push them along to help them prove to themselves that they can do something that just 6 weeks ago they didn’t think they could do is an AWESOME feeling! Top that off with the fact that we ended up running into another co-worker at about the 4 mile mark and stayed pretty close to her throughout the rest of the race…which meant after booking it to the finish line the last 20 yards (the only time I separated myself from my co-worker) I could turn around and cheer in TWO friends of mine as they finished!!!   All in all I feel amazing and like I proved to myself all over again that I can do whatever I put my mind too!

Then after the race (and a few extra miles of walking because for some reason I missed where the shuttle pick up was and we NEVER saw one…luckily we ended up running into our other co-worker again who gave us a ride back the rest of our way to the car) I went to my parents house for my main meal (And I was so proud of myself cause I only had one plate and that plate consisted of just a little (almost like 2 tbsp) of each thing we had offered us (which was more than I could expect). Then after dinner I took my sister (who is slowly getting back into the “I want to be healthy and lose weight” mindset) and went for an hour walk (just to burn a few more extra calories ..plus it beat having to listen to another hour of non-sense blabber coming out of my other sister’s husbands mouth)! After that it was one plate of dessert, along with some coffee, and two hours of playing apples to apples (the greatest family game ever)! Then to top it all off I came home and cleaned two bathrooms. So I’m thinking this turned out to be a pretty awesome day for me.

Tomorrow it’s back to the grind off work…and working out, but the good thing is I now have about six weeks to focus on weight training and strengthen my core before I hop back into another 20 week training program for my third half marathon (yep no matter how often I find myself in the middle of a race thinking “What the hell was I thinking when I signed up to run a half marathon”, I always find myself wanting to do it again when it's done…and this time I’ve convinced my co-worker to come along).

So for now I relish in my awesome day and look ahead to the next journey that awaits me!

Jess

out with the old...in with the new...times 2

Hey Friends,


Well it’s the end of week two in this new weight loss adventure of mine and I have to say that although the results of this past week could have been better, they are actually exactly what I was hoping for, so in the end I am happy. Week two is notoriously hard for me. There are times when I put in so much work and lose nothing, then times when I put in nothing and gain…plus you add onto that the fact that even the people on Biggest Loser who I look to for motivation have trouble on the scale week two…and well I came to the conclusion at the beginning of the week that I would be happy with just maintaining this week. In general this week in particular was a hard emotional week for me. I tried to focus a lot on putting myself first which brought up my guilt issues and fear of being rejected and thus my lack of trust in pretty much every relationship I have…so the desire to eat was constantly there (Yeah in case you haven’t noticed…my name is Jessica and I am an emotional eater). Although I really didn’t give in to too much temptations, I also didn’t count calories for most of the week…so top that off with the fact that my workouts have kind of sucked for me this week (I’ve really just been exhausted and have just wanted to sleep all day, but since I work I can’t so the next best option is always to half ass my workouts just to get through them so I can try to get to bed early….although that never happens…and also never turns out for the better)…and well I am happy to say I didn’t gain an ounce this week (I didn’t lose anything either but I am still going to celebrate).

For week three my goal is to lose 2lbs. I know that seems like so little considering just a week ago I lost 6lbs in one week…but I figure 2lbs is reasonable enough when we are talking about a week with a major “food” holiday in it (now don’t get me wrong I don’t believe that just because it’s thanksgiving I have a right to gorge myself…but I do however know myself and I know I will eat over my calorie allowance on Thursday and I will probably give into temptations that normally I wouldn’t bother with…so I am planning ahead and counting on extra workouts and a sensible goal to help to the next place in my journey.

Well for now I need to get to bed so that I can get up early to work out (early morning workouts are not my thing…especially on a day off… but sometimes desperate times call for desperate measures...hee hee).

Jess

Sometimes you win... some times you lose...but you always learn something..

Growing up I was a very angry kid and I wasn’t sure then (nor am I totally sure now) why that is, but none the less it was the root cause of why I got in so many fights with people. There was the time I beat a classmate over the head with his umbrella until both his head and the umbrella broke. There was the time I hit a neighborhood kids over the head with a crochet mallet hoping I would knock him out. And there was even the time I left a friend bleeding and screaming in the street after pummeling her to the ground. Now I’m not proud of these moments in my life. I don’t share them to sound tough or look like some sort of badass. Instead I share because looking back I realize that those fights….all that physical contact was coming from pent up rage that I just didn’t know how to get out otherwise.


These days I know it’s not proper to beat people up…in fact a person can get in a lot of trouble for doing so (incase you didn’t know)…so instead (and this is the whole point of the stories above) I realize that I have learned to release my anger in binge eating. I know that sounds funny but it’s true. It’s no longer okay (as if it ever was) to bash someone’s face in, or to hit a wall, or to throw something out of anger. It’s not okay to harm others…so I found a new outlet… and strangely it involves harming myself. I eat and eat and eat…until the point that I’m sick…then I spend days dealing with eaters remorse…and all because I’m an emotional girl whose once again forgotten that solving one problem by creating another is NOT the answer to life.

So now what?! Now that I’ve discovered this about myself, now what do I do?!?! I think it’s time to find a new outlet…and honestly I think I want to try out boxing or kickboxing or some sort of martial arts. (It seems appropriate right?!?! Hee hee). Anyway, I’m going to do some research into making that happen but until then if any of you know of some good learning tools to help me out…let me know. Thanks.

Jess

one small step for man... one giant leap for my kind!

I’ve come to the conclusion that there is a running thread among women in general where we tend to give to EVERYONE else in our lives EXCEPT to OURSELVES. I see it in my friends…and in my co-workers… and Infact this has become the reality of MY life in the past year. The other day I was thinking about how stressed I am, how anxious I feel, How angry with life I am becoming and I realized that the happiest I’ve ever been was the year I lost 130lbs and put myself first….and how since then…somehow putting myself first has become almost like a “sin”. It seems everyone in my life needs something from me…and almost all of my relationships and interactions with people are about what people need me to do for them. And I always give it.


But...when did it become wrong to care about me…to take care of me… to put me first?!? Why do I feel so bad every time I do?!?! Well these are questions I’m trying to address with myself…and the first step was when about a week ago I was completely transparent with a co-worker and told her that I was really needing someone to talk to…and then today she walked in with a number for me…a number for a counseling center. I have been talking about going to counseling for months…I’ve actually found myself wanting to go in past weeks….but sitting here with a number in my pocket…it scares me. All I have to do is call the number and tell them what I need….and yet I find that one step so difficult. Why is that?!?! Ugh!

Jess

Mishaps and Misteps...

Remember the movie “Field of Dreams”? You know, the one with the famous line…”If you build it he will come”? I think if there was a movie created out of the day I just had, it would be called “land of broken dreams” and the quote of the movie would be… “If it’s there… I will eat it”! Ugh! Yes, it seems that the need for endless amounts of sweets in the break room is continuing for another week at my workplace and although last week I did really really good with staying far far away, this week…well this day…I’ve done everything but…and it’s so disappointing. Honestly, I think the difference is that last week I could look at see the calorie counts on the items and know right off the bat how much work I would have to put in to burn off whatever I ate. This week the sweets are all leftovers from a holiday bake off our staff had meaning there is no calorie counts… so I could pretend like the damage isn’t as bad. But the reality is…a calorie…is a calorie… is a calorie…whether or not you can read it on the box or not.


Anyway… after having such a bad day with food, I came home not really wanting to work out (go figure) and decided that instead of half-assing the same old same old routines I would mix it up and try something new in hopes that the “newness” of it all would get me excited to do. So I reached into my endless supply of workout videos and pulled out a “Prevention: Dance it off” video I got years ago but never really did. Within fifteen minutes of starting the video I remembered that the reason I never really did it is because I have two left feet. Seriously…this video was real dancing…and although I took dance classes as a little girl….any rhythm I ever had has gone completely out the window….and honestly I stunk… and it just wasn’t that fun (as sad as it sounds).

So I guess the best thing to do…is head to bed and wake up with a renewed commitment to myself and my health (cause after all my health is my responsibility and mine alone)!

Jess

Out with the old, in with the new...

Hey Guys!


So it’s weigh in day and guess what?!?! I lost 6lbs this week! How awesome is that?!? And it’s totally not one of those fluke readings either because I checked in on my weight half way through the week and I knew I was going to be looking at a good number! But to sum up the past week, I would have to say it was the week of “Just do it”. As I showed you in my last post, I have a quote on my wall from bob harper that says, “just do it. Just stop talking about it and do it”! I am the queen of talking about getting back on track, and talking about getting up early to workout, and talking about watching my diet. This week every time I found myself wanting to cave in and just let my commitment be talk, I thought about this quote and about how it was time to shut up or put up….so I put up…. And I am proud of myself!

Well although it’s nice to revel in the joy of this past week’s success, with weigh in day also comes the start of a new week and this week my focus is going to be on finding new outlets to deal with my emotions besides turning to food. I have a very bad tendency to come home from work…be tired…and eat. Or to have an argument with someone… feel stressed…and eat. Food is always my go to resource cause it’s always there for me….I can count on it….and although I know ultimately binging is not going to get me any closer to my goals, in the moment it sure does seem to make me feel better.

So here are some things I came up with that I can do when I am feeling emotional and want to eat…

*I can Workout/Run

*I can journal

*I can call/text a friend

*I can blog

*I can drink water

*I can play a game

*I can work on a project

*I can brush my teeth

I am sure there are plenty of other things I can do in those situations as well….and I’m totally open to suggestion… so if any of you have any ideas feel free to share them with me.

Well off to get a move on with my busy night. I’ll be sure to keep you all updated on how this week’s progress goes.

Jess

Motivation... Inspiration... Dedication...

Hey there!


So long time no post from me. Sorry about that. But this time it’s not cause I’ve fallen even further off the wagon and down the hill. Instead I have actually been doing really good with my diet (I haven’t gone over calories all week) and exercise (I’ve worked out every day since Saturday..) this week and expect to see a good number on the scale when I weigh in on Sunday. Now part of the reason I feel that I am doing so well is because I have a great partner in crime. Even though she doesn’t live with me or even in the same state, I feel like we are in this together and that when I slip she’s there to catch me and when she slips I’m there to catch her. I feel like we push each other to not just lose weight but to look at the emotional side of weight loss as well. Plus she inspires me to keep going and never give up….even when the results aren’t what I expect. What is more is that this person is probably the one person in my life right now who I know I can be completely real with and even in that (when I am most vulnerable) she still cares about me and stands by my side (even when it’s my ugly side..hee hee). That means more to me than life…so thank you Shelley!

Another thing that I think has been helping me a long in this journey is relying on the inspiration of others. Now don’t get me wrong, I do not believe that motivation cannot come from anywhere but inside of myself….but sometimes the words of others keep pushing me along. For that reason... I have quotes all over my wall… specifically directly in front of my dreadmill (see picture to right). Some quotes mean more to me than others…and on different days different quotes stand out…but none the less in my time of need (aka when I am running out of energy and want to quit) reading them inspires me to keep going just a little bit longer. Here are some of my favorites:

And finally I think that last thing that has totally helped me in this journey this week is that I’ve come up with my own mantra. In recent times I’ve used other people thoughts or ideas…believing it worked for them so it should work for me…honestly though…it really hasn’t. Then the other day I was running on the treadmill thinking about my body and where I’ve come from and something just clicked in my mind and I said to myself “Own it”….”Own your success”… “Own your Failure”… “Own your decisions”…”Own your life”! This journey is about me…it’s for me. It’s not to boost anyone else’s name, get anyone else’s attention, or even to prove something to anyone else. It’s about me…being who I want to be…and getting there on my terms … in my own timing. The success I have had isn’t because of anyone but me…and the times I’ve slid back into old habits are because of me too. This is my life…and life is what you make it…so my new mantra is to “Own it”!

Alright well three more days until my next weigh in… but hopefully I will post more before then.

Jess

Timing is everything...

Hey There!


SO early mornings and I … we are not friends. I enjoy my sleep and lying in bed warm under the covers until the last possible second. I enjoy hitting snooze a million times and pretending that the five minutes of extra “sleep” really matter. I enjoy waking up to the light streaming in through the windows instead of getting out of bed when it’s still dark. So why in the world am I trying to form a new habit of getting up early to work out?!?

This has been the question on my mind for weeks as day after day I’ve slept through my alarm when I’ve promised myself to get up. But today I did it. I set my alarm for bright and early and got up for an early morning run before anyone else in the family was up… and honestly it was pretty worth it.

You see last week I only got in one work out all week….which sucked twice as much because my eating habits were out of control (the only thing that helped the situation was that for five days I busted my ass at work….working overtime most days… So I am pretty sure I burned off some extra calories…just not nearly all of them)! I can’t do that anymore. Not only do I have two and a half weeks until my next race, but in terms of my weight loss goals… this is not going to help me head in the right direction.

I read in an article recently that most working mothers find that mornings are their favorite time to work out because they have it done before the rest of the day can get in their way. The article also said that the hardest time is the first two weeks when you are trying to get your body accustomed to these morning workouts. This inspired me a bit and I’ve decided to try morning work outs for the next two weeks… just not every day (hee hee…come on a girl needs her sleep you know…plus I can’t just change overnight). So my plan is Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday morning to wake up early and get my workout in (leaving Monday, Wednesday, and Friday mornings to catch up on my missing sleep). My theory is….even if those where the only days I got a workout in (which believe me I plan to get in more than that), then including today I will still have worked out 4 out of the 7 days this week…and that’s a lot better than what I’ve been doing.

So luckily tomorrow I get the chance to sleep in…but Tuesday morning it’s all about getting up and working out…”before my mind figures out what my body is doing” (hee hee…stole that one from the article as well).

Jess

Hey Mojo....where'd you go?!?!

It all started this weekend when I fell off the wagon….there was drinking, and candy eating, and lots and lots of take out! Then yesterday was suppose to be the day I got back on track…day #1 all over again. I had grand plans to get up and run in the morning (since it’s light out then now) and then do my strength training when I got home from work (which I know is backwards but it’s dark when I get home and I’m really getting sick of the treadmill). I bought clean groceries and even set my calorie allowance for the week. Then my alarm went off yesterday morning and I was just too exhausted to even think about getting up (seriously… I could barely keep my eyes open enough to figure out how to reset my alarm). When I did get up (at the last possible second) I managed to make a really healthy breakfast and pack up my even healthier lunch (I’m trying out this volumetrics thing so my meals are lots of veggies…but I get A LOT of them). I worked my butt off at work (so much so that I missed my first break and had to eat my lunch and snack all at one sitting (volumetrics is great…but with other people in the room I looked like a pig!). Then I came home…and it’s like the bottomless pit in my stomach opened up and I could not stop eating. I had two chicken parm cutlets with 2 cups of wheat pasta….and then I made the deadly mistake of looking in the cabinet for more…and in a matter of an hour and a half I had eating like 8 iced oatmeal cookies (which is something like 160 calories for 2), at least 10 pieces of candy (which most candy is like 2-3 pieces for 160 calories), an entire bag of buttered popcorn (which my sister bought from the boy scouts for herself and totally convinced me to have…..and its 500 calories), and then I followed it all down with a vodka tonic (with God knows how many calories)! What makes that even worse is that by 9pm I was exhausted and had no energy so instead of working out to try and burn some calories I went to bed promising myself that no matter what I would get up this morning to run (and of course I didn’t get up cause even after 9 hours of sleep I was still absolutely exhausted that the thought of getting out of bed early made me want to throw up)!

So now I’m at a loss. I HATE the way I look and how I feel at the moment….I HATE it. Yet I feel like no matter what I do it’s never going to change. I gained 40 pounds in 6 months and since then I have struggled to lose the same five pound over and over and over again for about six weeks. I feel defeated….like I just don’t have the energy anymore to keep going around and around and around this mountain. Yet I’m not happy where I am at…so I need to figure out how to get my mojo back…cause I can’t stop… I can’t give up… I deserve more!

Jess

Cure for the week two curse?!?!

Hey there!


So I might just have to pull a two-a-day with posting today in order to make up for my lack of posting the last few days. Then again maybe my lack of posting is just a reflection of my lack in other areas of my life the last few days. It seems for months now…no matter how much I say I’m not going to do it… I always fall for the week two curse! What’s the week two curse? It’s when for two weeks straight I do great with my weight loss…I’m eating right, exercising, feeling great. And then I weigh in for the second time…lose less than a pound or gain...and I’m derailed for days! Ugh!

I guess what it comes down to is feeling like no matter how hard I work I am never going to reach my weight loss goals. Then I start thinking about how Bad of an example I’ve become and how much of a failure I feel like…and before I know it I am doing everything I know NOT to do (like turning to food for comfort)! It’s frustrating….and I hate that I do it…so why can’t I stop?!?!

So the goal for this week is to lose 2lbs and to recognize and acknowledge everything I do Right along the way. I need to celebrate my accomplishments and start believing once and for all that I CAN do this!

Jess

Wade in the Water...

Hey there!


So the last few days I have been thinking a lot about trust and how and why it’s such a difficult thing for me. Anyone who knows me on the surface level will tell you I’m this perky, happy-go-lucky, easy going, optimistic person. However…the few people in this world who REALLY know me…know the truth. I am a huge pessimist. I assume the worse in almost all situations and I expect things to fall apart. I know people will hurt me and I know I will disappoint them. And it’s really really really difficult to change that kind of of thinking…and move past it....but I’m determined to try.

Step one is to not allow my fears that I’m setting myself up to be embarrassed and rejected keep me back from forming new relationships with people who seem to be genuinely interested in getting to know me. Tomorrow morning I am suppose to go out clothes shopping with my co-worker/manager. At work we get along really well, but I will admit that at times I wonder if it’s really that we are getting along so well or that I’m naïve enough to think that someone five years older than me would really want to be my friend. In my mind I can create this whole horrible scenario where I invasion us going out shopping only for her to spring some kind of crash announcement or something on me that will totally make me see that I’ve been set up and that she doesn’t really care about me, which leads me to being completely embarrassed and eventually makes work suck so much that I am forced to quit. I know… I know…that’s most likely not going to happen, but these are the things my mind jumps to. So stepping out and going out is a HUGE step for me.

People talk all the time about how my only friends seem to be my family. The reality is…my family isn’t even let in all the way. I lead a very sheltered life. No I don’t mean that I haven’t experienced a lot in life…because I have. In fact because I’ve experienced so much I’ve become sort of an island….out in the ocean all alone. Sometimes I will swim out to see and enjoy the waves with others….and sometimes I might even head to land and face being an outsider. Hopefully someday I will get to the point where inviting people back to my land won’t be such a scary thing. Until then….it’s baby steps.

So yeah…not a very weight loss/ health oriented post…but one thing I’ve promised myself is that I wasn’t just want to go after physical health…I want to a be healthy and whole all around…and that includes mentally and emotionally. That means at times….these are the things I must address… and you all (my cyber friends) get to watch me tred the water. Interesting right?!?! Hee hee.

Night all.

Jess

Red lights...and flat tires...

Hey there!


Okay so day two of two a days didn’t go so well…in fact it didn’t go at all…but I am okay with that since I didn’t get to sleep last night until well after midnight and… well part of health is getting enough sleep. However I did stick to my guns and worked out tonight even though I would have much rather sat on the couch and watched the second half of Biggest Loser (although I did tape it and will get to watch it sometime between now and Friday). So basically my hour long workout consisted of a 25 minute video and 30 minutes of running for a grand total of 658 calories burned and a daily calorie deficit of 1243!!!

Anyway, today at lunch I was reading an article in health magazine and it had the greatest analogy ever…and so I just have to share it. However to preference this story, you must understand that I am completely the person who when I mess up on my diet my normal reaction is to say “Oh well I already screwed up I’m might as well throw in the towel today and start again tomorrow”. Now I’m a big fan of Jillian Michaels and I’ve heard her say before to think of your diet like a car and your binge as getting a flat tire. You wouldn’t get out and slash the other three tired just cause the one got popped so don’t allow your one bad choice to derail you completely (well…that’s the condensed version…and I certain don’t explain it as well as her). Well in this article I was reading today this woman was sharing how she too falls into the trap of “well I’ve screwed up, so why stop now” and this psychologist responded by saying…”If you ran a red light and got a ticket, would you say I’m such a terrible person I might as well run lights for the rest of the day”! And I couldn’t help but laugh out loud in one of those “wow how true is that” kind of ways upon reading that! The reality is it would be ridiculous to keep running red lights…just like it’s ridiculous to throw in the towel for making one bad decision in my day.

So here’s to not running red lights…and not slashing tires...hee hee.

Jess

Knowing what you want is half the battle...

Hey there!


So today was day one of two a day work outs and I have to admit…getting up was tough. In fact when my alarm went off I seriously sat in bed for an extra 25 minutes debating back and forth with myself about whether or not I should get up and work out or not. Luckily a friend of mine struck up a deal with me that we would both get up and work out this morning (even though we don’t live close to each other)…so knowing I was also accountable to her as well kept me from falling back to sleep. Plus I eventually realized how ridiculous it was to be laying in bed…not sleeping…and yet still not getting up. So I got up…and workout (even though I only had 30 minutes left to do so after all my debating).

Then tonight after work I worked out again. I started off with my normal circuit workout video routine and then I tried something new. Now...don’t laugh…. But I decided to try out something called “Cardioke” which is put out by Billy Banks Jr (The son of the tae bo guy.....there's a picture of the cover to the left). Basically it’s cardio dance moves and singing…and well anyone who knows me knows I don’t have any rhythm (therefore don’t dance) and I can’t carry a tune (thus don’t sing)….and so to say this was a stretch for me is putting it lightly. However…to be completely honest…it was really fun! And I burned more calories in 20 minutes of that then I did in either video I did today! So “cardioke”…check it out…it gets my two thumbs up!

On a different note…last night I created a of reasons why I wanted to lose weight (To go along with the list of all the things I want…which are both posted on the wall right next to my bed so I can read them the moment I get up). Here are the things I came up with:

*I’ll look better
*I’ll be more attractive
*I’ll have more confidence
*I’ll feel better about myself
*I’ll be able to wear a smaller size
*I’ll feel happier when I look in the mirror
*I’ll enjoy trying on clothes
*I’ll feel okay wearing a swimsuit
*I won’t feel so self conscious
*I’ll get more compliments
*I’ll feel better physically
*I’ll have more energy
*I’ll have more stamina
*I’ll feel more optimistic
*I’ll make a better impression on people
*I’ll be less inhibited by my body
*I’ll be open to physical contact
*I’ll like myself better
*I’ll be less self critical
*I’ll do more things in public
*I’ll put myself out there more
*I’ll take risks
*I’ll be happier
*I’ll be more comfortable around members of the opposite sex
*I’ll be more comfortable in crowds
*I’ll be less self-conscious at work
*I’ll be more comfortable eating in front of others
*I’ll be more apt to go after my dreams
*I’ll be more open to relationships
*I’ll be willing to face more of my fears
*I’ll do more things I never thought I could/would do
*I’ll feel more beautiful
*I’ll be more athletic
*I’ll be able to compete
*I’ll be healthier.

I think reading this every morning and keeping these lists in my mind throughout the day really will help me to stay on track when I really want to indulge (like when I stayed away from the chocolate peanut butter cake in the break room at work today). There is nothing like knowing what you want to help you know what steps you need to take to get there.

Jess