Sometimes Chips Aren't the only Things in Cookies...

  Growing up I was really good friends with this girl that lived five houses away from me (two backyards if you were willing to hop fences).  We would do everything together...and then go home and talk about it on the phone while staring out our bedroom windows at each other as if we hadn't seen each other for years!  We even talked about one day building a tunnel under ground from my house to hers where we could live together happily ever after.

  But then in sixth grade we had a fight...a big fight...a beat the living crud out of you, leave you bleeding on the ground and crying while I walk away not looking back kind of fight!  After that I didn't talk to her for years....mostly because I was ashamed of what I had done and afraid that she would never forgive me.  In eighth grade we got stuck sitting next to each other on the bus.  I remember that ride like it was yesterday because it was the first time we talked after all those months and years.  In wasn't a long talk...in fact all that she said was "I want you to know I don't hate you"  and all I said was "Oh" (Apparently I've never been good on my feet hee hee)!
  The problem was I couldn't forgive myself and so although our paths would cross here and there over the next couple of years, we were never really friends again.  As life goes, we grew apart...she had her life...I had mine.  I heard here and there about different things that were going on with her, but I never really stepped out to try and bridge our gap, even though I knew she could probably use a friend!
  Last week her mom informed that she had bought a house in our neighborhood with her fiance and two kids! I can actually see her new house from my bedroom window, just like old times.  As soon as I heard the news I wanted to go over and talk to her....welcome her to the neighborhood...let her know that I'm in her corner.  So today I decided to bake cookies and bring them over, but as they cooked I felt myself becoming more and more nervous.  What if she hated me, what if she looked down on me, what if I just ended up looking like an idiot!
  I had a choice....try or not....step out or hide out.  So I got down on my knees and I surrendered it to God.  I told Him how I didn't want this to be about me and how I truly just wanted to bless her and let her know how excited I am for her!  When I got up off my knees I walked out the door and over to her house, cookies in hand.  I rang the door bell....no answer.  I knocked....no answer.  I went to the other door...still no answer.  At this point I was feeling like an idiot (just like I feared) and started to assume that she must really hate me now.  So I walked back home...deflated.
  As I began getting ready to head out for the afternoon and run errands I just kept feeling like I can't give up on this.  So I grabbed the cookies, some paper and tape...then hoped in my car, ran my errands and ended up right back at her house.  Again...there was no answer.  So instead I wrote her a note...taped it to the cookies...and left it by her door.  I don't know what will come of this...if anything.  I don't know if she will read my note or if we will ever talk again.  This was not how I expected it to go...BUT  I've surrendered it to God and I will continue to do so as I continue to reach out to her and her family...and I will just  trust him that he will have HIS way in this.  Amen.

The Growing Pains of Surrender....

     So a few months ago I was reading one of my favorite blogs and I really felt challenged that if I am going to say I am a Christian then my life should basically show it.  For over a year I feel like I’ve been talking a big game when it comes to my faith, but looking around I sometimes wonder where’s the fruit of those words.  Then a few weeks ago I began reading the book “Not a fan” by Kyle Ingleman and once again felt challenged to truly surrender my life to Christ and to be willing to be used for him no matter what it looks like.  So, I began praying that God would help to me daily (even hourly or minutely if need be) to surrender to him and whatever he wants to do through me.

    Well the other day I had one of those moments that I believe was an answer to that prayer.  You see, I happened to walk in on a conversation two people were having about Thee Church and right away I got excited because I felt like this is it…my chance to really be used of God!  I was so excited and so badly wanted to join the conversation that I ended up kind of forcing it, then saying something pretty ridiculous, and eventually walking away feeling like I blew this golden opportunity.  Both of these people had been hurt by the church and all I wanted to do was share with them about the God I serve who loves them, and gave himself for them that they might find true life and forgiveness through him.  And instead, it felt like I just failed them….and God!

  Then tonight I was standing in line at the grocery store and the guy in front of me was talking to the couple in front of him about the bible.  At first his words were pretty eloquent, but before I knew it he was basically telling these people that God’s only plan for them was that they would be happy and rich (where is that in the bible?!?!).  So I decided to try my hand again and add my two cents….except this time what I ended up sounding like was one of those fire and brimstone preachers who tells everyone they are going to hell!  Strike out number two!

  When I got home I felt pretty horrible….how is it possible that within 36 hours I’ve blown my witness twice?!?!  The great thing about God though is that he never gives up on me.  And so tonight, I found myself at my computer, reading through some emails and messages from this morning and it was like God was putting his fingers right into my heart and burning these words into my heart, “it's not ME but it’s HIM who works in people. My responsibility is to surrender my life to him and to trust him to use it for the people he already surrendered his life for!”  In fact…those were my own words from a message I sent to a friend earlier this day! 

  The bible says in 1 Corinthians 3:5-9 that “One sows, another waters, but its GOD who makes the seed grow”!  I think what God’s trying to teach me is that surrendering to Him, means allowing Him to do His work through me….His way…and for His glory.  Surrendering means taking a step out in faith and trusting no matter what the outcome its God who will work his will out through it.  Surrendering means not forcing my way or seeking my own agenda, but instead being lead by God and allowing Him to set the agenda.  Surrendering means saying YES to God and giving Him the rest.  Sometimes its scary and hard and often uncomfortable, but the more I step out in God, the more I’m realizing that truly this is abundant life!

To Love and to TRUST...

  This morning I went to visit a church in Marlborough with one of my friends, and the pastor preached on the story in Genesis where Abraham goes up the mountain to sacrifice his son Isaac.  Basically the main point of his message was that God is asking us the same thing He was asking Abraham in that story….”Do you love me” and “Do you trust me”.  As I’ve gone through this afternoon, I’ve been mulling those questions over in my mind and I realize that I find it quite easy to say “God I love you”,  but in all honesty….it’s really hard for me to say “God I trust you”. 

  The thing is I don’t think I’ve ever really trusted God completely.  Yeah I’ve trusted Him in part.  I’ve trusted Him when it was easy, or when I have felt like I had no clue what to do so I might as well trust in him.  I’ve trusted Him when it has felt right to and when I had nowhere else to turn.  But at other times, when everything has felt like it’s falling apart, when God’s way has seemed pretty whacked out, and I’m stressed about the outcome….well, my tendency has been to abandon ship.  In fact, sadly, it’s kind of a theme with me…..when things get hard, I run away…

  The reality is though, it’s not just with God that trust is such an issue.  I tend to not trust people very much either.  Most people live their lives trusting in others until they give them a reason not to.  I usually wait for people to prove they are trust worthy to me before really investing.  Most people think “Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me”, where as I think “Fool my once, shame on me.  Fool me twice and well, we might as well not be friends”.  This is such a bad attitude for me to have, especially in the community of God!

  And that brings me back to today’s sermon, because sitting in today’s service, listening to this pastor, I felt like God was asking me a question….”Will you trust me enough to stay where I have you even though it’s uncomfortable?”.  God knows me enough to know that at this point in my life there are some things/people I just want to give up on and run away from.  I’ve pushed people away, I’ve separated myself as best as I can from situations, I’ve packed my bags and I am ready to run from them……and here’s God…..stopping me in my tracks….looking me in the eye and asking me…..”Will you stay…and Trust me?”

   So maybe God’s not asking me to give up my only son for him, like he asked of Abraham, but the need for a sacrifice is still the same.  Will I love him enough to lay down my pride, my hurt, my desires….and just TRUST Him…here….now?!?!  I say yes God….I love you and I will trust you!

Why is it Whenever I read the Gospels I come away with new Questions?!?!

  So I started reading through the gospels again last night.  I like to do this every once in a while....one because it reminds me of who God is and was on earth, and two because I find them easy to read, so when I'm struggling to really commit to reading my bible I go back to them and find relief from the drought.  However the last two times now, I've come away with very real theological questions, that although don't change my belief in God, do change how I view the bible, the characters in it, and the lessons I've been taught from it my whole life.

  For example, the last time I read through the gospels, I was struck with the realization that the disciples may have actually known Jesus and spent time with him (or at least some of them did) before being called as his disciples (Check out John 1 compared to Matthew 4, Mark 1, or Luke 5). In all honesty, what really matters is that Jesus called them to "Come Follow" and immediately them did.....but It does change the story a bit to think that it wasn't their first encounter with Jesus, they not only knew of him, but they had met him.  So when he said "Follow Me", yeah it was still a sacrifice, but maybe not as much of a leap of faith as I've been taught (if that makes sense).

  Then last night I was reading through the gospel of Matthew and I came to the part where John is in jail and sends a messenger to ask Jesus if He is the Messiah or if they should be waiting for another (See Matthew 11).  Now logically thinking, when John the baptist was killed, he was taken out off jail in order to be beheaded. Therefore, it must have been before being arrested that John was going around preaching "Prepare the Way of the Lord" and baptizing people. In fact, Jesus was one of the people John Baptized (See Matthew 3:13-17) and in so doing he saw the dove descend upon Jesus and the heavens declare He was the son of God.  And even later when Jesus was out and about preaching, healing and baptizing people, John declares that Jesus is from heaven and sent from God (see John 3:22-36).  So why now is John doubting?!?!

  On the one hand I guess I should take comfort in the fact that even John the baptist, the guy who spent his entire life preaching about the coming Messiah, had doubts.  However, knowing all that John knew....how from the moment he was conceived he leaped with joy in his mothers womb when he came in contact with Jesus in Mary's womb...it brings me no comfort knowing that in the end he doubted.  I mean, if John of all people could lose faith.....where's the hope for the rest of us?!?!

  I know some day all my questions will be answered....I know some day I was stand before the throne of God and it will just make sense....but it's moments like these where I have to stop and wonder what was really going on here. How did someone so in love with the lord, so committed to God, find himself doubting the very God he proclaimed?  And what can I learn from his doubts that will help me draw closer to my God.
  

I lost my head!

  The human head weighs 8lbs….or so I’m told by the little boy in the movie “Jerry McGuire”….and 8lbs happens to be the exact amount of weight I have lost since September 1^st!  All year I’ve been trying to get back on track with my weight loss, but instead of watching the numbers on the scale go down, I’ve watched them go up, down, up even more, down a little, up a lot more!  Basically it’s the classic two steps forward, five steps back…and it’s been frustrating!

  I finally reached my breaking point with frustration towards the end of August and decided once again that it’s was time to get back on track.  Usually what happens when I make that decision (or at least what’s happened this year) is week one I do really great and lose a lot of weight, week two I gain back half the weight I lost the week before and week three I give up!  This month’s been a bit different, which gives me hope that this time I’m back on track for good!

  When I first stepped on the scale to get my starting weight I was highly NOT impressed, but I knew I could pull off a good week one weight loss if I just put in the effort.  Predictably I weighed in at the end of week one and had lost 5.5lbs!  Normally that would be my excuse to get to cheat on my diet…aka get a bunch of free days where I can eat however much I want of whatever and not work out, but not this time. 

  Although this past week it’s been insanely difficult to find time to work out with my busy schedule, I concentrated a lot on my diet (not that I’ve said any foods are off limits, but rather have been very mindful of how much I’m eating of any given item).  When I stepped on the scale this morning, I was down another 2.5lbs! 

  Heading into week three my goal is actually find time to work out.  I’m not a morning person, but with my nights full so much of the week, I might actually have to find a way to get my butt out of bed early enough to get in a work out before work.  Combine that with my current eating habits and maybe by the end of the month I can lose my head again!

The Power of Perspective....

  So I started reading this book about cognitive brain therapy the other day, and although I'm not too sure what I think about "the power of positive thinking" that it preaches, I'm starting to realize the importance of perspective!  For example, this year has been such a roller coaster for me in terms of my faith.  I've been up, I've been down, and I've been every where in between in it....and although I've never once questioned if there is a God, I've questioned his church, his people, his means, his character, his goodness,etc.  And Although I am thankful that I am in a place with God where I have no problem bringing my questions and feelings to him in complete honesty, today I began thinking if really my questions were based more on how I perceive God and not really on who he actually is! 

  Take the question of his goodness for example.  Over the past several weeks I've questioned how can God be "good" if there is so much "bad" in the world?  I mean, I know there's sin, and the effects of sin.....but watching my friends deal with sickness and diseases, reading about orphans and the AIDS epidemic, and even seeing all the devastation that hit the east coast during last weekends hurricane, it's hard to comprehend a good God who just sits back and lets it happen!  Then today I was sitting in my church service, listening to the sermon, and I began to think....maybe the fact that God allows this all to happen without killing us all is a sign of his goodness!  I mean, I'm a bit of a control freak, but if I were God and created this whole world, then had to watch as it turned into shambles, sent my son to save it, and still there is all this pain and suffering and hurt and evil.....I think I might just want to throw in the towel and start over new...again!  But thankfully God is NOT me....and realizing it's his Mercy that saves me every moment of every day.....kind gives me a new perspective on his goodness!  So maybe there is something to the power... of perspective at least!

Hair Today....Gone Tomorrow...

  I spend a lot of time in my life, trying to give to organizations that reach out to people and families that are fighting cancer.  Ever since losing my brother-in-law in 2009 it feels like we all have been thrust into this community of people effected by the "C" word.  So, I want to make a difference, ease the pain, make people feel just a little less alone.  And although at times the things I can do don't seem like they will make all that much of a difference, I'd like to believe that those little things add up...and maybe, just maybe, somebody else is being blessed by my efforts.

  One of those small efforts was made today.....well maybe it actually was made a little less than a year ago when I made the decision to grow my hair out and donate it to "Beautiful Lengths", an organization that uses the hair to make wigs for cancer patients.  Today was just the day I went to get it cut!  Eight inches...gone!!!  Take a look at the pictures of my transformation.....and hopefully the beginning stages for the same thing for someone else!

Reflection on "Hurricane" Irene....

  So this past Sunday, my state was hit with it's first Hurricane....or rather Tropical Storm, since it was downgraded by the time it was fully upon us...of the year.  I was a little girl the last time a hurricane came up with way so I wasn't really sure what to expect....except of course power outages and days of eating non-perishable food.  

  As the outer bands approached it honestly just felt like any other rainy day.  My sister and I even commented that we were expecting a lot worse.  As a precaution we all (that is my sister, nieces and I) all decided to camp out together in the living room, but we went to bed Saturday night feeling pretty lucky that this thing wasn't as bad as they predicted.

  A few hours later we were woken up by what sounded like one of the kids falling off the bed (which was weird because we were sleeping on mattresses on the floor).  We got up to look around and this is what we saw (see picture to the left)  A tree had fallen on our garage (and that was only the "small" half)!

  At this point we were getting nervous.  The worse of the storm still hadn't arrived and we already had branches coming through a portion of the house...this could not be good!  Lucky for us....even hours later that was the worst of it!  No power outage, no other damage.

  Over the past few days I've been seeing images and video from around the state of all the damage other people have experienced and I can't help but so lucky!  This was just a tropical storm....not even a true hurricane...and people have lost so much!  It's scary to think what could have been, what we could of lost!  I feel like someone was truly looking  out for us and I am GRATEFUL!

A constant Prayer....

  Sometimes I feel like the worst Christian ever.  My ideas and thought processes are so different than 90% of the christians I know, that so often I feel like the odd ball out.  I don't fit in with the main stream of people in this world because I have such a strong faith and I don't fit in with a lot of christians because I question so much about our said faith.  It kinda makes a girl feel like an island in a world where "no man is a island".

  Then I go out to dinner with a friend, who sits down and lets me spout my ideas about life, love and God.  She allows me to ask the tough questions that most people just shove under the rug.  She allows me to share freely about my thoughts, whether or not she agrees, and has no problem sharing her thoughts right back even if that means we aren't on the same page.  She's real, open and honest with me....and I realize I feel safe, secure, loved...like I belong...she is my sister in Christ...this is how it should be.  So once again I find myself reflecting on this day and praying....God help me to be more like my friend so that I in turn can be more like you....amen.

To Become Great....

This morning I was reading and came across the following quote by Mark Twain...

"Really great people make you feel that you, too, can become great."

... and I started thinking about all the "real great" people in my life.  The people who challenge me to be better when all I want to do is fit in..... the people who call me out when I need to hear it, but do it in a way I can accept it.... the people who love me for who I am and not just for who I portray myself to be... the people who stand by me when it seems the whole world is against me... the people  who can bring out my goofy side without making me feel like I will regret it in the morning....the people who stick around long enough to draw from the deep waters that I don't share with many....the people who allow me to be there for them when they are going through trails of their own.....the people who share their lives with me and help create such special memories.....the people who join in my excitement about something even when it's not really their thing....the people who serve with me when there are "better" things they could be doing.....the people who listen to me talk and take the time to hear the words I speak between the lines.....the people who can look into my eyes and see into my heart....

....And I just pray that God would help me to become more and more like them.....and ultimately, in turn become more and more like Him...Amen

An Attitude of Gratitude......

  I have some really great friends.  But honestly sometimes it's easy for me to forget that.  I can get so caught up in the fact that my friendships aren't what I want them to be, or the fact that I struggle so much to trust people and to let them in... yet at the end of the day I am a pretty blessed girl!
  Today I came home from work and was greeted by a lovely letter from one of my said friends (see pic to right).  The thing is....today was a pretty great day to begin with, but that letter was like the icing on the cake!  It's amazing what a few sincere words from a friend can do....no matter what mood your in!
  So  tonite I thank God for the gift of friendship.  And for giving me the kinda of friendships that may not be what I expect in my mind, but become exactly what it is I need!  And Thank you to all of you out there who impact my life in so many ways!  I am grateful!

  I probably shouldn’t admit this, but I will.  Growing up, I hated the story of “The Prodigal Son” in the bible.  It’s suppose to be this great story of God’s love and grace…it’s suppose to bring you repentance as you find comfort in a God who loves you in spite of yourself…..it’s suppose to give you that sense of security in the God who  is running arms outstretched to you as you turn your heart back to him.  But honestly….I was never quite able to see that in the story.  Instead what always stood out to me in the story, is the older brother and how even though he did everything right (i.e. he didn’t demand his inheritance…basically spitting in his father’s face and saying I wish you were dead….and then after wasting it all living the crazy life, come crawling back asking for more like his brother), yet in the end it’s his brother who is lavished with love… and acceptance….and an all out welcome home party!   

  In so many ways I can relate to the older brother…..I can almost see his story played out in my own life when it comes to me and one of my own sisters.  So basically, I’ve never really enjoyed the story because reading it always felt like a punch in the gut!  It’s like I could sense I was on the wrong side of the story…I was the “Older brother”….and I was missing out!

  Today I read the book “The Prodigal God” by Timothy Keller and I have to say it truly challenged me to look at the story in a different way and it forced me to examine the state of my heart!  Keller does something in this story that I have never seen before in a book….he takes a well known bible story and makes it 3-dimentional, giving you perspective from every different angle.  He talks about the younger brother (of course) and how he dishonors the father by going out and doing everything wrong, but then he also talks about the older brother and how he was just as dishonoring to the father by doing everything right, but for the wrong motivation!  The older brother may not have “sinned” in the way his younger brother did….but he also assumed that because of everything he did the father OWED him something….in his mind he kept to the “law” of the culture and therefore was deserving of a reward! 

  There’s this great apocryphal story in this book (a story originally told by Elizabeth Elliot but not really in the bible) where Jesus tells the disciples to pick up a rock and follow him.  Peter hearing Jesus say this decides that Jesus never said how big of a rock so he picks up a small stone and then gets behind Jesus as Jesus says “Come follow me”.  Later in the day, Jesus sits down with the disciples, tells them to pull out their rocks and then turns them into bread.  As they are getting ready to leave Jesus again tells his disciples to pick a rock, and having thought he had learned his lesson Peter this time picks up a large stone that is hard to carry and causes him to lag behind during the next part of the journey.  When they finally get to their next destination, Jesus tells the disciples to pull out their rocks and throw them in the water.  Peter is dumbfounded and Jesus responds, “Don’t you remember what I asked you to do? Who were you carrying the stone for?”

  It’s so easy to get caught up in doing things “for” God and expecting something in return!  It’s easy to be a Pharisee and  to demand God do what you want because you think you’ve done what he wants!  What’s hard (at least for me at times) is recognizing how much of a sinner you truly are…..what’s hard is seeing the ugliness of your own heart and recognizing how much you need a savior…..what’s hard is admitting the ways you have tried to be God or control God and then repenting and placing control back in His hands!  But that’s what also makes this story (the prodigal son) so great…..it's recognizing that no matter what side of the story you’re on, no matter how your heart has gone astray, the father’s still coming to reach out to you!  So Thanks Timothy Keller for opening my eyes to the joy of the story!

The Crossroads of Grace and my Faith....

  You know the saying "Bad things come in threes"?  Do you think that that could also be true for learning lessons....at least for those of us who are stubborn and hard headed like me (although that number should be more like 10-20 times)?  It seems lately everywhere I turn I am faced with the Message of grace! Maybe it's the fact that I've been re-working my way through the book "The Reign of Grace" by Scotty Smith that my eyes are so open to seeing the message all around me.  But It also seems that everyone has been talking a bit about grace lately (check out two of my favorite blogs to see what others have to say about it at... http://www.dereklevendusky.com/?p=1146 and http://www.jonacuff.com/stuffchristianslike/2011/08/taking-god-seriously/ ).
  Tonight on my run I was thinking a lot about my relationship with God....both where I've come in it and where I am in it right now....and I realized that grace is such a hard thing for me to comprehend.  I grew up in the church...in fact from the moment I was conceived my butt has in a pew (well maybe not completely consistently but close enough)......and yet the idea that God, who created me and knows me better than I know myself, chooses to show me grace in spite of all that I've done, do and will do is astounding!  I can't wrap my brain around it!
   The crazy thing is.....that's the gospel right there.....that God treats us not as our sins deserve, but instead loves us so much he sent his son to die for us so that we wouldn't have to pay the punishment for our sins and be separated from him forever!  How could I have grown up in the church, been "saved" at the age of 14, and overwhelmingly drawn back to God a year and a half ago....and yet still not have the complete understanding that it's by GRACE I have been saved and not of my own works (Ephesians 2:8)!  How do I get that knowledge to move the six inches from my head to my heart?
  It seems no matter how hard I try to keep my relationship with God real and authentic...and basically gospel centered, I always slide back into the belief that somehow I can earn God's love and acceptance.  For some reason it's easier for me to create an imaginary check list of all the things I'm suppose to do, say and be as a Christian and then check those off as my proof to God that I am some how worthy of the gift of his Son.  Yet I'm not worthy and time and time and time again I am faced with the reality that I am a sinner who will never get it all right..... I am selfish and self centered, I have wrong motivations, I say and/or think rude things, I hurt people, I disappoint people, I build up walls between myself and others, etc.  How does any of this prove that I somehow have earned my way into God's love?!  It can't and it doesn't!  I need grace.....not just just a knowledge of it in my head, but an understanding of it in my heart!