This past week was a
pretty overwhelming week for me. For one, I over committed myself and had no me
time…which for an introvert is pretty much setting yourself up for failure. And then I had a lot I needed to think
through and pray about…which doesn’t really happen when you’re just moving from one activity to
the next to the next. Plus I do this
thing when I’m busy where I stop giving my best to things and just focus on getting through them… then I get mad because things
aren’t turning out as I want, because I’m not giving enough to them…and then I
start to feel like I suck at everything.
Before I know it I spiral down into this sense of despair and become
depressed…and then I beat myself up even more for feeling that way! After that I try to cover it all up so nobody
will know and think less of me…but then I feel all alone, so I become even
more depressed and hopeless…..and the hole just gets deeper and deeper and
deeper! NO BUENO (see my Spanish lessons
are starting to rub off on me)!
Luckily last night
I started to climb my way out…thanks to the study some of us are doing at my
church on the book “The Battlefield of the Mind” by Joyce Meyers (Side
Note: I’ve known of Joyce Meyers for
years but never really paid attention to her because I figured she was just
like all those other big time preachers who get wrapped up in making money
instead of carrying out God’s message and bringing glory to Him. Turns out, she actually does have a lot of
wisdom….and clearly I miss judged her).
Then this morning I
was standing in service during worship and it was like God spoke to me these
words, “Just so you know, I never called you to be God”. Now frankly, I’m not really big on the whole
“God spoke to me” thing. I believe God
can speak to people…and He can speak to me….but it’s always weird when it
happens because it’s not like you can hear his audible voice! Yet something inside of me (call it the
spirit If you want) clearly spoke those words to my heart…and it shocked me.
To be honest….I act
like I’m God a lot. It’s not like its
intentional or anything… I just like to make sure everyone is happy, feels
accepted, has everything they need, etc….
So I go out of my way to give… serve …be…. whatever is needed so they
can have that. And just so you don’t
think I’m some sort of saint, my motives aren’t always pure…in fact sometimes I
do all this for others because a part of me believes that somehow in doing so
I’ll receive the same things myself. So
I work my butt off…trying to do everything…be everything…save everyone…control
everything…basically be God! And it’s overwhelming!
Today in service when I felt like God was speaking
to me, it was like a slap in the
face….not a b*tch slap, or an angry mamma slap, but more of a snap-out-of-it
kind of slap you’d give someone whose going into shock! It’s like God was saying, “look I’m
God…you’re not. So stop trying to
control everything. Stop trying to make
everything work out and be just right.
Stop trying to make the world spin.
The weight of the world was never meant to be carried on your shoulder
and I never asked you to carry it! So stop!”.
And it wasn’t said judgmentally or anything…more in kind of a tough love
sense…telling me what I needed to hear whether I wanted to hear it or not!
God’s like that…..He
knows what I need, when I need it and how I will best be able to receive it in
any particular moment or situation! It’s
kind of amazing…okay more than kind of!
Anyway, I would be lying if I told you now everything is perfect…cause
let’s face it life is not a sitcom where everything gets resolved by the end of
the show. But I did some repenting…and
venting…and journaling…and honestly, I feel better…like my burden has been
lifted or lightened. Hum…I guess that’s
what it’s supposed to feel like when you actually let God be God!
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