I think a very big part of me longs for community. A group of people who like me and get me and can speak to my heart in a way that challenges, corrects and convicts me without making me feel unaccepted, judged and condemned. And I long to be and do that for other people as well. It all seems so very right. And Yet... sometimes I wonder if my personality will ever allow to me to experience that.
It seems lately that my fear of being rejected by people outweighs my desire to know and be known by them. I'm afraid to be real in sharing myself with people...my thoughts, my opinions, my struggles, my fears... because I don't want to be rejected by them (even admitting in this post that I fear being rejected makes me nervous because I know people who will judge me for not finding my acceptance in God when I claim to be a christian, and thus reject me). It's like I think that if I don't live up to some certain standard I'll never make it into the "cool club" and so I have to choose between being who I think I'm suppose to be and thus being accepted, or being who I really am and thus risking rejection. It's almost easier to just keep people a bay....and yet that's the last thing I want.
I know the reality is that I should just be who I am and if people like me great and if not then oh well, but it's much harder to walk that out than it is to speak it. And I know I should just trust God that He made me who I am and I am perfect in His sight, but clearly the world knows I'm not perfect. So how am I suppose to go about building a community when I fear the very risk it takes to build one?
I don't know, maybe I am just tried and over thinking this all. But am I the only one who ever struggles with this though?
No, you're not the only one who struggles with this. The sad thing, is in our desire to self-protect, we actually become something we don't like, we become someone who seems like others can't trust us. We become more worried about ourselves than others, we become un-reachable and cut off relationships.
ReplyDeleteThis is a really hard struggle. I understand it all too well. And in the moment of pure terror and self-doubt it so easy to forget that anyone would even care about our withdrawal but the truth is, (and I hate to even think about this) is that I often leave a trail of hurt in my wake. In a way, fear of rejection is like living suicide. I can only see my own pain but I forget that when I withdraw, the effects are far reaching and has the potential to leave others in agony.
So how do we stop struggling and reverse our behavior? Can we even change ourselves in this way or is it a human nature struggle...like a thorn in the flesh?
ReplyDeleteI believe that we must continue to struggle until...and it might be a struggle until we die.I think it's like everything else, it requires obedience, making a choice. It requires me to walk through the fear, clinging desperately to Jesus as I put myself out there and know that what matters is not that I'm rejected by people but that I've been accepted by Christ. The only person whose approval I need is God's, everyone else's doesn't really matter. My salvation is not in their hands, my happiness is not wrapped up in them. It requires me to maintain constant focus on God. Imagine it this way, pretend that you and God go roller skating. You don't know how to skate on your own so he's got you by the hand and tells you to keep looking into his eyes so that you don't fall but in your peripheral vision you can see other people doing turns and rolling along happily. When feel like we look stupid, hanging on to God, we should do what they are doing so we let go, lose our balance and fall on our keister. If only we'd just held on to God.
ReplyDeleteYou are not the only one who stuggles with this. I do on a daily basis I care way to much about what people think of me and my actions my parenting skills etc. I know its silly and everyone says just be you worry about you not what everyone else thinks or what you think they think. But its HARD.
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