To Whom Else Should I go?!?!....

  There is a story in the Bible where Jesus is preaching to His followers and He gives them a hard teaching, causing many of them to turn away and no longer follow Him.  After so many people desert Him, Jesus turns to His 12 disciples and asks "Are you going to leave me now too"?.  Simon Peter replies to Him.."Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.  We have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God.” 

  This week I feel like I could almost voice those same words.  I don't really know how to explain it....words seem to fail me when deep stuff is going on in my heart.....but the past few weeks I've been struggling....at least when it comes to my faith. I believe in God....I know He is real...all my hope is in HIM....and there is nobody else to turn to.  Yet......I feel dirty, unworthy, incapable and unacceptable....and like I have no right to come to the Father!

  Now logically, as a Christian, I know this is NOT true!  I've been preaching to myself for weeks now about how because of the blood of Christ I am forgiven, justified and sanctified.....holy and blameless in the eyes of God!  I am grateful for this..... Thankful for this....know this is my ONLY hope!  And yet I'm struggling to walk in it.

  I go to church....or listen to our current sermon series online....and think about the high calling God has placed on all of our lives....how He's called us to be perfect and set a standard of living that is so high none of us can obtain it except through Him.  And then I feel this despair come over me, because I know I don't live like this....I'm so far off the mark....and I begin to wonder what's wrong with me that I can't seem to allow God to live all this through me.

  And...to be honest....I guess a part of me knows I'm missing the whole point of these sermons....that at some point I chased a bunny off the trail and got lost trying to catch it.  But I can't help it.....I feel like I'm suppose to GET THIS....like I'm suppose to be a Christian who understands the fundamentals of faith...and isn't this fundamental?!?!  Why is this, for me, such a hard teaching....showing me just how wrong I am and making me feel like I will never get it right!?!  I feel strapped to God's operating table once again...with His inspecting lights shining down on me...and it's uncomfortable....and I don't like it one bit!

  And YET...the truth of the matter is....no matter how uncomfortable things get, no matter how much I don't understand or how Dirty and unacceptable I feel.....I find myself clinging desperately to the very thing that scares me the most in this moment....the very heart of Jesus.  Because even though I feel like I'm covered in Mud, with cuts and bruises all over me and bones broken  before Him, I know He is the healer...and I know He is the one who can make sense out of this chaotic misunderstanding...and I know HE is my only Hope!  To Him I cling....Amen.

 
 

Humbleness 101....

  The other night at my community group we were discussing worrying and the question was posed, "What are the worries that keep you up at night".   For most people it's money....and for some others it's lack of control....for me it's probably a little bit of both those things but also another....which I discovered last night.

  As some of you know I am planning on joining Operation Mobilization as a missionary to Ecuador sometime in the coming months.  Last night I received an email from them which involved me having to do a few more things before being sent to the field, after already being given the green light to prepare, and it basically felt a little like a step backwards for me.

  I sat in bed trying to fall asleep and just kept thinking it all over and over and over again and realized while I was not concerned about how things would work out or even about any of the extra work I had to do, I was very concerned about what others would think about me having to push back my leaving date.  I was worrying over whether people would understand, if people would still support me if I ended up having to leave later and if people would think bad of me for saying one thing and having another happen.

  I was up for hours stressing about how I could changed things and if I could make people understand without thinking bad of me.  And then in the midst of all my worry, it was like God asked me...."If you're really doing this for the glory of my name, then why are you so concerned about your own reputation"!!!  OUCH...

   I can't even begin to explain how dirty and sinful and wretched I felt in that moment when I discovered that here I was taking something so "of God" and making it all about me!  It's like 200x worse than that moment when you discover your fly is down after talking in front of a whole crowd, or finding a piece of food in your front tooth after talking to a really cute guy!  It's just mortifying!

  I felt undone standing before a Holy God, understanding in that one moment that I am more sinful then I could ever understand...and how I use the things of God for my own Glory instead of allowing God to use me for His!  And in that one moment I understood what Isaiah must have felt like when he said, "Woe is me.  I am undone"!

   I woke up this morning completely humbled....confident in God, but humbled that in spite of the fact that I seem to be more concerned about people thinking well of me than in trusting in God's plan, that He has still called me, chosen me and will use me!

  Thank you God that you don't treat me as my sins deserve and that you are not surprised by my failings!  Thank you that you see my willingness to serve you and never give up on me!  Thank you that every day you are showing me how much more I need you and for taking the time to conform me more and more into your image!  Continue your work Lord until all I am is truly yours.  Amen!

Meaning in the Midst of Meaninglessness....

  I am working my way through a bible reading plan that currently has me reading Ecclesiastes....you know, the book where "everything is meaningless".  I think if I was reading this book at any other point in my life I would walk away from it feeling completely helpless....like what is the point of anything if God's only plan for man is a life of toil and then death.  But right now...at this moment...I'm almost finding a sense of reassurance....like, yes...life really isn't about me and really is about God.

  I've mentioned before how I keep having these moments wherein all the clutter of the world seems to clear out of the way in my mind and for a brief second I get life!  For example, in those moments, I get that I was created to bring God glory and everything I do in this world should point to that.  Of course moments later that clarity gets swept away by my own self-righteousness or self-centeredness or even a need to be accepted.

  None-the-less I think King Solomon had it right....how meaningless would it be to spend your whole life working for yourself and your own comfort and your own gain...only to die and have none of it mean a single thing!

  I don't know about you but I don't want to waste my life...I don't want to cling to the temporary or chase after that which I can't take with me to heaven.  And so I sit here tonight...praying, asking, pleading with God to open my eyes more fully to the reality of what He's doing in this world and what it looks like to live for Him in it.....and seeking for the strength to walk it out (Amen)!

Speaking of What Really Matters...

  Several years ago I heard this analogy on a podcast of a sermon by Tim Chaddick out of Reality LA.  He said that knowing God is like having the cure for cancer and more times than not instead of sharing that cure with the friends around us that are dying from the disease, we just place a bottle of the antidote on the table and hope they see it and ask us about it.

  I've been thinking about this a lot lately, and about how often times I only share my faith when people ask me about it.  I see my friends struggling and suffering and longing for hope...and I sit there offering my limited comfort instead of being forth right enough to tell them about the Savior. 

  I think this quite possibly makes me a bad friend.  I mean if I truly believe that Jesus is The way, The Truth and The life....and I truly Love my friends as much as I say I do....then wouldn't I want to share this truth with them?!?!  Wouldn't I want them to have the Love, Hope, Joy, Strength, etc that I've found in him?!?! 

  While this has been on my mind for a while now, I guess I started thinking  about it a lot more after church this past Sunday.  You see, my pastor had shared in his sermon a quote by CS Lewis that says... "just as men spontaneously praise whatever they value, so they spontaneously urge us to join them in praising it: “Isn’t she lovely? Wasn’t it glorious? Don’t you think that magnificent?” The Psalmists in telling everyone to praise God are doing what all men do when they speak of what they care about"...and while his point had to do with prayer, I couldn't help but think, why is it so easy to share my praise of so many other things in life with my friends, but yet I struggle to do so with things of faith if I know the other person doesn't believe?!

  Obviously the answer is cause I'm self-centered and approval seeking....and I care more about what my friends think about me then I do about them and their heart!  So I sit there celebrating with the cured that we have been cleansed from cancer....all the while allowing those in my life who need the cure the most to continue deteriorating with out saying a word.

  What really makes me a better friend....not trying to step on anyone's toes by mentioning God and thus living a life of "don't ask, don't tell"....or letting my relationship with God freely flow through my lips so that the people I care about most will know there is a God out there who sees, them and loves them and wants nothing more than for them to come to Him and find true freedom?!?!

   I think the answer is obvious!

Getting Real with Myself...

  I use to think that I was the type of person who expected more out of myself than out of others.  I have said things like....I'm just really hard on myself... and.... I just expect better of myself....and basically acted as if the standard by which I choose to live is so righteous that I am as close to perfect as a sinner can get and everyone else should just bow to my greatness (okay..so I'm not that full-of-myself, but you get the point)!

  Lately though...I've been noticing the cracks in my own theory.  In the past week alone I've gotten angry, frustrate and annoyed at people in my life for doing the same things I have done myself and yet I've excused my behavior without offering that same excuse to others!  HYPOCRITE!

  I am the type of person who expects immediate forgiveness when I hurt people....and then drags my feet in forgiving people in return!  I am the type of person who talks out the issues I have with one person to everyone but that person... and then gets mad when that person doesn't approach just me when there are issues!  I am the type of person who gets frustrated when it feels like nobody is really listening to me...and yet when people ask for my listening ear, I am often so distracted I miss their main point!

  I act like everything is fine when it's not.  I throw people under the bus to protect myself.  I lie when I should be truthful.  I put my own interest above others.  I seek my own comfort first.  I think I'm right even when I know I am not.

  Basically...I am learning more and more... that I am a SINNER....just like everyone else!  THANK GOD for a savior!

To Live in the Light...

  I use to struggle with sharing my sin.  Not that I enjoy it now....but...I guess I am starting to understand it better now.  I seem to be realizing more and more how bringing things into the light takes the power away from any situation or sin.  And I think in turn I'm growing up and maturing just a little bit more.

  I guess my biggest fears in sharing my sin have always been that people will judge me or call me out on it....in both cases my reputation is the thing that is tarnished.  But lately I have been having these brief moments of clarity....these fleeting times where in the midst I am able to see life and myself clearly...and in that I find power to be who God says I am.

  I know that sounds funny (and maybe a bit confusing)....but the truth is...when I really think about it, I see the freedom in being a slave to Christ.  I use to see my religion as a list of do's and don'ts and I would find myself so frustrated at the end of the day because of how imperfect and far away from that goal I got on my own.  But lately I've been sensing this reality that it's okay to fail and not get it all right in my own strength...in fact maybe that's even the point...because it's only when I realize how much I sin and fall short, that I really take the time to seek God and call out to Him.

  My sin points out my need for a savior.  I see it in my interactions with people I can't seem to get a long with, even though I am called to love them.  I see it in the moments I care more about my own acceptance than the heart of my friends when I tell them what I know they want to hear instead of the truth.  And I see it when I get angry and frustrated because I didn't get my way or what I was expecting.

  When I admit these things about myself and speak of them freely...it's not that I am sucumming to them...I'm not giving up and saying oh well this is who I am.  Instead I think in sharing my struggles I'm allowing people to hold me to a standard of improvement and I am admitting that in order to change I need the grace of God.

  It's safer to say I'll make it on my own...I don't need anyone or anything....but I think it's in community and among friends that God can really open up our hearts and do the deep inner work in us.  When we stop hiding in the shadows and pretending like there is no problem, God can take his examining light and shine it in such a way that he can do the most intricate work in our lives.  And that...I think...are the exact moments he uses to make us more and more like Him.

It's Never Easy to Do the Right Thing!

  Several months ago I began working a few shifts a week at a local bookstore (same company I worked at before, just a different location).  I'm not in charge of anything, I get to pretty much work all over the store and I'm only there a couple of hours a shift.  It's great!

  Unfortunately, I work with someone whom I am having a really hard time with.  I don't think she is a bad person, I just really struggle with her personality, work ethic and how she tends to come across.  Normally I can pretty much get along with everyone....even people I don't particularly like....but for some reason with her...I can't seem to do it!

  In fact the other day I was quite rude to her over a mess she left for me to deal with.  I knew I was being rude....I knew I should have just kept my mouth shut or tried to say something edifying in the moment of annoyance....but I didn't, because quite frankly I wanted her to feel my wrath!

  How wrong is that?!?!  Here I am....a Christian who is suppose to Love people, not judge them and not treat them as their "sins" deserve...and yet all I want to do (and quite honestly am doing) is make myself out to be better than her and thus cut her down to size!

  I was so convicted of this on Sunday as I listened to the sermon at church, that I decided the next time I saw her I would be the bigger person and apologize.  And yet...on Monday, when I had more than one chance to do so....I just found myself getting more and more annoyed with her and completely unwilling to say anything!

  Why is it so hard to do what's right sometimes?  I'm a sinner just like she is and I screw up and rub people the wrong way all the time....so why can't I just see that and find a way to love her?!  Anyone else ever struggle with this?!?! 

Distracted Prayers....

  I do a lot of praying in my car.  It's one of the few quiet places in my life where I know I will spending a lot of time and where I won't be interrupted.  So... usually I get in my car, leave the radio off or lowly play some worship music and then spend most of my drives centering myself on God.  And it is glorious...just what I need!  This morning however.... my prayer drive was....RIDICULOUS...although it didn't start out that way! 
  I got in my car as usual and has I began to drive, opened up with my normal "Dear God please protect me in this car as we both know how "wonderful" my  driving skills are", and then proceeded to go thru my normal list of thanks, praise, confessions, and requests (although never said in that order or one by one...in fact it's usually a mixed up mumbled mess of words that cascade out of my heart all at once).

  Before I even got to the highway...which mind you is within 5 minutes of my house...I realized I was no longer praying but rather singing Maroon 5's "One More Night" out loud.  How does that happen?!?!  How can I get so distracted from praying that I don't even realize I've moved on to doing something else when I'm suppose to be in the midst of prayer?!!

  Anyway, once I realized that God's not exactly "Stuck on my body like a tattoo", I moved back into praying and tried to really concentrate on what I was saying.  But once again I found myself lost in thought and not in prayer....and basically  using my prayer time to think about my day and where I would fit the few errands I need to do, into the short breaks I have between activities today. Not exactly Godly in that... my life and schedule should fit into His mission for the world and not the other way around! 

   Well, by the time I caught myself this time I was already at my first stop and put my "prayer" on hold until I dropped off my young companion whom I take to preschool.   The original plan was to pray in my head while driving with him (since I usually just pray out loud in my car), but the second  we got into the car we started talking about the storm we had last night and how cool it would be to have the power to control lighting...and well I never got back to that plan.

  I guess I should have picked up my prayers after dropping him off but honestly, once again I was distracted by the thought of how it would look if my interactions with my friends went like this morning prayer time was going!  I thought about how annoyed people would be with me if I started off sharing the story of my day with them, only to stop midway and break out into some top 100 radio hit that's completely unrelated.  Or how self-centered they might feel I am for interrupting their sharing with a list of all the things I need to do in my day that didn't include them!

  You'd think this would drive me immediately back to prayer.  That I would see how frustrating it might be for God never mind another person to have me so distracted  in my time with Him....but it didn't.  In fact I actually had to write all this down before I could push it out of my head enough to really concentrate on my prayers.

   The thing about praying is that some times it becomes so nonchalant for me that I forget I'm coming before a HOLY God.  It's like in trying to maintain my relationship with God, I make prayer so "normal" that I forget what it took for me to have the privilege to speak to God myself and not go through a priest. 

  I don't think prayers are suppose to be "stiff"...I don't think they are suppose to be structured and said in some sort of specific order, or otherwise they are not valid.  In fact I think prayer really is just talking to God. However, I never want to forget the implications of what that means...that I'm talking to GOD...and I never want treat my time with Him like it's of no value. 

   So this morning I repented...and I went back to my car and spent that time with God...thanking Him, Praise him, Confessing and laying my requests at His feet....and basically taking the time to make Him the center of my life.  And...once again....it was just what I needed!

 

 

Dangerous Prayers...

  In life there are a few prayers you can make that I would consider DANGEROUS.  Now what I mean by DANGEROUS is not that they are bad things to pray...but...rather they are the kind of things that when you pray them, God will answer and the consequences will not always be easy.

  One of those DANGEROUS prayers is the prayer for patience.  The second those words pass through your lips and up to God, it's like you've given Him permission to put you in situations that will test your patience (for it's only in stretching your patience that it will grow).  I made the "mistake" of praying this before....and boy did I learn my lesson.  Before I knew it everything in life seemed to be gnawing on that part of me that hates to wait.  And while I'm certainly not the most patient person in the world now,  my patience certainly grew....through lots and lots of moments of testing! 

  Another one of those DANGEROUS prayers is the "break my heart for the things that break yours" prayer.  Great prayer in theory.  In fact praying that prayer will change your life.  I guess the question is, are you really ready for your life to change.  When I first began praying that prayer I had no idea it would mean creating an uncontrollable ache and longing in my heart for the orphan....or a somewhat idealistic desire to stand up for those who can't speak for themselves...or even a willingness to sacrifice everything I've ever known in order to pursue something greater than myself.  That prayer alone has changed so many of the priorities in my life and flipped my perspective on what truly matters in this world.

   And now, just recently I've discovered another DANGEROUS prayer...the prayer to ask God to show you the depths of your own sin.  I don't know what possessed me to begin praying this.  I guess it started before Easter when I found myself face to face with the cross, knowing in my head what Christ did for me on it, but longing in the depths of my heart to understand it more fully.

  It seems every day since I began praying this, I've been confronted with my own self-centeredness or selfishness or need for approval.  I can't even make it through a quarter of my day before I realize I've fallen into a puddle of sin and spent, at the very minimum the last five minutes, wading in it.  It's not that every moment of the day I'm doing something wrong...in fact I think a lot of my sin comes more from wrong motives than wrong actions....but it's the fact that I'm recognizing it more and more...and realizing every day, a little more fully, just how much of a wretch I am.

  Now like I said....just cause these are DANGEROUS prayers, doesn't make them bad prayers.  I think it's through prayers like this that God is given permission to transform us more and more into His image.  I certainly have a long way to go in this....and there's certainly a part of me that bucks against the "pain" of these types of changes.  But ultimately, my biggest prayer and probably the most DANGEROUS one I could ever pray... is for God to make me "just like Him", and with that comes the willingness to risk praying the DANGEROUS. 

The Want to WANT...

 I've been in this religious funk for a while now....okay so in my world...where  days stretch on like weeks and weeks can feel like months or even years..."a while" is probably just a week or two, but none the less I've been living in this....FUNK....for a while, and I hate it!

  For years now I've been saying that I don't WANT my relationship with God to be a list of "do's" and "don'ts".  I don't WANT to serve Him out of obligation, or make my ministry a "have to" and  I don't WANT to read my bible, go to church, pray or do any of those other "religious" things out of duty. 

  All those things....all the "stuff" that comes from serving God... are things I WANT to do because I WANT to do it.  I WANT my heart to WANT to WANT to do them.  I WANT to be so in love with God that these things are my automatic desire.  But I'm just not there...all the time...yet.

  The Bible says something like, no man can come to the Father unless God draws him.  And I know in my own life, if it weren't for God seeking me when I was doing everything in my power to hide from Him, I wouldn't be a Christian today.

  So is it possible that the "WANT" to WANT God....to read your Bible, to pray, to worship, to serve God....has to come from God himself?  Can we really genuinely muster up within ourselves that WANT, or is it in fact something that God has to do in our hearts?

The Hard Part of Old and New..

  My birthday was a week or so ago and for a present my parents got me a new laptop.  It's so nice and has all these great features (like a web cam and Microsoft 2013) that will come in handy in the future, but I have to admit the gift was a little bitter sweet. 

   You see my old laptop was basically falling apart....the screen was held together with medical tape and was connected to the keyboard with only  one screw...oh and it had to stay plugged in at all times when it was on because the battery had died.  But it was also my prized procession.  It was the first major purchase I ever made on my own....plus my brother in law helped pick it out for me (and by helped I mean did all the work and left just paying for me), so it's one of the few connections I still had with him. 

 And now, with getting ready to lay that old laptop to rest, it feels like I've come to the end of an era. I know that sounds totally over-dramatic and a bit cheesy...and it is, I'll admit it....but it's true....I'm going to miss that old laptop!

  The funny thing is, I am like this with a lot of things in life.  I hold onto everything until it's absolutely falling apart and can't possibly go on much longer.  My car's been on it's last leg for years, but I keep driving it.  My socks almost all have wholes in them somewhere, but I keep on wearing them. Some of my favorite board games are missing vital pieces, but instead of throwing them away I keep them just in case I find what's missing and can play it again.  Maybe it's separation anxiety...or maybe I'm just a hoarder...but I really hate getting rid of stuff, even if it's just to make room for the new.

  Am I the only one like this?  Do I need to check myself into a 12 step program and teach myself the importance of letting things go?  Or is this all just pretty normal for all of us in the world?

  

Re-focusing at the Center For Retreat and Renewal....

  Yesterday was Good Friday and thus continuing on in my theme this year of spending more time thinking about and reflecting on what this Easter season is all about, I spent some of my afternoon at the Center for Renewal and Retreat.  The Center is this retreat house in the "backwoods" of a local town that is located on 38 acres of land.  It has hiking paths, prayer huts, and even an outdoor chapel...as well as a comfy little house...for you to use and just get away from the hustle and bustle of life in order to meet with God.  I had been there before, but I was really excited to go back....especially after the crap-tastic morning I had.

  When I first arrived, I stopped in the house to say hello and then headed out into the great outdoors.  There's a little prayer hut by a little stream in the woods just a little up the path from the building and I knew I wanted to head there to quiet myself and read a bit of God's word.  I read through Matthews account of Jesus's last days...his trial and crucifixion...and the about His Resurrection.  And then headed for the trails to reflect  and pray.

  There's something about being surrounded by nature that truly helps me to connect with God.  I see Him in the glare of the sun or the formation of the clouds.  I hear Him in the chirping of the birds or the flowing of a stream.  I sense Him in the current of a breeze and the crunching of leaves beneath my feet.  It's like He's there....right there....all around me....and I know it!

   I guess it's for this reason that I find it so easy to  pray while

hiking in the woods.  Some people talk to a walking buddy, I use the time to talk to God...and yesterday was no different.  I spent the good part of an hour walking and talking with God...and I was brutally honest with Him, sharing how at times I feel like I'm not even a Christian because the most basic concepts of faith I fail to truly understand.  I even repented for the times and ways I've put on a show, pretending our relationship was what I thought it was suppose to be instead of what it actually is.  And I relished in the fact that, even when I'm not honest with the world, I am always honest with God...and I'm no longer afraid to be real with Him....even in the ugly times.  Then I headed inside for a time of group worship.

  I can't seem to find the right words to explain myself... but group worship was so hard for me.  I should have spent the time reflecting on the cross, but my mind was on how sucky of a Christian I felt like in comparison to every one else that was in the room.  I would try to sing and try to pray but I just kept getting more and more frustrated...because I'm not like them.  I don't like to pray out loud....I don't lift my hands in worship...I only get on my knees before God in the comfort of my own room. I found myself boiling down Christianity and faith in God into these simple outward displays... and the fact that I don't show them to the world was making me feel pretty condemned.

  Then I opened my bible to Romans 5  and began reading...." Therefore, since we have been made right in God’s sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory...When we were utterly helpless, Christ came at just the right time and died for us sinners... And since we have been made right in God’s sight by the blood of Christ, he will certainly save us from God’s condemnation."

   "Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus" (Romans 8:1).....NO CONDEMNATION...NONE!  As I read these verses, and thought about the rest of Romans (by far my favorite book in the Bible), I couldn't help but praise God!  In fact I ended up heading back outside after group worship, and going to the outdoor sanctuary to sit in front of the cross there, singing my own songs of praise!

  I may never get this Christian thing right....I may always struggle to want to fall back into works over grace or just to put on a show....I might never even feel comfortable praying out loud or raising my hands in worship....BUT  I'm still saved and there is no need for me to feel condemned!

  So maybe that's not the traditional lesson or focus for a Good Friday...but for me it's what I needed....especially heading into celebrating Christ's Resurrection Sunday....where it's His freedom that allows me to worship Him in my own way....no matter what it looks like or how it compares to others!

  

Celebrating the Passover Seder...

  Today is Good Friday....the day Jesus was crucified for the sins of the world.  This year, more than any year before, I've put lots of thought into The Cross  and what it meant for Jesus to do what He did.  Over the past week I've spent time meditating on the words Jesus spoke from the cross and over His last few days walking the earth, I've watched a play about it and discussed the ramifications  with my friends, and then last night I went to a Seder...which is the Jewish Passover meal (although I am not Jewish and the traditional day for the meal was days before).

  My friend Laura knows a Christian family who puts on this meal every year, for the last several years

and this year invited her (and thus me) to join. Since they aren't actually Jewish the symbolism of the meal was explained both in how  Jews would understand it and then also with things added in about how for us Christians Jesus is the Fulfillment.  It was by far one of the coolest things I have ever been a part of!

  For one...I knew only one person at the table and yet in that moment we were all ONE.  In fact during one of the pourings of the cup (There are four times through out the meal that your cup gets filled and you all drink together, each with a different meaning... the first representing Sanctification,the second Instruction, the third Redemption, and the fourth Praise) I looked around the room and was in awe that here we were... young and old, strangers and friends, former Catholics and former Jehovah Witnesses and fully committed never turning Christians...all dinning and celebrating together! It was, to me,such a great representation of what the body of Christ is and should be...and I was truly touched!

  Then I was also touched by parts of the actual ceremony.  Between the pouring of the second cup and the actual drinking of it, there was a responsive reading called "We should of be Content" where the "father" of the table goes phrase by phrase, through Jewish history from the time of exile all the way to the building of the actual temple, with the rest of us repeating "We should have been content" after each line.  At the very end the "father" says, "But praise the Lord!  God provided eternal salvation through the sacrifice of our messiah"!  As we read through it all I couldn't help but think how much God has done for us...all of us!  He's gone so far above and beyond....even when we've failed to be grateful!  He's just given and given...even to the point of death!  How could I do anything but Praise the Lord!!!

  There were other parts that stuck out to me as well....the symbolism of the different parts of the Seder plate, the extra setting for Elijah and the affikomen.....it all felt so meaningful and yet freeing at the same time.  Then after (this part is usually done in middle of the Seder,but we put it at the end), we all ate dinner together...I tried Matzo ball soup and lamb for the first time (yummers to the soup!)...and we had cake to acknowledge one of the gentleman's birthday's.  We even sat there after that for a good 30 minutes or so just talking around the table about the good things the Lord had done in our lives!

  I've never done anything like this before....and the fact that it was an experience I could share with my friend (and it fell on Holy Thursday), made it all the more special to me.  Who knows, maybe next year (or one of the years after that) I'll start this tradition myself.

Lessons From the Passion of the King...

  Last night I had the opportunity to go see "The Passion of the King", a passion play put on by a local church in our community. Basically it's the story of Easter....Jesus' final days on earth and His Resurrection...with a few other things added in for detail.  This particular church has put on this production for the community for years and although this was my first time seeing it, I have to say, they do a pretty great job (although there is definitely at least one over dramatic actor who preforms in it).  

  Anyway, as I was watching the play, a few things stuck out to me. For one, there is this scene in the first act where John the Baptist is talking to the crowd about Jesus and as they begin to break out in song (oh yeah...I forgot to mention this play was sort of a musical) people from the "crowd" began to come forward, one by one, proclaiming the things Jesus had done for them.  There's a healed leopard and blind man, the centurion and his son,  and then even Mary Magdalene. I think Mary stood out to me the most because she talked about how Jesus came to her...called her by name... and forgave her.

  He called her by NAME. I find that so powerful for some reason.  For one I think what people call you says a lot about how well they know you.  Take my name for example, in professional settings or when people are just meeting me, I'm called Jessica. When I am among friends or family, people who know me quite well, it's Jess.  And  then you have those few people who call me Jessie, showing that they are trying to be friendly, but that they also don't know me well enough to know I absolutely despise that name!  Thinking along those lines,  I think it's so powerful that Jesus called people by name.  With that one word (or two in some cases) He is saying... not only do i see you and acknowledge you,  but I know you....I really know you!  P-O-W-E-R-F-U-L......

   The other thing that stood out to me was from the scene in the

second act when Jesus is up on the cross dying and He screams out "my God, my God, why have you forsaken me?".  Now to be honest, I think in part this phrase stood out to me because of a discussion we had at my community group on Tuesday.  The group I am a part of meets once a week to further discuss the sermon we all heard the Sunday before.  This past Sunday our pastor preached on four of the last seven statements of Jesus...and this "why have you forsaken me" question was one of them.  

   On Tuesday the question was asked, "Why is Jesus asking Why?".  Yes Jesus is fully human and in agony for taking on the sins of the world (something that I can't even begin to wrap my head around), but He's also fully God and He knows this is why He was sent to earth, He knows this is the only way and  He knows what's going to happen in the end.  So why ask why?

   Watching the play and hearing these words spoken only seemed to bring up the question again for me, this time with a little more umph.  I thought about the fact that Jesus is dying here....He knows what He says here will be the last memory people ever have of Him (until His return)....and instead of spewing out another sermon or parable, He seems to be choosing His words wisely and His statements very carefully.  This leads me to believe there's some significance to why He would say them and why He would word them the way He did (I mean He could have just said, "God has forsaken me", but instead He asks God why have you forsaken).  I don't really know the answer....believe me people tried to explain it to me on Tuesday, so I would understand it, but I don't.  But it's still interesting to me none-the-less.

   And I guess that's the point of a play like this....to stir up questions and perk up interest in you that leads you to seek God for yourself!  And...well....if that is the point....then it definitely did it's job!  So if you live in the Hartford area and are interested, you should totally check this play out....of course, you'll have to wait until next year since it's completely sold out now (sorry!).

The Only One Who Can "Fix You" (or in this Case Me)!...

 When you try your best, but you don't succeed. When you get what you want, but not what you need.  When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep.Stuck in reverse
Lights will guide you home And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you

 -"Fix You"  by Cold Play-

____________________________________ 

  On Friday mornings my friend Alicia has a book study at her home based on the book "Not a Fan" by Kyle Idleman.  I've read the book before and watched most of the videos in the study, so I'm just  there to watch the kiddos and allow their mommies to have a much needed break and  to relax while they participate.  This past Friday however, I actually had a chance to join the adult  group and it turns out...it was the beginning of one of those moments you know God had His hands all over.

  You see, I seem to constantly fall back into this "works" mentality.  I know in my head that I am saved by grace...I know that I am  loved by God not because of what I do but because of who I am...and I know that there's no way I could ever earn my way into heaven. I know that.  I do......except....sometimes....I don't.  Not really. I get it in my head....but my heart certainly still has a long way to grow in grasping that!

  Well while at book study I decided that I was going to be completely honest and just share how I was feeling (since the first step to recovery is admittance, right?) and so I shared how sometimes I wish God would just hand me a detailed check off list of all He requires of me in order to live a life that honors Him.  It's not that I think I could actually live up to it....but I just kind of feel like if I had a list like that I would know exactly what God expected from me and exactly were I stood with Him (Although I guess I should already know that anyway).

  Well, the study went on and ended and then Friday night I went to a women's fellowship bible study that my church holds at Panera.  We were going through some selected Psalms and some how the topic of Law and Grace came up again. I started to share what I had said earlier at the book study, but was cut off by someone who reminded me that God's already given us that list....it's called the Bible.  She went on to say how the Bible is God's instruction book to us and that Jesus did not abolish the Law in it, but fulfilled it and now calls us to an even higher standard!  I pretty much left that study feeling like a horrible Christian whose just never gonna get it right...and completely condemned  (although I know that was not her intent)!

  Then came Sunday morning service.  Now I know I should probably enter into a church service expecting a big ah-ha moment from God, but I was just not feeling it...and so although I spent my morning preparing my heart for church with some worship, I didn't enter church looking for anything special.  In fact I was late (as always) and totally embarrassed for a mishap in trying to get to my seat, so my heart was pretty much anything but focused on God by the time the sermon came around (Hum...that happens a lot too)!

Anyway, my Pastor preached on Jesus's crucifixion and 4 of the 7 statements Jesus made before His death.  Statement number two was  "I tell you the truth, today you will be with me in paradise" (which He says to one of the convicts being crucified next to Him).  In and of itself, that doesn't seem like all that powerful of a statement, at least not something that could rock me to the core.  But he followed it up by saying something like...imagine this convict was being put to death for something he did to you (something so drastic it was deserving of nothing more than death and hell) and here he turns to Jesus in faith and Jesus claims paradise for him!  How would you feel?!  (Honestly....I would be angry...and I knew it)!  

  Well the point didn't stop there. My pastor went on to talk about how we can tell if we are still living by law or walking in grace based on how we would respond to that statement (ouch!)  and how we are really all just saved by faith not by works!  ALL who turn to God in faith are saved....from Jefferey Dommer to Mother Teresa! And it's not that we should go out sinning because it doesn't matter how we live, but that no matter how good we are (or think we are), we will never measure up...and God knows this, so He made a way!

  I just sat there through the rest of service thinking about this convicted man...how He turned to God and was welcomed into the Kingdom...just...like...that!  I imagined the joy...the relief....the overwhelming gratefulness...and awe he must have felt in that moment!...and I was undone!  I am that man....held against the law I'm not just a first time or second time offender....I'm a convicted repeater, prancing around in my jail suit that I've tried to cover up with Good deeds!  I try to pretend like I'm greater than I am and I try to convince people that I am not the sinner I know deep down I am.  But I don't have to...because that moment on the cross  was enough!

  Which brings me to my last point (I know this is getting long....I'm sorry...I'm wordy).  Before ending service my pastor made a few applications as to what this all means for our everyday lives (he's usually pretty good about tying it up like that).  One of his points included the fact that forgiveness and eternal life belong to ALL who repent and turn to Christ....that means nobody is ever too far from God's reach....AND that we no longer have to preform to prove ourselves to God!  It is finished!  And that is EXACTLY what I needed to hear!!!

The best kind of gifts...

  My birthday was yesterday (Hooray!) and it turned out to be a really great day for me! Honestly, I love my birthday.  It's the one time of year that I don't feel bad for wanting to feel loved and cared about! I also struggle a lot with not wanting to get my hopes up with things though.....since there's nothing worse than having your hopes dashed when things don't work out the way you expected... So all this week leading up to my birthday I kept reminding myself to not expect anything (well...anything more than the little bit I thought I knew about my party) and just to be happy with whatever happened! 

  Thankfully yesterday morning I also went to church and heard this great sermon that reminded me of the fact that I had already been given the greatest gift I could ever be given by God,  So I was pretty much feeling obscenely grateful before my birthday festivities even began!  Pretty much nothing could have ruined my mood!

  So my friend Christina sent me on a really fun scavenger hunt that involved coffee, food and books....three of my favorite things in the world! And then I ended up being led to a surprise party at her house with all my friends (which was way more than I expected)!!  We played games and ate food and talked....and it was great!

 Then sometime after mid-night I packed up all my stuff and headed home.  Before climbing into bed though I sat down and read through my cards (again) and a little box of notes/well-wishes from my friends. Some of them were silly and some of them were funny, but my favorites were the ones that reminded me that the work I put into my friendships is not in vain!  

   Sometimes I feel like people don't like me and just put up with me... and sometimes I feel like I'm a horrible friend who is too hard on the people in my life and I just drain the life out of them...and sometimes, like yesterday, I feel like my friends really do love me and are willing to go out of their way for me even when they don't have to!  And that's a pretty great birthday gift, if you ask me!

   So to all my friends and family and everyone who had a hand in making my day special,  THANK YOU, it means a lot!!!

What's Behind that Squeaky Wheel...

They say that the squeaky wheel gets the oil. I don't know who they are, but I think they are right! For most of my life I've tried not be the squeaky wheel....mostly for reasons that have to do with not wanting to be seen in a bad light or out of fear of rejection...but none the less, for the most part I have kept my mouth shut. And well...the thing about not saying anything is that you are never heard! You just suffer silently and become bitter and angry! A few nights ago I had a discussion with God about this...well more like I scribbled in my journal for a good bit and then prayed that God would make sense of it....and for the first time in a long time I felt like God responded (not outwardly but in my spirit). He seemed to take everything I said in with a deep breath and then responded with the question...."why don't you speak up"!.....(by the way why does does always seem to answer with a question)! Now, I would like to say at that point I was straight up honest with God...but the reality is, I tried to shrug off His question with some false humility, acting has if my main concern was drawing attention off of Him and to myself! But the thing about God is....He's God....and He knows us all inside and out...so He saw through my lie and began drawing out the truth...that I care more about the opinion of man than of Him, that I'd rather have fake relationships than no relationships, that my heart is often selfish and self centered instead of others centered and God centered... The thing is I don' t think God asked me that question so that I would go out and stir up all sorts of drama. Instead I think God wanted to give me a good look at my own heart...at my attitudes and motivations...and to use that to understand how much I need Him to lead and direct my life while living inside of me! That does not mean I don't think God is also calling me to be more open and honest with my thoughts and opinions...cause I think He is...but it's only from that place of humbleness that I should speak and ultimately be heard...and the place of complete humbleness is on my knees.

Who do You think You are....

  A few Sunday's ago my Pastor preached from the parable in the Bible about the Unforgiving Debtor.  The story is found in Matthew 18 and it's about this servant who owes a HUGE sum of money to the King.  It's a debt so large that there is no way possible that he would ever be able to pay it back, and yet when called upon to return his debt, he begs the King for mercy and to give him more time to come up with the money.  The king in turn is filled with compassion and lets the servant go, freeing him from his debt. 

  Unfortunately instead of now going off and showing the same kind of love and mercy to those around him, the servant goes and finds another man who owes him a small sum of money and demands to be paid.  Then when the man cannot some up with the money, the servant immediately throws him into prison until he can clear his debt. 

  Well the King hears about this servants actions and as you might have guessed, is pretty angry and ends up changing his mind about the servants debt, throwing him into jail as well until he can pay everything back. 

  Basically it's a story about forgiveness and realizing how much we have been forgiven and thus how willing we should be to forgive others.  I get that...but the day of this preaching, I also got something else.  You see my pastor went on top talk about five steps of forgiveness and his last step was to cancel the debt and let it go, trusting God as judge and redeemer of all.  He went on to make a comment about how this servant was acting like a king...and I couldn't help but think about how much I do the exact same thing.

  While I know that God is suppose to be judge and ruler of all...and while I believe He is the only one in this world who can perfectly assess a situation and make a proper decision about it...I often times just want things my way.  And while it's not like I actually come out and say that....or go out and throw a public tantrum, like a two year old demanding my want until I get it.....I do often  act like a king by expecting things to go my way.

  And I know it's not true, but a lot of time I act like the way I see things is the only right and proper way to see them and thus every one should just fall in line with my way of thinking.  Then when things don't go my way or according to my plan I get angry and start blaming every one else for getting it wrong.  I act like a king shouting "off with their heads"...condeming everyone for not living up to my standard... even though deep down I know I am only a servant.

  I've been thinking about this a lot the last few weeks....and I've been thinking about how by acting this way I've basically been sitting in God's seat, instead of waiting for my invitaion to the head of the table (as proverbs 25 says).  This will only lead to my own humilation... I know this...So I repent and I let go of the reigns of control of the world, asking God to give me the strength to never try to pick them up again.

  And I take this time to admit...I am a servant....a servant of a King who has forgiven me a HUGE debt... a debt that I will never be able to repay.  But unlike the unforgivening debtor in this story, I pray that I would learn to forgive others in the same way I have been forgiven...with an overwhelming love and grace. And in that sense I can act like my King. Amen.

 

Who am I to Expect That?!....

I expect things out of people. I probably would not have admitted that before today, but it's true none the less. I pretty much believe that I should treat people how I want to be treated and in return they should also treat me as I want to be treated. I expect that if I give to them that they should give back to me as well and that when I take their crap they should willingly take mine too. I also expect that people should do things my way and see things as I do. I expect them to give me the benefit of the doubt, even when I don't do the same for them. And I expect them to care about me and the things I care about, even when its not something that interests them. I expect people to be who I think I need them to be, instead of who they are. And then to top it all off...I get hurt and offended when people don't live up to my standards. But one reaccuring theme that God has been speaking into my life for the past year is that it doesn't matter what other people do or don't do. Every person in this world is responsible for their own actions and attitudes and thus even if people never live up to my expectations, it does not matter....I still need.to treat them with love, joy and respect. That is so much easier to talk about than do. It's hard to swallow your pride and shut off that part of you that says "I deserve better"....but I guess that is what it means to take up your cross. It takes understanding the weight of your own sin and how much your own failures have cost. It takes understanding the depth of your own debt...and realizing how far you have fallen from the expectation's of God. And it takes an understanding of the grace and mercy God has shown to you to do it! Some days I get it....maybe not completely but enough so that I can offer that same grace to others. And then there are other days....where what I want matters most to me in this world and mercy and grace are such foriegn concepts that God has to literally beat me over the head with my own sin before I start to see I am just as much of a sinner in need of grace as everyone else...and thus there is no other option but Jesus. I pray that God helps me to get this more and more every day...that I would have a deeper understanding of my sin so that I can have a greater understanding of His grace. And I pray that I learn that the only expectation Ishould place on people is that they will need grace just as much as me.

Who It's all About...

  Sometimes I get lost in the clutter of life...in trying to please and impress people and making a way for myself...that I forget that life is NOT about me!  Then I have moments like last night where I was reminded of the TRUTH...

  I've been fighting off some kind of sickness the last few days and so there I was curled up in bed, just laying there, resting and thinking about life...and praying.  Then out of no where it was like God gently asked me (in that non-audible but deep down in my spirit kinda way) "Who are you living for?".  It wasn't said accusatory or in a demeaning kinda way.  Just a question.....said with care. 

  And what I realised once again is that when I put God in His rightful place in my life and remember that life is about Him and making His name known, all that other stuff....all the clutter of the world...just doesn't seem to matter so much any more!

  I don't have to make my way in this world because God will lead me along His path.  I don't have to make a name for myself because it's God's name that should be glorified.  I don't have to impress people and try to gain their acceptance because I've already been accepted by the most meaningful person in the world...God Himself!

  Now to just keep on remembering that....