When We Need the Catch 22....

    I have never been in war...I've never trained in the army...and to be honest, I haven't even read the book "The Art of War"....BUT  I am certain... without a doubt... that one of the biggest attacks of the enemy is to Divide and conquer. How do I know this?!?!  I see the evidence of it constantly in my spiritual walk.

  Now to be fair, I think some of it comes down to personality.  I am the kind of person who likes to do things on my own.....I like to figure things out for myself and decide what's best for me.  So in those moments when I am struggling or hurting or just down....my first instinct is not to run to people but rather away from them.  I'd rather save face than share my burdens, which clearly does not play into community.

  However I think some of this also comes from the enemy of our souls.  Now, I don't know much about spiritual warfare, but I believe it exists...and I believe the enemy knows if he can get us alone and on our own he can defeat us.  So He plants ideas in our head...thoughts that tell us nobody cares, people don't need us to share our pain with them when they have their own, and that in sharing our struggle we are only proving how desperately screwed up we are.  And we...or maybe just I...believe Him...for a bit anyway.

  But then I have moments...where I share a cup of coffee with a friend...or send out an S.O.S. text for prayers...or even just read verses like "The heartfelt counsel of a friend is as sweet as perfume and incense" and I'm reminded that God created us to be a body....and the body does not work when we don't work together.  And that in working together, in Him, we can not be defeated.

  It all makes so much sense...and yet...I think community will always be one of those catch 22 things for me....something I want, something I need, and yet something so uncomfortable and messy to me that I will always be tempted to pull away. 

 

When You Allow Life to be an Adventure....

  I have spent a lot of time over the past month or so thinking about the will of God and whether or not God has a specific plan for each of our lives that He expects us to figure out  and follow.  It's hard for me to understand how a God who is so specific in how He formed us, where He placed us in the span of history and the details of our being...like the number of hairs on our head and the amount of tears we have cried...would not be as specific in leading us through out our said life!  I often think that I would like nothing more than to slip God a $20 and have Him hand me over a cheat sheet guide to my life.  But...then I realize...His way is so much better!

  After talking to countless amounts of people and reading many books on the topic, I have come to the conclusion that while God may know the ins and outs of our life and what we will do with it....we don't need to.  And while I long for the kind of control that comes from knowing the future and how it will all play out, that kind of life leaves no room for God.  The kind of life God calls us to is a life of faith and of trust....a life that says I don't know what the future holds but I know who holds my future and that is enough for me.  I think it's a life of sacrifice and giving up our desires, wants and have to haves in order to experience something so much better...beyond what we knew existed.  It's saying to God, I'm giving you everything...I've put all my eggs in your basket...I am expecting you to come through...because I know you will!

  I think that's what leads us to a real relationship with God.  I think having that kind of dependence on Him is what it means to actually be His children!  While it probably would be easier to be given some money and a road map and then sent out on our way, God instead invites Himself into our adventure...or rather us into His....and it makes the journey so much more exciting!  I have to wonder if in those moments when we act like the prodigal son, asking for our inheritance in order to take off once we have it....aka demanding God tell us what to do with our lives so we can go off and do it without Him...., if God's not much like the father in that story....heart-broken to see us go, but already planning the party for our return!

  I don't know what the future holds...I can't see how everything will work out and quite honestly I don't know that everything I desire today, I will still want tomorrow.  But what I do know is no matter what comes my way, I want to share the experience sitting on God's lap knowing He's got the steering wheel!

 

When You're Amazed by Love...

"Amazing love, how can it be?  That you, my king. would die for me.  Amazing love, I know it's true.  Its my joy to honor you.  Amazing love how can it be? That you my king would die for me.  Amazing love I know it's true. Its my joy to honor you, In all I do I honor you"

  I believe in the power of the cross.  I believe that Christ came down from heaven, was born of the virgin Mary, lived a perfect sinless life and then gave His life for me and the whole world on the cross, only to rise from the dead three days later and now He resides in heaven at the right hand of the Father.  I believe His choice....His Sacrifice....His Gift....covers me.  And I am grateful!  Yet, there are times when all that belief...all that knowledge...just gets stuck in my head and never really makes it into my heart where it changes me.  And every once in a while I need to be reminded of it.  Today was that day.

  All weekend I've been beating myself up for being such a self-centered jerk....for assuming I know what people are thinking and why they act the way they act and thus responding in not so Godly ways.  I've been mad that while I want to live a life of love...grace..mercy...peace...and forgiveness...I often don't.  I've struggled to see how God could choose someone like me, who clearly can't seem to get my act together on a continual basis.  And  I've wondered if He's as disappointed in me as I am with myself.

  Then this morning I got up late.  I was tired and kind of cranky and still walking in the overly sensitive state that caused me to cry last night for no good reason.  From the moment I got out of bed things just weren't going my way.  I made my coffee too weak....I couldn't find my favorite sweater....my scraper seemed to forget that it's sole purpose for being used is to actually scrape the ice off my windshield...my nephew's friends were parking in my spot...etc.  And by the time I headed out to church the only prayer I could seem to muster up was "God, I need you".

   When I finally got to service I was feeling so distracted.  I struggled through worship drifting between not being able to focus on anything and noticing strange details like how many of the men in our church had gotten haircuts in the past week.  By the time worship ended I was feeling like a pretty bad Christian for being in a worship service doing anything but worshipping God. And so as the sermon began, I once again just began to pray, "God I need you".  The sermon was interesting and I took a lot of notes to try and keep myself engaged in what was being said.  But honestly it wasn't until the last five minutes that I actually felt like I was getting it!

  I don't want to sound all kooky and weird....but it's also kind of hard to explain without sounding a bit like that...cause it was as if, all of a sudden I was reminded of the power of the cross.....and I was overwhelmed!  So often I act like I am an island...I don't need anything or anyone...I am good on my own.  But today...it was like God came down, put His arms around me and said... I've got you... I've covered you... I've chosen you... You are mine... and I love you.  I felt like a child lost in the freedom of knowing my father will take care of me.  In that moment I didn't have to worry about anything....not the the future, not the past, not people, not situations....I was just lost in love.....amazed by my Father.  I left service feeling somehow different....like I was given permission to just... Go...Be...Love.

  I guess in part that is what the cross does.  It reminds you who is God and what He's done.  It also helps you to see yourself for who you really are and to fully grasp what you've been given in Christ.  It shows you a love that is not based on the standards of this world, but rather flows out of the upside-down kingdom of God where the first is last, the last is first, the poor are made rich, the hungry fed, the orphan brought into a family.  It teaches you a new way of life where it's no longer about you and them and us, but about God and doing everything for His glory!

  It's funny how I left my house this morning feeling like such a sinner because the only prayer I seemed to be able to muster up was "God I need you" and now tonight I stand here in the grace that flows out of that simple truth.  I do need God...every moment of every day....and the best part is....He's here!....the Cross is that proof!

 

When You stop Being a Worm and Start Changing into a Butterfly......

  In general, I am the kind of person who won't try something if I think I am going to fail at it.  I tend not to step out into situations where I can't figure out how it will end.  And if you want me to trust you without having proven to me time and time again that you're worthy of that trust, well you can pretty much forget about it!  But lately...God's been challenging me a lot about all of that and I find I'm starting to change....maybe even to grow a little...and...well...it's actually pretty amazing!

   The Bible Says in Romans 12 to be transformed by the renewing of your mind, or as my translation goes on to say  "let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think".  I'm not trying to be all religious, but this verse feels like the perfect explanation for what I am going through.  God is changing the way that I think and thus I am changing!

  It's like I am finally able to see that maybe failure isn't the worse thing that could happen to me, but rather it's the not trying because I am afraid that truly is robbing me...Maybe I'm not suppose to know all the steps to get from point A to point B because the adventure of getting there is the best part of the journey...and Maybe I can choose to trust you not because you've proven yourself but because the Christ in you already has!

  And now I am even starting to find myself wanting to try things I am not good at in order to improve and being willing to make mistakes without thinking they are the end all be all.  Now I am more willing to take a step forward even when it's the only step I can see at the moment.  And now I am even beginning to form relationships with people I never would have imagined wanting to know.

  I know I'm over simplifying this...but maybe that's the point.  Maybe all the things I worry about and stress about, come about because I take the really simple concepts of Loving God and Loving people and turn it into something much more complex. And it's when I allow God to change my thoughts that things become much more simple and I am freed up to live more fully for Him.

When Did we Forget how to Love One Another...

  So I was talking on the phone today to one of my friends who was venting some pretty valid frustrations/hurts she had because of some things people had said to her and about her because she is an same sex relationship.  I tend to shy away from any sort of drama that comes with "Hot Button" issues like this...but sitting there....listening to my friend....hearing the hurt and pain in her voice....I couldn't help but get angry with and for her! When did we forget that people have feelings and that words can hurt?!?!  When did we start caring more about being right then doing right?!?!  When did we become so hurtful and forget how to love?!?!

   I've been thinking a lot about this all day and really contemplating what it looks like to love in situations like this....after all the bible says the greatest commandments are to love God and love others....so what would love do in this situation?!?!  For me...today... love meant allowing a friend to vent....not judging her or trying to make her see where others were coming from...but just sitting there and listening....caring...being there for her.  This wasn't about me.....this was about her...and letting her know that as a person she is completely and fully loved...by me...by others...and most importantly by God!

  And I know there are people who will get mad at me for stressing how much God loves her.  They will point to verses in the bible that speak to God's condemnation of such a lifestyle as hers.  But I have to wonder....if we truly believe that God is God and ruler/judge of all....then why are we trying to take His job and judge the world for ourselves.  God's called us to love...not to condemn!  On top of that the bible also says that while we were still sinners Christ died for us and that this is love not that we loved God but that He loved us!  God so loved the whole world He sent His Son to die for all of us....not just the people who agree with us, or act like us, or look like us, or even believe like us!  Maybe if we spent more time understanding how in desperate need of a savior we are and how blessed we are to be forgiven, we'll stop judging everyone else and learn to have love for one another!  After all aren't people suppose to know we are Christians by our love?!?!

  Just some food for thought....

 

When it's Not Crazy to be Insane...

  So they say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.  By that definition, this past week I was feeling pretty insane.  I kept finding myself in a situation where I would get my hopes up...and then when they are dashed... I was hurt!  I would tell myself time and time again not to care and not to expect things to work out but just to be happy when it did...without being hurt if they didn't.  But sadly....I'm just not wired that way.  And while I am a big girl and know how to feel the pain and move on...disappointment still hurts...every time!

  Then last night I was laying in bed replaying some situations in my mind... winning arguments I failed to win in real life...and basically complaining to God about how I've been wronged....when I started thinking about the verse in Luke that says,"If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back"...and I was convicted!

  It was like I had this brief moment when I realized that this is the kind of life God calls us to....a life of radical love and insane forgiveness that says I will bless those who curse me, pray for those who persecute me!  Jesus showed this insane kind of Love on the cross.  God continues to show it to me day in and day out through His forgiveness.  If this is who my God is and how He loves, shouldn't that also be how I love and live?!?!

  Yeah...pretty convicting!  But also kind of encouraging in that...God's kingdom's upside down but totally right side up kind of way!  You may or may not agree with me...and that's fine, cause to be honest I don't always agree with myself in the moment...  But maybe in being a little insane in comparison to the world, we become a little more like Christ!

When You See the Right in What has Gone Wrong...

  So this morning I had an opportunity to share with my church for orphan Sunday!  Honestly when I first heard about Orphan Sunday I was so excited about it and even (dare I say it) excited to share!  Then I forgot about it until yesterday when I got an email saying I could share today!  My thought process went a little something like this....

  Oh crap...I completely forgot about that.....I thought they forgot about it too....I didn't hear anything back that said I was certainly doing it...I thought I wasn't going to have to....why did I ever say I would share....I don't like to stand up in front on the crowd....I don't even know what to say anymore....but if I don't say something will anyone....is saying something better than saying nothing....could I really let this Sunday go by without standing up for the carlos' and Pablo's of this world....how can I not do something....of course I'll share!

(This all went through my mind in a matter of seconds! The mind is a funny thing, isn't it)!!!

  So anyway, I shared.  And to be honest I don't think I've done that bad of a job of presenting something to my church in a long time!  But....the funny thing was....I didn't really care!  It's not that I don't care for the orphans or want God's heart to shine through me for them...but I realized....it's really not about me anyway!  I could have gotten up there and said the word "Peanut Butter" and if God wanted to He could use that word to touch some one's heart!  It's not about me saying the right words, or being super eloquent or convincing people to stand in the gap for the cause!  It's about God giving His heart to His people through willing vessels!

  I ended my "share" with prayer....which if you know me you know how much I absolutely hate praying in public... it seemed so right though that I'd offer my heart to God in a moment when my words and strength of voice seemed to miss the people.  And I ended up walking away feeling like I did my part and now it's up to God to use it as He will.  To Him Be the Glory  (such a refreshing place to live)! Amen!

When it's Christ in You...

  For the last four years I have had the opportunity to attend the Woman of Faith Conference when it's come to Hartford.  The first year I knew nothing about it but was invited by an old friend I only briefly re-connected with.  I enjoyed myself so much that the second year I invited a small group from my church go.  Then last year I went with a co-workers church and this year I was invited to go as a volunteer for World Vision.  I have to say this was probably my favorite year so far!

  For one, getting to walk around and talk with the different woman attending the conference was such a blessing to me!  I loved connecting with people and hearing a bit of their heart and their story!  Now to be honest, I am NOT...and I mean it, I'm NOT....normally comfortable walking up to random strangers and striking up conversations... even when there's a purpose behind it.  The very idea of it usually makes me want to crawl out of my skin or hide in the corner!  Yet God did something amazing in me this weekend, the same kind of amazing thing He seemed to do when I was in Ecuador this summer.  When it came time to step up, step out and carry out in the commitment I made to serve, God filled me with Himself and turned me from a shy introvert into an outgoing extrovert.  It's so weird to experience....it's almost has if in those moments I can step out of myself and only see God...and I KNOW it's God working in me and through me!  It always amazes me....I am awestruck....this is our GOD!

  Then, to go along with that, I really didn't go into this conference expecting to hear anything that would really resound with me where I am at in my spiritual walk at the moment.  In the past the things I've always seemed to walk away from this conference with were a deeper sense of God's love for me, A feeling of forgiveness, a drawing of my heart to His and a Knock on the door of my heart.  I guess I walked into this weekend thinking I was beyond all that and thus wasn't really expecting much beyound having the opportunity to serve.  Instead I felt like at some point in every message I heard a resounding theme of being chosen bubble up!  I'm not really sure what it all means...there has certainly not been enough time for me to process it all in this afternoon...but I left feeling like God was saying I can't qualify myself, but I was never suppose to....instead God truly does qualify the unqualified.  He continuously chooses to use the foolish and the weak and the confused and the ones that don't have it all together, to make His name known.  Therefore I don't need to worry about all my faults and all the ways I don't feel like I'm good enough, or capable enough, or even smart enough to do what He's called me to.  Just like today when He seemed to change the very nature of my character....God reminded me...it's Christ IN me that is the hope of glory!

  Not bad for a weekend I wasn't expecting much from....if you ask me!

 
 

When You Fear the Thing You Want the Most...

  I think a very big part of me longs for community.  A group of people who like me and get me and can speak to my heart in a way that challenges, corrects and convicts me without making me feel unaccepted, judged and condemned.  And I long to be and do that for other people as well.  It all seems so very right. And Yet... sometimes I wonder if my personality will ever allow to me to experience that.

  It seems lately that my fear of being rejected by people outweighs my desire to know and be known by them.  I'm afraid to be real in sharing myself with people...my thoughts, my opinions, my struggles, my fears...  because I don't want to be rejected by them (even admitting in this post that I fear being rejected makes me nervous because I know people who will judge me for not finding my acceptance in God when I claim to be a christian, and thus reject me).  It's like I think that if I don't live up to some certain standard I'll never make it into the "cool club" and so I have to choose between being who I think I'm suppose to be and thus being accepted, or being who I really am and thus risking rejection.  It's almost easier to just keep people a bay....and yet that's the last thing I want.

  I know the reality is that I should just be who I am and if people like me great and if not then oh well, but it's much harder to walk that out than it is to speak it.  And I know I should just trust God that He made me who I am and I am perfect in His sight, but clearly the world knows I'm not perfect. So how am I suppose to go about building a community when I fear the very risk it takes to build one?

I don't know, maybe I am just tried and over thinking this all.  But am I the only one who ever struggles with this though?

Cause It's Not Always Black and White....

  As a Christian I keep expecting that I am suppose to just know the will of God....not just His desire for the world and all creation, but how I exactly fit into that plan.  Yet the more I pray about it, the more discouraged I become because I don't seem to be finding answers beyond "Love God and Love people".  People keep asking me things like, is God calling you to this, or is this where you sense God is leading you....and honestly I don't KNOW any of that for sure.  All I know is I want to honor God and I don't think it's suppose to be THIS complicated.  So why is it?

  Over the past two weeks we've been talking about decision making and the will of God at church....pretty much the perfect topic  for this moment of time in my life.  Yet the conclusions that I seem to be coming to from our sermons leave me feeling both comforted and discomforted all at the same time. It's like a pressure has been lifted off my shoulder while I feel even more lost in this fish bowl of faith!

  I don't think God wants me to waste time sitting around while I figure this all out.  In fact I think that sort of complacency only pleases the devil....who would like nothing more than for me to sit around to afraid to move until I know everything for sure.  So, for now I step forward....trusting God to work through my willingness and protecting me from my own stupidity.

Cause Sometimes it Helps to Remember...

  I use to write poetry all the time...I use to believe that somehow my words could touch another persons heart.  And then....one day...I stopped.  I'm not really sure why.  It all just sort of became this "silly thing" I didn't want to be known for anymore.  So I packed up my poems and never looked back....until the other day.  

  I've been working on cleaning out a back bedroom at my parents house and the other day I found a box in there full of old journals.  In that box...stuffed to the side and pretty tattered was my book of poems.  I'm in such a different place now then I was when I wrote most of them....but as I read through them I  realised, I miss writing like that....I miss how easily it all use to flow out for me.  Who knows, maybe I'll start writing them again....but for now...enjoy this oldie but goodie....

Quite, alone and in ignorance I stand

Behind all the glamour of wealthier man

Here for a party with nothing to give

Except for the sacrifice of the life I now live

And those all around me are dressed for the King

A white flowing dress and a pure diamond ring

And I in the back in my rags of disgrace

In the shadows I abide feeling so out of place

In walks the Lord in all of His might

Sitting on the the throne with His son on the right

And He looks around the room with love in His eyes

His heart of compassion He does not disguise

And glancing beyond all the piles of man

He points out His finger, stretches out His hand

And He leans into his son with tears as He cries

"Bring me the one whom in the shadow abides"

The Son in obedience stands to His feet

And begins to walk out to the strum of God's beat

He passes by those who are dressed in the purest of white

He's set on his mission, not straying to left or to right

He comes into my world where evil men are all around

He's beaten and scarred, yet still He makes not one sound

He's hung on the cross and for me He does die

While I in my corner can only sit there and cry

Sent from the throne room to here just for me

Paying the debt meant to set this captive free

It's for me He is suffering, He's bearing my sin

But three days later He rises and my soul He does win

And wearing the marks of mails and a pierced side

He walks from His grave and comes to where I hide

And He stands there beside me and holds out His hand

I'm weeping so hard I cannot even stand

Then ever so gently He helps me to my feet

Notifying me I'm the one the King wants to meet

And holding my hand He begins to lead the way

Saying, "You're going to meet the King this very day"

Then all of a sudden my head fills with fear

If I'm going to the King these rags I cannot wear

To a God whose so holy, so good and so true

I can't look like this, what will I do

We are getting closer now, but I can't turn away

For I've waited my whole life for this very day

So I grab the Son's hand even tighter than before

As we come to the throne room, about to pass through the door

And as we enter the throne room I look all around

I see men dressed as angels with their heads to the ground

But these are not men with rich gifts for the King

They're glorious angels and to God they worship and sing

As we comes to His throne I too fall on my face

Oh God I'm not worthy to stand in this place

I think of my rags full of the dirt of my sin

And how He sent Christ for my soul to win

Then ever so slowly I lift up my head

Ready to face the moment I love and yet dread

And that's when I notice my rags have turned white

I look to Christ whose blood has made me clean in God's sight

Then I shift my eyes from Christ to the King

My mouth full of praises to Him I want to sing

And tears fill my eyes and stream down my face

Oh such love, such mercy, such grace.

Cause Sometimes We All Need to Hear it Like it Is...

  This past week was a pretty overwhelming week for me. For one, I over committed myself and had no me time…which for an introvert is pretty much setting yourself up for failure.  And then I had a lot I needed to think through and pray about…which doesn’t really happen  when you’re just moving from one activity to the next to the next.  Plus I do this thing when I’m busy where I stop giving my best to things and just focus on getting  through them… then I get mad because things aren’t turning out as I want, because I’m not giving enough to them…and then I start to feel like I suck at everything.  Before I know it I spiral down into this sense of despair and become depressed…and then I beat myself up even more for feeling that way!  After that I try to cover it all up so nobody will know and think less of me…but then I feel all alone, so I become even more depressed and hopeless…..and the hole just gets deeper and deeper and deeper!  NO BUENO (see my Spanish lessons are starting to rub off on me)!

   Luckily last night I started to climb my way out…thanks to the study some of us are doing at my church on the book “The Battlefield of the Mind” by Joyce Meyers (Side Note:  I’ve known of Joyce Meyers for years but never really paid attention to her because I figured she was just like all those other big time preachers who get wrapped up in making money instead of carrying out God’s message and bringing glory to Him.  Turns out, she actually does have a lot of wisdom….and clearly I miss judged her). 

  Then this morning I was standing in service during worship and it was like God spoke to me these words, “Just so you know, I never called you to be God”.  Now frankly, I’m not really big on the whole “God spoke to me” thing.  I believe God can speak to people…and He can speak to me….but it’s always weird when it happens because it’s not like you can hear his audible voice!  Yet something inside of me (call it the spirit If you want) clearly spoke those words to my heart…and it shocked me.

  To be honest….I act like I’m God a lot.  It’s not like its intentional or anything… I just like to make sure everyone is happy, feels accepted, has everything they need, etc….  So I go out of my way to give… serve …be…. whatever is needed so they can have that.  And just so you don’t think I’m some sort of saint, my motives aren’t always pure…in fact sometimes I do all this for others because a part of me believes that somehow in doing so I’ll receive the same things myself.  So I work my butt off…trying to do everything…be everything…save everyone…control everything…basically be God!  And it’s overwhelming!

  Today in service when I felt like God was speaking  to me, it was like a slap in the face….not a b*tch slap, or an angry mamma slap, but more of a snap-out-of-it kind of slap you’d give someone whose going into shock!  It’s like God was saying, “look I’m God…you’re not.  So stop trying to control everything.  Stop trying to make everything work out and be just right.  Stop trying to make the world spin.  The weight of the world was never meant to be carried on your shoulder and I never asked you to carry it! So stop!”.  And it wasn’t said judgmentally or anything…more in kind of a tough love sense…telling me what I needed to hear whether I wanted to hear it or not! 

  God’s like that…..He knows what I need, when I need it and how I will best be able to receive it in any particular moment or situation!  It’s kind of amazing…okay more than kind of!  Anyway,  I would be lying if I told you now everything is perfect…cause let’s face it life is not a sitcom where everything gets resolved by the end of the show.  But I did some repenting…and venting…and journaling…and honestly, I feel better…like my burden has been lifted or lightened.  Hum…I guess that’s what it’s supposed to feel like when you actually let God be God!

Cause Sometimes Straw Breaks the Camels Back....

  Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you completely over react to one situation because your caught up in a completely different situation?  For example, have you ever been rude to someone who is actually being nice to you because some body else pissed you off?  Or have you ever started crying over a silly little comment said in passing because your already feeling sensitive about another comment that was made by somebody else?!  Yes?....Well then you'll understand how I was feeling this evening.

  Tonight we ordered Chinese food for dinner.  I was excited because I had been craving sweet and sour pork for a while and couldn't wait to dip my pork in that yummy red sauce.  Well when dinner arrived I pulled everything out of our take out bag and guess what was missing?!?  Yep!  You guessed it.  My sweet and sour sauce!  At first I thought, "Well maybe I made a mistake and ordered something different than I thought".  So I asked my dad about it.....nope, not my mistake.  The only mistake that was made was his, when he didn't check the bag and make sure everything was in it before leaving the restaurant.  I wanted to cry!  In fact, tears welled up so strongly behind my eyes that it took everything in my power not to bust out weeping over something as silly as sweet and sour, red sauce.  My father felt horrible!  I felt ridiculous!

  The reality is....I'm not that sensitive about my Chinese food.  In fact on any other night I just would have just used the barbecue sauce my father offered me as an apology (which is normally my favorite condiment for everything!) and been done with it.  But....I was already upset.  I had a disagreement with my sister about a half hour before dinner and I was still pretty annoyed.  I kept replaying my conversation with her over in my head....saying all the things I would have said if I thought quicker on my feet (Isn't it awesome how you never lose an argument when you play it back in your mind after the fact)!  The sauce was just....the straw that broke the camels back!

  Part of my problem is that I've never been very good at expressing my emotions.  I usually keep everything so bottled up that eventually I become a soda can that's been left in the freezer for two long......eventually it explodes (in case you didn't know)!  Clearly I know how unhealthy this kind of behavior is....well....at least I know it in my head...which doesn't really help because then it only makes me feel worse about myself.  I need to get better at telling people how I feel....at being honest with them from the get go.... and not letting things fester.  I need to learn to just be myself and not be afraid of what people will think.  And I need to learn how to handle my own heart with the same amount of care that I use to handle others. 

  Who knew sweet and sour sauce could help a person see so much about themselves!

Cause Sometimes Sharing my Inspiration means Sharing the words of Others...

  This past week I've had a really hard time blogging....I'm not really sure what my problem has been but....I just can't seem to find my words.....and it's annoying.  So instead of blogging... I've done the next best thing......read lots and lots of other people's blogs!  And since there is so much good stuff out there....which kind of makes me a little jealous...I thought, maybe I should share some of it with everyone else!  So taking a cue from some of my favorite bloggers....here's what I've been reading lately....(in no particular order)....

My Favorite Collaborative effort of blogging: The Help Now Haiti Bloggers 

  This past week a group of bloggers (many of whom I already followed) and storytellers went down to Haiti to tell the story of the orphans who live there and the people working with them.  The past few days I have been completely enthralled by their stories.  I've laughed...I've cried...I've prayed....and I've travelled along with these bloggers has they've experienced a world of love.. and loss.. and growth... and struggle... and hope... and hurt... and God.   My hearts been broken open once again with awareness and longing and a belief in God.  You can read more here www.helponenow.org/haiti-bloggers

My Favorite New Find: Ragamuffin Soul

  I'm not sure when exactly but recently someone shared one of Carlos Whittaker's blog posts with me and I've pretty much latched onto it ever since. For me it's the perfect mix of long, short, video, picture, and writings ...with meaning....that I've ever found.  And for my ADD mind it's perfect.  Check Him out at www.ragamuffinsoul.com

My Favorite "This is what I needed hear" blogger of the week: Shawn Smucker

  For some reason I feel like I've been struggling a lot this week and for no good reason.  I feel like God is moving in my heart and in my life....I feel like I am growing and being stretched....I feel like I am in the palm of God's hand (although to be honest it sometimes feels like I'm in a fishbowl which God is holding in the palm of His hand)....but still I struggle....and I become anxious...and at times I stress.  And then I open up Shawn's blog and read posts like "The most Ridiculous Virtue" and 'Pinky Promises and Tethering Trust" and I'm remind...God loves me and I'm not alone!  You can read more of his stuff at shawnsmucker.com

My Favorite "I just need a good laugh" blog: Matthew Paul Turner

  Let's face it...sometimes we Christians just need to laugh...and sometimes we just need to laugh...at ourselves.  Matthew Paul tends to post a lot of things that make me do both.  And while he certainly posts his share of seriousness, I have to admit it's the "No Luke, I am your father" pictures that really get me going.  See what I mean at www.matthewpaulturner.net/blog

My Favorite Wednesday Read: Stuff Christians Like

  I'll be honest....I first started reading Jon Acuff's blog for the humor.  Like Matthew Paul Turner, his posts usually just make me laugh at the silly things we Christians do.  But lately....my favorite day is Wednesday when Jon posts his "Serious Wednesdays".  There's something about the mix of humor, honesty, story telling and god honest truth that draws me in time and time again.  Check out what I mean here: www.jonacuff.com/stuffchristianslike (notice this is a link to the whole blog not just this weeks serious Wednesday because quite honestly the whole thing is worth sharing).

My Favorite "These stories are just as good the 2nd time around blog: America's Next Top Mommy

  Alright, so maybe this is  a shameless plug for an awesome friend, but it's also truth...I love these stories and the God truth's she draws out of her normal every day life!  I am proud to call this woman my friend....I'm grateful that she allows me to tag along and be her partner in crime...and I'm glad that I get the inside scoop of her upcoming blog posts cause it gives me something to look forward too!  Read her words and wisdom at www.americasnexttopmommy@blogspot.com

And Because I found a lot of these blogs by reading Rachel Held Evans blog (www.rachelheldevans.com), you should check her out too!

Who knows maybe I'll share more next week....but for now this should give you all plenty to read...I know it's kept me busy!

Cause it's Time to Climb in His Lap...

  I taught Sunday School today.  I love teaching Sunday school.  I forgot that!  This summer I took time away from teaching my class.  I was heading to Ecuador and thought I needed the time to prepare for the trip by actually being in service all the time....so I asked for time off.  It seemed like the right choice at the time....but today, sitting on the floor surrounded by nine 4 year olds who were pressing themselves in, listening to me ....and in some cases helping me....tell the story of Daniel in the Lion's den, I couldn't help but realized how much I missed this!  Jesus said, "Let the children come to me" and sometimes...in moments like today...I feel like I'm leading them into His presence...teaching them to climb up on His lap....allowing them to be surrounded by the love of the Father.  I know that sounds ridiculously cheesy...but it's true! I wonder if that's how God feels when we as adults choose to come into His presence.  He beckons us....calls us...and draws us to Himself....and when we get lost pressing into Him, listening to His words...I wonder if He's thinking...I LOVE this!  I believe He does....and tonight I'm resting in His arms.

 

Cause Movies Have a Lot to Teach Me...

  So last night I made the unfortunate (....well possibly...) decision to drink an espresso at 9 o'clock at night. And  To be honest, while I love coffee and drink it like it's water pretty much every day of my life.... that was one pretty STRONG espresso and thus I could not fall asleep for hours!  So what's a girl to do on a Friday night when she can't fall asleep and she's not really into the party scene?!?!  Well...enter Netflix...God's gift to people like me, whose friends are all busy and who can't remember to return movies to the Redbox!  I ended up finding a documentary on there (yes, I'm a dork!) called "One Nation Under God", about these 4 college age guys who traveled around the country asking people questions about faith, like....what happens when you die?  How do you get to heaven?  What do you think of Christians?

  It wasn't my favorite movie (although I did go on to watch their second movie of the same concept which takes place in Europe...so I had to have liked something about it)....yet there were two things that really stuck out to me from it.  One...when they asked non-Christians what they thought of Christians the general consensus was that Christians are judgemental and hypocritical.  And Two...when they asked Christians what it meant to be a Christian the most common answers were...to believe in God...to be a good person...and to live out God's calling on your life.  This makes me SAD....very, very S-A-D!

  For one thing, what the non-Christians were saying about Christians is pretty true...we are judgemental AND hypocritical...and it's bad!  But I don't necessarily think that this is a "Christian" problem as much as a "Human" problem....at least when it comes to being judgemental.  EVERYONE is judgemental.....we all view life through our own experiences, ideas, and beliefs and when people don't line up with what we think, we judge.  That's why there's so much peer pressure in the world....we all are trying to "fit" into each others viewpoint of life in order to feel accepted.  It happens whether your a Christian or not!  But I think where we Christians go wrong is we act so freakin perfect....like we have all the answers, never do anything wrong, and have the corner on the market of holiness!  What a load of crap!!  Jesus Himself said it's the sick who need a doctor not the well...so if the church is claiming to be well, have we stopped clinging to Jesus?!?!  What is even worse though, is that after putting on our acts of perfection, we condemn others for not living up to the standard that we ourselves struggle to keep!  No wonder we are called Hypocrites! 

  And then I think about what the Christians in this movie were saying about what it means to be a Christian....that it's to believe in God, be a good person, and live out God's calling on your life....and while it all sounds so "nice", I feel like we are missing the truth.  When I was 14 I said the sinners prayer and believed in God....but you know what?!?!  It had no real impact on my life!  I was just like the demons who believe in God but don't serve Him!  And while being a good person is a great ideal....that doesn't make you anymore of a Christian than going to church every Sunday would!  I know lots of people who are REALLY GREAT people.....they are self-less and giving...and you know what?!?!  They aren't Christians!  And finally, this whole concept of  waiting on God's calling for your life and then going to live it out, just annoys me because....He's ALREADY told us what to do in His WORD!  Open your Bible and you will see time and time again God saying things like "Go and make disciples", "Love your neighbor as yourself", "Feed the Hungry", "Visit the Orphan", etc!  We could spend our whole lives living out all He's already called us to live out in those words and never run out of things to do!  And I know we all have different gifts, abilities, influences, etc....and thus these things may look different lived out in each of our lives...but figuring out your HOW should not be your excuse not to DO, now!

  And I know I am going full throttle here.....laying it all on the table...and punching you in the gut....but take heart because I'm speaking to myself here too!  It would be so easy to just point my finger at everyone else...even the church (which by God's help I'm learning to truly love)...but that would make me even more of a hypocrite...and the reality is ...I can really only point my finger at myself!  I am not perfect....and in trying to figure out my HOW of living out this Christian life, I often make mistakes, hurt people, disgrace my faith,  and end up finding myself in need of repentance.   I don't have my act together...BUT I love Jesus with every fiber of my being...and in turn that means I must LOVE the world!  Isn't that what Jesus said...."They will know you are my disciples by your LOVE for one another"?!?!  Sometimes I make judgements, sometimes I act hypocritical, sometimes I get lost in just being good and putting on a good Christian show....but that is not what i want to be KNOWN for!  I want to be known by LOVE....by the LOVE of God for me....by my LOVE for Him...and for how I LOVE the world!  And movies like this one remind me once again of that fact! Thank God and AMEN!

Cause We all Have Blackwidow Moments...

  When I was a little girl, every summer we would take a trip as a family up to this local amusement park.  We would start off the day on the music express, then make our way over to the sea horse, and then when the big kids (keep in mind I am ten years younger then my youngest older sister) went on "big kid rides", I would venture over to the Thunderbolt with one of my parents.  I loved that roller coaster....fast...a little rickety...and with a first drop that, as a kid, made me feel like I was eating my stomach.  But as I got older the thunderbolt became less and less exciting to me and eventually I set my eyes on a new ride... the Blackwidow! 

   The Blackwidow was a Big Kid roller coaster ride that went forward and backward, while also flipping you upside down in a loop!  I couldn't wait to be tall enough to get on that ride!!!  And finally the day came when I was able to get on it!  I remember getting in line with one of my sister...and being so excited... right up until we got to the front of the line....then... I almost crapped my pants!  What was I thinking??!?!  This ride was SCARY!!!  I wanted to get out of line immediately...I wanted to use the chicken exit...I wanted to fake sick so we could all just go home!  But I was a BIG KID now... and so I knew I had to get on!   So... I did.  I climbed into my seat, got my safety harness on, and then... proceeded to S-C-R-E-A-M my head off for the entire ride...forward and backward!!!  You would have thought I hated it!  I didn't though!!  In fact...the second I got off I wanted to do it again...and again...and again...cause it was AWESOME!

  Sometimes I think my steps of faith are just like that ride!  God gives me an opportunity to serve and at first I am so excited about it....but then as it gets closer and I freak out thinking...never mind...just kidding God...I don't really want this!  But deep down I know I do want it...I want to step out in God...I want to put my full trust in Him...I want Him to have His way in me!  So I go for it...and I do it!  And in the end it always turns out awesome....and I find myself wanting to do it again and again!  It's that Blackwidow moment all over again!

  Even as I look back on this past week, I can't help but chuckle as I think...Yep...there they are... blackwidow moments !  For example, every other Tuesday I go to a prayer meeting at my church.  When I left work a month ago I very clearly felt like God was saying that this was a time for me to "Seek and Serve" Him.  So a prayer meeting seemed like a perfect fit! I've gone a few times now though, and I always run into the same conundrum....it's awkward and uncomfortable and....well, they kind of expect you to pray out loud...which is SO SCARY for me!  So what happens is every Tuesday, I'll go back and forth in my mind about whether or not to go....wanting to chicken out, but knowing I have to at least try.  So, I go...and I pray...and I leave thinking THIS is what it's like to be the body of Christ...to stand together...united in Him!  And I find myself Glad I went and excited to come back next time! I've had a Blackwidow moment!

  Or there's also Wednesdays afternoons, where each week my friend Alicia and I go and volunteer our time at the food pantry.  If you hear me talk about it I usually say that Wednesday is my favorite day of the week, just cause we go there!  I love it so!  I love getting to help out and serve the families.  I love that we have new customers every week and I get to interact with that many more new people that I would never have known other wise.  And I LOVE the people we work with, each of whom have their own story and personality which force me to learn and grow!  There are honestly very few things that would keep me from going..I enjoy it so much!  But....if I were honest....every Wednesday morning when I wake up... I have a moment... when I want to chicken out....call out sick... and not go!  It's much easier to sit at home and not come face to face with the poor and the hungry and those who just need someone to call them friend.  It's much more comfortable to not have the face of a 3 year old, bushy haired girl in your mind when you hear the word hungry, just cause you spent your day at the food pantry.  But I make the choice and I go....and once again I LOVE it!  Another Blackwidow moment!

   Or there's moments like this morning when I had to sit down with a friend and tell her she hurt me.  I HATE conflict....H-A-T-E it!  99.9% of the time I would much rather just take the hit...allow people to verbally slap me in the face...and then walk off, never to be their friend again... than to risk a confrontation by sharing my true feelings.  But God's been growing me and teaching me a lot about living a life "in the light".....so with everything within me screaming, "this is a BAD IDEA" and "ABORT!  ABORT!"...I went to her and talked it out.  It was uncomfortable and anything but easy....in fact we both shared apologies and tears....but in the end, I walked away feeling like things had been made right...maybe even better!  A Blackwidow moment!

  So I guess what I am saying in this is that we all have things in our lives.....things that we feel both excited for and afraid of, all at the same time....things where we know God is calling us to step out, but it requires wading in the uncomfortable for a bit....things that allow us to be a blessing, but also haunt us enough to keep us from living in the status quo.  These are Blackwidow moments....and while the ride may make you scream from beginning to end....if you get on, you'll find..in the end....it's so worth it!  So get in line people....and ride the roller coaster!

Cause Wants and Needs are Two Different Things...

Non-Physical things I desire in life...

*Comfort
*Security/Stability
*Acceptance/Approval
*Understanding
*Control
*Knowing what I am doing
*Doing what I am good at

What I've experienced in the past month since stepping out in God and leaving my job...

*Being kicked out of my comfort zone continually
*Waking up to something new every morning
*Having people look at me strange and not understand my choice or life
*Knowing God's up to something but not knowing what it is
*Feeling out of control
*Having no clue where this is all leading
*Having to try new things

It's funny.....I seem to have the exact opposite of everything I desire and YET...
I feel more ALIVE than ever before! 

Cause He is the Potter and I am the Clay...

  Most people my age hate hymns.  I love them.....L-O-V-E them!  There's just such depth and meaning behind their words.  It's so different from the Christian music we have today...not that I don't like what we have now...but Hymns...Hymns are just different.

  In my house we have this book of hymns that tells the stories behind the lyrics.  Sometimes I like to curl up with a warm blanket, a hot cup of coffee, and this book...and just read the stories.  It usually it doesn't take long before I find I am completely engrossed!  These stories are amazing!  The faith of these people....their hearts....it's just all so inspiring!

  This afternoon, it was raining, and so I took the opportunity to sit down to do just that....and as I read some of the stories, I came across the hymn "Have Thine Own Way, Lord" by Adelaide Pollard. I've always liked this hymn...it's one of the ones that I can recall to my memory after hearing just a few notes. But for those of you who don't recognize it by title, here are the lyrics...

"Have thine own way, Lord!  Have thine own way!

Thou art the potter; I am the clay.

Mold me and make me after thy will.

While I am waiting, yielded and still"

"Have thine own way, Lord!  Have thing own way!

Search me and try me, Master, today!

Whiter than snow Lord, wash me just now,

As in thy presence humbly I bow"

"Have thine own way, Lord!  Have thine own way!

Wounded and weary, help me, I pray!

Power, all power, surely is thine!

Touch me and heal me, Savior Divine!"

"Have Thine own way Lord!  Have thine own way!

Hold o'er my being absolute sway!

Fill with thy spirit till all shall see,

Christ only, always, living in me!  

  I Love that last line...Have your way....have absolute sway...fill me, till all see, Christ only, living in me! That's the cry of my heart!  Yet, what I didn't know until this afternoon was that this hymn was written at a time when Adelaide was longing and waiting to go on the missions field.  She was trying to make it to Africa, but the money just wasn't coming in and she just couldn't understand why God would burden her so much for these people, but not make it possible for her to go.  It was during that time that she heard an elderly woman pray, "Lord, it doesn't matter what you bring into our lives, just have your way with us" and she wrote these lyrics.  I cannot tell you how much I can relate to her story....different country....different circumstances....but I so get the cry of her heart ....wondering why God would burden her and not make a way for her to go!

  The past week or so....things have been rough.  I can't really put my finger on it...but I'm struggling.  I guess it's cause I feel drawn to another life ...one that I don't have YET.  It's like God's placed all these desires on my heart and called me to prepare....but the time to "Go" isn't yet....and I'm growing antsy. (Antsy in a month...yep, that's the perfect example of my own temperament)!  I hate sitting around W-A-I-T-I-N-G!  I long for something more....NOW!  But I KNOW....I mean, I K-N-O-W...that this time is important.  God's doing something in this........He's changing me....chipping things away...double checking the foundation...molding me....creating something more... deep within.  Therefore I will not stifle his work by demanding my own way! I will not rush the process. Instead....like Adelaide Pollard...I will say, "Have thine own way, Lord.  Have thine own way!"