So I had sort of an epiphany this morning. You see, last night I watched a few episodes of “I used to be fat” and one of “heavy”. I really like those shows because I can relate the characters on them so well. I was the girl who showed up at summer camp with size 16 pants and the girl who wore size 24 before I was even that age! I know what it’s like to live life as a fat girl. I also know what it’s like to be the girl who lost half her weight….to be able to walk into any store and leave with whatever I want… or to be working out and actually feel like I belong at the gym with all the other fit people. The thing is…through out my whole weight loss journey I’ve always had one fear….basically the fear I have in everything….the fear of failing.
Gaining back weight after losing so much of it has made me feel like a failure for so long. Yet I determined that as of January 1st I wasn’t going to give into that mentality anymore..and for the most part I haven’t. This morning though, it dawned on me that although I don’t allow myself to think of myself as a failure, I still have some work to do when it comes to my mentality. You see, lately I’ve been struggling a lot with actually working out and especially with eating healthy…and I don’t really know why. I want to change and be the person I know I can be….but I also know exactly how much work it’s going to take and how hard I am going to push…and I guess I am scared! What if I can’t do it? What if I can but it only brings me back to square one (I’ve lost the weight before only to gain it back)? What if physically I can’t do what I want? What if…What if…What if….that seems to be the theme question in so much of my life!
Anyway, the thing is…I am right, it is going to take a lot of hard work and effort on my part to get where I want to be. And honestly at times it might really suck to push myself and find that I can’t do everything I want to. But I can do more than I use to be able to… and I have to remember that someday I will be able to do even more than I can now …and for that reason I need to keep pushing forward. Instead of stopping dead in my tracks… being afraid of what I can’t do, I need to learn to trust in what I can…and build from there. Instead of letting the little voice inside my head tell me that I will never make it….I need to remember that I have and I will (I’ve done it before and I can do it again). Basically it’s time to not only stop thinking about myself as a failure but also to start seeing all of my successes!