Thursday, October 29, 2009

Wade in the Water...

Hey there!

So the last few days I have been thinking a lot about trust and how and why it’s such a difficult thing for me. Anyone who knows me on the surface level will tell you I’m this perky, happy-go-lucky, easy going, optimistic person. However…the few people in this world who REALLY know me…know the truth. I am a huge pessimist. I assume the worse in almost all situations and I expect things to fall apart. I know people will hurt me and I know I will disappoint them. And it’s really really really difficult to change that kind of of thinking…and move past it....but I’m determined to try.

Step one is to not allow my fears that I’m setting myself up to be embarrassed and rejected keep me back from forming new relationships with people who seem to be genuinely interested in getting to know me. Tomorrow morning I am suppose to go out clothes shopping with my co-worker/manager. At work we get along really well, but I will admit that at times I wonder if it’s really that we are getting along so well or that I’m na├»ve enough to think that someone five years older than me would really want to be my friend. In my mind I can create this whole horrible scenario where I invasion us going out shopping only for her to spring some kind of crash announcement or something on me that will totally make me see that I’ve been set up and that she doesn’t really care about me, which leads me to being completely embarrassed and eventually makes work suck so much that I am forced to quit. I know… I know…that’s most likely not going to happen, but these are the things my mind jumps to. So stepping out and going out is a HUGE step for me.

People talk all the time about how my only friends seem to be my family. The reality is…my family isn’t even let in all the way. I lead a very sheltered life. No I don’t mean that I haven’t experienced a lot in life…because I have. In fact because I’ve experienced so much I’ve become sort of an island….out in the ocean all alone. Sometimes I will swim out to see and enjoy the waves with others….and sometimes I might even head to land and face being an outsider. Hopefully someday I will get to the point where inviting people back to my land won’t be such a scary thing. Until then….it’s baby steps.

So yeah…not a very weight loss/ health oriented post…but one thing I’ve promised myself is that I wasn’t just want to go after physical health…I want to a be healthy and whole all around…and that includes mentally and emotionally. That means at times….these are the things I must address… and you all (my cyber friends) get to watch me tred the water. Interesting right?!?! Hee hee.

Night all.


Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Red lights...and flat tires...

Hey there!

Okay so day two of two a days didn’t go so well…in fact it didn’t go at all…but I am okay with that since I didn’t get to sleep last night until well after midnight and… well part of health is getting enough sleep. However I did stick to my guns and worked out tonight even though I would have much rather sat on the couch and watched the second half of Biggest Loser (although I did tape it and will get to watch it sometime between now and Friday). So basically my hour long workout consisted of a 25 minute video and 30 minutes of running for a grand total of 658 calories burned and a daily calorie deficit of 1243!!!

Anyway, today at lunch I was reading an article in health magazine and it had the greatest analogy ever…and so I just have to share it. However to preference this story, you must understand that I am completely the person who when I mess up on my diet my normal reaction is to say “Oh well I already screwed up I’m might as well throw in the towel today and start again tomorrow”. Now I’m a big fan of Jillian Michaels and I’ve heard her say before to think of your diet like a car and your binge as getting a flat tire. You wouldn’t get out and slash the other three tired just cause the one got popped so don’t allow your one bad choice to derail you completely (well…that’s the condensed version…and I certain don’t explain it as well as her). Well in this article I was reading today this woman was sharing how she too falls into the trap of “well I’ve screwed up, so why stop now” and this psychologist responded by saying…”If you ran a red light and got a ticket, would you say I’m such a terrible person I might as well run lights for the rest of the day”! And I couldn’t help but laugh out loud in one of those “wow how true is that” kind of ways upon reading that! The reality is it would be ridiculous to keep running red lights…just like it’s ridiculous to throw in the towel for making one bad decision in my day.

So here’s to not running red lights…and not slashing tires...hee hee.


Monday, October 26, 2009

Knowing what you want is half the battle...

Hey there!

So today was day one of two a day work outs and I have to admit…getting up was tough. In fact when my alarm went off I seriously sat in bed for an extra 25 minutes debating back and forth with myself about whether or not I should get up and work out or not. Luckily a friend of mine struck up a deal with me that we would both get up and work out this morning (even though we don’t live close to each other)…so knowing I was also accountable to her as well kept me from falling back to sleep. Plus I eventually realized how ridiculous it was to be laying in bed…not sleeping…and yet still not getting up. So I got up…and workout (even though I only had 30 minutes left to do so after all my debating).

Then tonight after work I worked out again. I started off with my normal circuit workout video routine and then I tried something new. Now...don’t laugh…. But I decided to try out something called “Cardioke” which is put out by Billy Banks Jr (The son of the tae bo guy.....there's a picture of the cover to the left). Basically it’s cardio dance moves and singing…and well anyone who knows me knows I don’t have any rhythm (therefore don’t dance) and I can’t carry a tune (thus don’t sing)….and so to say this was a stretch for me is putting it lightly. However…to be completely honest…it was really fun! And I burned more calories in 20 minutes of that then I did in either video I did today! So “cardioke”…check it out…it gets my two thumbs up!

On a different note…last night I created a of reasons why I wanted to lose weight (To go along with the list of all the things I want…which are both posted on the wall right next to my bed so I can read them the moment I get up). Here are the things I came up with:

*I’ll look better
*I’ll be more attractive
*I’ll have more confidence
*I’ll feel better about myself
*I’ll be able to wear a smaller size
*I’ll feel happier when I look in the mirror
*I’ll enjoy trying on clothes
*I’ll feel okay wearing a swimsuit
*I won’t feel so self conscious
*I’ll get more compliments
*I’ll feel better physically
*I’ll have more energy
*I’ll have more stamina
*I’ll feel more optimistic
*I’ll make a better impression on people
*I’ll be less inhibited by my body
*I’ll be open to physical contact
*I’ll like myself better
*I’ll be less self critical
*I’ll do more things in public
*I’ll put myself out there more
*I’ll take risks
*I’ll be happier
*I’ll be more comfortable around members of the opposite sex
*I’ll be more comfortable in crowds
*I’ll be less self-conscious at work
*I’ll be more comfortable eating in front of others
*I’ll be more apt to go after my dreams
*I’ll be more open to relationships
*I’ll be willing to face more of my fears
*I’ll do more things I never thought I could/would do
*I’ll feel more beautiful
*I’ll be more athletic
*I’ll be able to compete
*I’ll be healthier.

I think reading this every morning and keeping these lists in my mind throughout the day really will help me to stay on track when I really want to indulge (like when I stayed away from the chocolate peanut butter cake in the break room at work today). There is nothing like knowing what you want to help you know what steps you need to take to get there.


Sunday, October 25, 2009

Why's and Why nots....

Hey There!

So today was one busy day! I woke up, made breakfast, gave both my nieces a bath and got them ready for the day, got myself ready, went to the pumpkin patch with the family, came home and changed for a party, dropped the girls off at the babysitters, went to an anniversary party, picked up the girls, came home, went grocery shopping, put everything away, made my sister and I a snack…and now I can relax. If you had asked me about an hour ago if I was tired I would have told you exhausted….and yet now…not so much. Why is that?!?!

Here’s another “Why is that” for you?!?! Why is it that I can go through an entire day staying on track with my diet (even at the party I munched on salad and stayed away from the over buttered crap) and then late at night when I’m almost ready for bed, I give in and eat well over my calorie allowance?!?! Seems so stupid! Yet this is what I do when I am exhausted….give in to what’s easy instead of what’s best.

Anyway, we are getting into crunch time now….my co-worker and I are going out clothes shopping on Friday morning…and I really want to be feeling a little more comfortable with my body before doing so. So my plan is to pull two-a-days all week. Now to be honest I am the queen of saying I’m going to get up in the morning to work out and yet instead sleep in and miss the opportunity. However I’m hoping taking a cue from the first female winner of Biggest Loser will help me out. I recently read about the new book by Ali Vincent (Pictured right) is coming out in early November and in that article it talked about how every day on the ranch Ali would wake up and ring a bell while she repeated her mantra (“Believe it. Be it”) to herself). Obviously I am not her so my motivation has to be a little different…so what I’ve decided to do is paste a copy of my “I want” list on the wall next to my bed and let that be the first thing I read when I get up in the morning. What better way to get myself out of bed than to remind myself of everything I want.

I’ll let you know how it goes.


Friday, October 23, 2009

Dream a little Dream...

Hey Friends!

Sorry that I didn’t get time to write last night. My sister and I were in desperate need of some bonding time and that gave me just enough time to eat dinner and work out before we settled in for the night. Anyway, my workout the past two nights went pretty well. Last night I was in a hurry so I only got in a 55 minute workout, but I did burn 644 calories and ended the day with a calorie deficit for 831 calories. Then today, even though I was tired and did not want to work out, I did and in an hour and 5 minutes I burned 777 calories, leaving me with a calorie deficit today of 1312 (Cals in 1590/cals out 2920).

So last night I continued to take a look down the road of motivation and decided to continue working on my list of all the things I want in life. Turns out…a large portion of my list has little to do with fitness, which leads me to believe that I am right in thinking that my failure in my original weight loss journey was not addressing the internal work as intensely as the physical. I once heard it said that you can be a dysfunctional skinny person…and in a lot of ways I still believe that. I lost 130lbs being my dysfunctional self...and that needed to happen. But it’s the internal work….the vulnerability and fears that I didn’t address on the way to losing all that weight that impart lead me to putting back on 45lbs (thankfully now I’m on the road to losing again and can actually say that number is now 40lbs..Well a little less but we’ll just play devil’s advocate for now).

Anyway, they say that people who write down their goals are that much more likely to reach them….and I’m choosing to believe that sharing those goals only lead you to working that much harder to reach them. So here are the beginning stages of my list of things I want in life:

*I want to reach my goal weight of 160lbs
*I want to fit into my size 8 jeans
*I want to feel comfortable in my own skin
*I want to feel beautiful
*I want to get married and have kids
*I want to feel like I am good enough
*I want to be/feel loved
*I want to matter
*I want to make a difference in this world
*I want to be an athlete and compete in any competition I can
*I want to have friends who I feel I can trust and who trust me
*I want to be myself and be secure in that no matter who I am with
*I want to be a good example to the people in my life
*I want to stop letting people take advantage of me
*I want to stop worrying so much
*I want to feel like my family accepts me for who I am not what I do
*I want to be truly happy
*I want my spiritual, physical, mental and emotional life all working together perfectly at the same time

…yeah…so that’s what I have so far. I recently read an article written by Jillian Michaels (pictured at left) where she talked about motivation and how the best way to stay motivated is to identify, define and connect to your dreams because “Your dreams are your eternal motivation. They inspire us to your greatest heights, comfort us through hard times, and bring about the realization of our destiny. They are the first steps towards happiness and success”. So here’s to dreaming….again!


Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Everything is Numb3rs...

Hey There! Everybody Ready for a math lesson?!?! Don’t worry it won’t be hard! I actually don’t mind math too much…it very black and white with right and wrong answers, just the way I like things. Plus I was thinking this morning about how 1lb is 3500 calories, so it would probably be a good thing to know the math behind what numbers I’m seeing on the scale and the numbers I want to see. So let’s go…

Alright, so as it’s been explained to me your basil Metabolic Rate (aka BMR) is the amount of calories you body burns just to live…like to have your hair grow and to breath and what not. To figure out your BMR you add…

655 + (4.35 x your weight in lbs) + (4.7 x your height in inches) – (4.7 x your age)

So using that formula my BMR is 1770. Now I also work and my job is in retail so in order to figure out how many calories I burn during a working day I multiply my BMR by 1.2 to create my Active Metabolic Rate. For me that means on days I work I burn up to 2125 calories (give or take 100 calories for body mass, etc).

Knowing that information I have decided that each day at the end of my posts I will list my calculated AMR plus my calories burned while working out and then my calories consumed to come up with my calorie deficit for the day. SO here we go for today…

AMR: 1770
Workout: 970
Calorie Intake: 1220
Calorie Deficit: 1875

Night All.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Motivation to stop beating myself up!

I’ve been thinking a lot today about motivation…and the certain circumstances that have happened to me in the past few months that should serve as enough motivation to keep me on track…and yet haven’t. Situations like a customer at work asking me “When’s your baby due?” or my boss telling my co-worker I’m looking “porky”. You would think that moments like this would make me not only want to lose weight but also would keep me on the straight and narrow path in order to do so. Instead I find situations like this only serve as another thing to beat myself up with when I don’t do the things I know I should be. Like when I am so hungry and feel like I’m starving to death and yet I’ve eaten 1500 calories which is well over the 1350 I use to be satisfied with. Or When I know the best way to lose weight is through diet AND exercise and yet I’m dragging through workouts or skipping them. It’s situations like this that make me depressed and think…what the HELL is wrong with me! I have all the information I need. I know exactly what I need to do to lose weight…and YET I don’t CONSISTENTLY do it!


Honestly…the only thing I can seem to come up with is that…..yeah when I lose the weight I will feel better about my looks….BUT… I will still be ME. I’ll still be the girl who is awkward around new people and members of the opposite sex. I’ll still be the girl who gets walked over because I will do almost anything to make the people around me happy. I’ll still be the girl who just wants to be accepted and is scared to be rejected. This weight…it holds me back from being confident, stepping out in new things, and believing in myself. BUT I need to realize that losing weight isn’t going to be my life savior. I mean yeah it will help me live longer….but it isn’t a magic pill to change all the stuff I dislike about myself. I need to work on the inside too so that when I lose the weight again I won’t gain it back by emotionally eating and what not. Now the question remains….how do I go about this? Therapy? Journaling? With friends? All of the above?.............I’ll keep you posted..hee hee.


Monday, October 19, 2009

Creating a lasting plan for change...


So weigh in day is just a few days away (Wednesday) and I gotta say I have a bit of mixed emotions about it. On the one hand I am the queen of sneaking a peek at the scale throughout the week and so the fact that I have an idea that I’ve lost about 2lbs this week completely excites me. But on the other hand it feels like 2lbs a week isn’t enough for all the effort I put in (which really it is, but I’m use to dropping like 4-6lbs a week so 2lbs seems so little). I guess I should just be happy though… I mean I am losing weight even though in a lot of ways I am finding myself resenting the whole process of counting calories and working out and what not. Plus I’m working out on top of working 8 hour days and taking care of two little kids. This is real life…I deserve to be proud!

Anyway I’m trying to come up with some ways to keep my weight loss journey exciting, fresh and new. Here’s some ideas I’ve come up with…

*Constantly change up your work outs up

*Train for an event

*Try new foods

*learn to cook different meals

*bring a friend along on the journey

*Track your progress

*Shoot for a goal

And here is how I am trying to accomplish those things….

*I rotate my work out videos so that I do each one once a week. However I do run on the treadmill every night (well except for rest days)

*I’m training for the thanksgiving day road race, which since I’m running that with people who assume I’m the pro-runner I feel like I really need to work hard to do good at this (no pressure right)

*It’s hard to try new food cause I don’t do a lot of cooking with my work schedule, but on the nights I do cook it’s all about trying to be healthy and open to different things (if only my other family members were excited about this too…hee hee)

*Most people look up to me for answers on weight loss so staying on track should be easy just cause I don’t want to disappoint people…however I also enjoy knowing that my other co-workers and some friends are trying to get back on track together so we can all help each other and not feel so alone

*I started a new weight loss journal when I track everything from my feelings to food to workout info….plus I get to share some of that stuff on here

* My number one goal is to finally hit my goal weight of 160….but my current goal is 10lbs….we’ll see how close I am to that on way in day!

So it seems I have some sort of a start in terms of getting on track. I have taken steps in the right direction and I am setting the ground work for long term change. This makes me happy.


Friday, October 16, 2009

sometimes I need to scream....

I am a very family oriented person. In fact I have given up a lot for my family. When my BIL passed away I gave away my freedom and moved in with my sister to help her raise her kids. When I got a promotion at work I gave up school so that I could still help around the house. When my niece won’t sleep at night I give up my sleep to take care of her at night. And yet I live among a family who lives in a constant state of “nobody does anything for me” and thus nothing I do is ever good enough.

All day my sister has been super condescending to me. I’m about to start cleaning and she says “Oh well I Need you to go down stairs to bring up the windows that dad’s going to put in…and we have to clean them…but I have to work (which mind you she gives the girls baths while she’s “at work” and goes out to dinner while she’s “at work”) so you have to clean them!” (no asking…just telling). I clean the kitchen and she says “WOW she’s actually cleaning”. I finish both bathrooms she say’s “It’s about time…now you just have to do this every time you have a day off”. I order a calzone for dinner and she says “Are you sure? I don’t know…it’s a lot of carbs”!

But my number one favorite comment of the days from her (and I am totally being sarcastic here) is when we actually have this full out argument (with me crying because no matter what I say I am always wrong and she’s right)…an argument during which she tells me I have no common sense and I don’t do enough for her (which apparently is cause I didn’t clean the bathroom last week after she asked and because I don’t do anything after I come home from work…which just pisses me off cause she doesn’t do anything in the morning before I go to work) and then my nephew comes up to stop it (cause we happen to leave the baby monitor on and my parents, nieces and him were down stairs listening) she says “Well jess is just a really emotional person and takes everything personally, so I hate talking to her about anything”. And then she walks into the other room with him and starts complaining about me (which my nephew being the awesome person that he is just told her to stop because he didn’t want to hear it).

It just frustrates me because I never have good comebacks in the moment but then later after I think about it I do. For example…my sister telling me I have no common sense so of course she has to treat me like a two year old and tell me what to do. I want to be like…uh hello…common sense would tell you that when your baby is crying in the middle of the night and you can hear me in the monitor begging her to stop so I can sleep, that a good mom would come up and get her kid…not wait until I have to come ask you to take care of your child. Then to complain about how I do nothing when I get home…Hello, she gets up in the morning, takes a shower and works while I get up, get the girls up, make everyone breakfast, and get the baby ready all before I get ready for work…and she does nothing. Just because I go to work for eight hours while she’s home doesn’t mean that when I get home I should have to take over again (especially since she made the decision to stay home when originally it was suppose to be me who stayed home with the kids while she worked and she was the one who decided to change that).

I am just so upset with her right now. I don’t even want to talk to her. I even told her that I was going to start paying her $100 a week so that I am paying her rent and she can stop complaining that I don’t do enough for her considering she “Lets” me stay here (which is another thing that pisses me off because I could just as easily live with my parents, not pay rent, and have my own life back…and easier life…but I stick it out to help her out). What makes it worse is of course I am wrong in her eyes and she tells EVERYONE how she feels so of course people only hear her side and thinking I’m this big bad person for not helping her out more (I’m sorry you lost your husband…but hello I’m the ONLY one constantly here….you think that would count for something). Anyway… sorry I needed to vent….off to bed.


Wednesday, October 14, 2009



So I am reading this book called “Ruby’s Diary” about a lady who has a TV show on style network all about her massive weight loss journey. As you can probably tell I’ve never actually watched the show and really don’t know much about it or this woman…but from what I’ve read I really like her! Here’s a woman who is changing her life and inspiring millions of people along the way! That’s something I truly desire to do with my life…even though half the time I feel like I have no real outlet to really impact the amounts of people I would love to touch.

Anyway, in the chapter that I finished reading last night Ruby has this list of all the things that she wants in life….which got me thinking…what do I want? Honestly I’ve made a list like this before….a list where I just put it out there….everything I want….BUT I think even in my honesty, I forgot something. What I want more than anything in life is…. to feel beautiful. I don’t think I’ve ever truly felt beautiful. I’m not the most attractive person in the world (no matter what my weight) and although in part I do believe beauty come from the inside…I just wish I could be one of those “I have to take a double look because that girl is gorgeous” girls. The question is….if the point of making a list like this is to give yourself the motivation you need to figure out what steps to take it have them….then what steps do I need to take to be able to see the beauty I am?!?! Things to ponder…things to ponder…hee hee.


Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Life is a journey...


So remember how yesterday I was telling you how two of my managers and a co-worker of mine are now going to run the Manchester Road Race together?!?! Well today at work I found out that my manager has recruited another one of our coworkers to run with us as well! So we’ve all decided that we are going to make shirts and come up with a fun team name…and maybe even raise a little money for a charity for the race! I’m so excited and I kind of feel like in a way I’ve inspired my co-workers to run…and that make me feel so happy/blessed (I mean that’s what it’s all about right…paying it forward!)!

Anyway since today was day two of training, it was all about hill sprints for me (well that was after I did another one of Jillian Michaels videos….this time it was Max- Back in Action). I was very proud of myself though because yesterday I was doing just straight running and felt like it was really tough to be running at 4.0 (on the treadmill that is) and yet tonight I was running on a incline of 12.0 at 4.0 and felt like I could completely handle it (granted it was only 30 sec sprints…but hey I’ll celebrate where I can)! Plus you can’t help but feel like a bad ass when you are running up a hill (hee hee)!

One thing I keep reminding myself is that I don’t have to change everything over night. I think that’s one way I went wrong the first time through this weight loss journey. I felt like I HAD to drop the weight…and it had to be done as of yesterday. So I would force myself through these two hour workout sessions and force myself to extremes…and although I did drop the weight I kind of saw it as a race to the finish line. Now I realize that this will never be over and although I still want to drop the weight, I know it doesn’t have to happen overnight. I just need to keep taking one step after the other and eventually I will reach my goals. It’s about constantly moving forward, as you enjoy the journey….not just longing for the destination. Plus I think an attitude like this will really help me to learn a lot more about myself and that truly excites me.


Monday, October 12, 2009

Back to the grind....and bringing others along for the ride!


So today I walk into work and was greeted by two of my managers/friends with BIG smiles on their faces waiting to hear all about the race on Saturday (how encouraging is that)! So I told them all about it and showed them my medal (which is pictured with my race bib to the right)…and then we started talking about the Manchester Road Race (that’s the race I’m training for now which takes place on Thanksgiving Day). Over the weekend I had created a training program for one of the managers to prepare her for the race as well, since she had decided she wanted to run it too. So I pull out the plan and my other manager was like…”I always wanted to run that race but I don’t know if I can and I’ve never had anyone to run it with”. In about two minutes manger #1 and I had convinced manager #2 to follow the training plan as well and run it with us. And it turns out that another one of our co-workers is planning on running the race too, so we are all going to do it together (how fun is that)!

Well all of this meant that today was day 1 for training and although I am only two days removed from the ½ marathon, I was no longer sore so that meant I could jump back into things. Plus as if I needed anymore motivation to get back on track with my running and weight loss, I was told at work today that my store manager thinks I’m getting a little “porky” and “letting myself go” (isn’t that so horrible of her to say)! Now I will admit that I have gained back a good 40lbs of the 120lbs that I lost, but seriously…who likes to be called “fat” especially by their superior and behind their back! Anyway, that’s about all I needed to hear to set me straight for the day (I was even able to say no to pie in the break room and stuck to just 2 slices of pizza at dinner when I could have eaten the whole pie)!

Anyway…so yeah…my workout….I am a BIG fan of that at home workout which usually means doing some sort of video and then cardio. Today I did Jillian Michaels “shape-up front side” and then followed it up with a 2.25 mile jog on the treadmill (aka the dread mill...cause I much prefer to run outside). Let me just say that for as much of an athlete I would like to think that I am…that workout kicked my butt and although I could play it off that it’s just cause I’m sick…I’m not going to lie…in part it’s cause in a lot of ways I’m out of shape. But one thing I know, and had to keep reminding myself throughout the workout tonight, is that the more I do it the easier it will become so I pushed through and 865 calories burned later I was quite happy with my accomplishment.

Well for now it’s time for me to head off to bed. Night all.


Sunday, October 11, 2009

A New Day... another Goal


  I am a goal oriented person…so I constantly have to have something that I am working towards. For most of this year that goal has been to run the ING Hartford Marathon. Now that it’s over I’ve already begun looking to the next thing (is that wrong of me?!?!). So what’s next on the agenda you ask….The 73rd annual Manchester Road Race which takes place on thanksgiving morning. It’s a 4.75 mile race that is half uphill but definitely a lot of run (yeah I know…running up hill doesn’t sound fun but with all the bands, and people and fun costumes, one can’t help but enjoy themselves….plus then you don’t have to feel guilty for indulging at dinner that night…hee hee)!

Last year was the first time I ran this race and it took me 49:15 to complete it, which wasn’t bad considering it was only my second race ever and that I ended up having to run from shuttle bus (a mile away), pass the barriers, and the to the starting line (all the while watching the other racers speeding pass me in the opposite direction cause the race had already started). This year my goal is to try and shave 5 minutes off my time…and I have 6 weeks to do it. So starting tomorrow It’s back to the grind for me (so get ready for lots of posts about working out and grumbles of a love/Hate relationship with running from me).

But for tonite… I rest….and enjoy it (and maybe even indulge in some Ben and Jerry’s…hee hee).


Saturday, October 10, 2009

A change of heart...

Hey Friends!

So guess what?! I did it…again! I completed another 13.1 mile race (aka a ½ marathon) today. It’s so crazy to me to think that last year at this time I had just started running and had never even done my first 5k and here I am a year later having completed two ½ marathons in 6 months…hum….if we add them together then it’s kind of like I did a full right?!?!…hee hee.

Anyway I realized today that my mind is a funny thing. Last time I did a race like this I had all these expectations about what I could do and ended up finishing the race and feeling like I failed for not meeting those expectations. This time I had no expectations, except to finish, and when I did finish (even though it wasn’t the race I had planned to run) I was very proud of myself! Then of course there is the fact that last time I ran a half I expected to feel really sore afterwards and wasn’t, yet this time I assumed I wouldn’t be all that sore and I am. See…kind of backwards…but oh well.

So it seems that after all my blabbering and feeling bad last night…tonight I find myself feeling happy and accomplished…and already looking ahead to the next race (albeit a much shorter one).


Friday, October 9, 2009

The Race in my mind...


So tomorrow is the day…the day I face up to the promise/declaration I made way back in December….or well…at least half of it. See Last December I was feeling great, like I could do anything I put my mind to, and so I decided to make a New Year’s Resolution to Run the ING Hartford Marathon. I had grand plans to use the race to raise money for the American Cancer Society and to really honor the life of my brother in law (pictured to the left) who was struggling with the disease. Unfortunately in late January my Brother in Law passed away, and although I kept the hope alive that I would still be able to run this race for almost six months, by the time August came I knew I just wouldn’t be ready to take on the 26.2 miles. So I decided I would instead run the ½ marathon. I couldn’t very well quit on it all when I had actually raised some money and I certainly didn’t want to feel like a failure for not even trying. Yet the reality is…now that I sit here the night before the race realizing what this day could have been and what it isn’t, I do in a way feel like a failure. Honestly I’ve run a ½ marathon before (and I didn’t do as well as I had hoped) and so I should see this as a chance to redeem myself or something. Yet instead all can think about are all the people who are expecting that I’m going to run 26.2 miles and that I’m going to do great at it….when in reality I’ll be lucky if I make the 13.1.

How is it that I can take a great idea and a great accomplishment and turn it into something to be ashamed of and feel like a failure about?!?!

Your Nervous Friend


Thursday, October 8, 2009

And Introduction to Me...

Hey There!
My name is Jessica, I am 26 years old and I am what you could call a weight loss warrior. Okay, so I know what you are thinking. What in the world is a “weight loss warrior”?! Well for me it basically means someone who is in a fight for their life to lose weight and become the kind of person they were always wanted to be. It’s someone who celebrates the good times and continues to fight like hell in the bad times. It’s the type of person who knows full well that life is the about the journey, just as much as it’s about the destination. That’s the kind of person I am.
This is me (to the right) two years ago, weighing in at a whopping 290lbs (which is 20lbs shy of my heaviest weight of 310). I knew I was overweight and I knew I was unhealthy, but I didn’t know what to do in order to change it. Don’t get me wrong, I had tried plenty of “diets” but most didn’t work and those that did only last a few months and ended with me gaining back everything and more.
This is me (to the left) one year ago, weighing in at 170lbs (if you’re trying to calculate the difference, its 120lbs). I am proud of my accomplishment and even more proud that I did it on my own and in the old fashion way of eating right and exercising. In one year I learned more about health and wellness than I had ever known and was able to put all that information into practice to change my life. That is something that nobody in this world can take away from me.
But this is me (to the right) today (okay well the picture was actually taken a few weeks ago but you get the point). As you might be able to tell I’ve gained back some weight (or if we are being honest here more than some) and although I am nowhere near as obese as I once one I am certainly not proud of where I find myself these days.
The good thing is that I’m a warrior and I’m NOT giving up. So this is where it all starts again. This blog. This my way to work through everything I didn’t work through to begin with and my way of getting back on track and taking everyone I can with me. I don’t always promise to be happy and I won’t always have the right answers, but I am here to share my journey with as much honesty as I can to as many of you will read.
So thanks for tuning in.