Sunday, November 29, 2009

Weights and Measures...

Have you ever wanted something so bad that you thought that you would do anything to get it, yet no matter how hard you tried you could never quite get it and only ended up feeling more and more discouraged. That’s kind of how I have felt over the past several months with my weight loss journey. I want to lose weight. I want to fit back into my size 10 jeans. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. And I know that I have to do the work….but every time I work my ass off and only seem to gain weight I feel so discouraged that it’s hard to continue to believe that I can actually do this again.

That’s basically how I've felt the past several days. My goal this week was to lose two pounds and I thought that was a reasonable enough goal with holiday celebrations and what not going on. All through the week I seemed to be doing great. I wasn’t able to get in the workouts I wanted to earlier in the week but my food was really good and so I knew I was setting myself up for a good week. Even on thanksgiving I felt like I had eaten sensibly and not only ran in the race but walked…so I should have been happy when I got on the scale this morning. The reality however is that Friday morning I was already 4lbs up on the scale and this morning I was 6lbs… and although I know there’s no way possible that I gained six actual pounds this week… it’s frustrating to see the number on the scale fall almost back to where it was when I re-began this journey over a month ago.

I feel frustrated. I feel like for every step forward I take, there is always another step back to follow. I know I can lose weight… I’ve done it before…but it was never this hard and I never felt this hopeless in my journey. I think for me the one thing I have to remember is to NOT let the scale get the best of me. As much as I need the scale in terms of knowing if I’m heading in the right direction…I am not defined by a number and I can’t allow a number on the scale to derail me time and time again. If I am doing everything I know how to do and still not seeing the results I want to see then maybe it’s time to try something new, not see it as time to give up.

So tomorrow morning is the start of a new week and time to try again. I still have a goal to be under 200lbs by new year’s…and I believe if I can keep myself motivated I can definitely accomplish my goal.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Giving thanks for a great 2009 Thanksgiving!

HAPPY Thanksgiving everyone! I hope you all had a wonderful day! This year was probably the first year that I can honestly say that although my meal was great…this day was NOT about the food! I woke up this morning and began my day running a 4.75 mile road race with my co-worker/boss (a race which surprisingly enough is considered a world-class eve t considering it draws people from all over the world to our state…). Now time wise this year it took me about 10 minutes longer to run it than last year…but overall this year the race was so much more fun and when I cmpleted it I found myself more proud of my accomplishement than I ever was last year! This was the first time in months that I have run that long of a distance and at the end felt like I could keep going (granted it helped to run at my co-workers pace and not my own since that meant I was conserving energy)! Plus to be in a position where you can encourage someone else and push them along to help them prove to themselves that they can do something that just 6 weeks ago they didn’t think they could do is an AWESOME feeling! Top that off with the fact that we ended up running into another co-worker at about the 4 mile mark and stayed pretty close to her throughout the rest of the race…which meant after booking it to the finish line the last 20 yards (the only time I separated myself from my co-worker) I could turn around and cheer in TWO friends of mine as they finished!!!   All in all I feel amazing and like I proved to myself all over again that I can do whatever I put my mind too!

Then after the race (and a few extra miles of walking because for some reason I missed where the shuttle pick up was and we NEVER saw one…luckily we ended up running into our other co-worker again who gave us a ride back the rest of our way to the car) I went to my parents house for my main meal (And I was so proud of myself cause I only had one plate and that plate consisted of just a little (almost like 2 tbsp) of each thing we had offered us (which was more than I could expect). Then after dinner I took my sister (who is slowly getting back into the “I want to be healthy and lose weight” mindset) and went for an hour walk (just to burn a few more extra calories it beat having to listen to another hour of non-sense blabber coming out of my other sister’s husbands mouth)! After that it was one plate of dessert, along with some coffee, and two hours of playing apples to apples (the greatest family game ever)! Then to top it all off I came home and cleaned two bathrooms. So I’m thinking this turned out to be a pretty awesome day for me.

Tomorrow it’s back to the grind off work…and working out, but the good thing is I now have about six weeks to focus on weight training and strengthen my core before I hop back into another 20 week training program for my third half marathon (yep no matter how often I find myself in the middle of a race thinking “What the hell was I thinking when I signed up to run a half marathon”, I always find myself wanting to do it again when it's done…and this time I’ve convinced my co-worker to come along).

So for now I relish in my awesome day and look ahead to the next journey that awaits me!


Sunday, November 22, 2009

out with the with the new...times 2

Hey Friends,

Well it’s the end of week two in this new weight loss adventure of mine and I have to say that although the results of this past week could have been better, they are actually exactly what I was hoping for, so in the end I am happy. Week two is notoriously hard for me. There are times when I put in so much work and lose nothing, then times when I put in nothing and gain…plus you add onto that the fact that even the people on Biggest Loser who I look to for motivation have trouble on the scale week two…and well I came to the conclusion at the beginning of the week that I would be happy with just maintaining this week. In general this week in particular was a hard emotional week for me. I tried to focus a lot on putting myself first which brought up my guilt issues and fear of being rejected and thus my lack of trust in pretty much every relationship I have…so the desire to eat was constantly there (Yeah in case you haven’t noticed…my name is Jessica and I am an emotional eater). Although I really didn’t give in to too much temptations, I also didn’t count calories for most of the week…so top that off with the fact that my workouts have kind of sucked for me this week (I’ve really just been exhausted and have just wanted to sleep all day, but since I work I can’t so the next best option is always to half ass my workouts just to get through them so I can try to get to bed early….although that never happens…and also never turns out for the better)…and well I am happy to say I didn’t gain an ounce this week (I didn’t lose anything either but I am still going to celebrate).

For week three my goal is to lose 2lbs. I know that seems like so little considering just a week ago I lost 6lbs in one week…but I figure 2lbs is reasonable enough when we are talking about a week with a major “food” holiday in it (now don’t get me wrong I don’t believe that just because it’s thanksgiving I have a right to gorge myself…but I do however know myself and I know I will eat over my calorie allowance on Thursday and I will probably give into temptations that normally I wouldn’t bother with…so I am planning ahead and counting on extra workouts and a sensible goal to help to the next place in my journey.

Well for now I need to get to bed so that I can get up early to work out (early morning workouts are not my thing…especially on a day off… but sometimes desperate times call for desperate measures...hee hee).


Thursday, November 19, 2009

Sometimes you win... some times you lose...but you always learn something..

Growing up I was a very angry kid and I wasn’t sure then (nor am I totally sure now) why that is, but none the less it was the root cause of why I got in so many fights with people. There was the time I beat a classmate over the head with his umbrella until both his head and the umbrella broke. There was the time I hit a neighborhood kids over the head with a crochet mallet hoping I would knock him out. And there was even the time I left a friend bleeding and screaming in the street after pummeling her to the ground. Now I’m not proud of these moments in my life. I don’t share them to sound tough or look like some sort of badass. Instead I share because looking back I realize that those fights….all that physical contact was coming from pent up rage that I just didn’t know how to get out otherwise.

These days I know it’s not proper to beat people up…in fact a person can get in a lot of trouble for doing so (incase you didn’t know)…so instead (and this is the whole point of the stories above) I realize that I have learned to release my anger in binge eating. I know that sounds funny but it’s true. It’s no longer okay (as if it ever was) to bash someone’s face in, or to hit a wall, or to throw something out of anger. It’s not okay to harm others…so I found a new outlet… and strangely it involves harming myself. I eat and eat and eat…until the point that I’m sick…then I spend days dealing with eaters remorse…and all because I’m an emotional girl whose once again forgotten that solving one problem by creating another is NOT the answer to life.

So now what?! Now that I’ve discovered this about myself, now what do I do?!?! I think it’s time to find a new outlet…and honestly I think I want to try out boxing or kickboxing or some sort of martial arts. (It seems appropriate right?!?! Hee hee). Anyway, I’m going to do some research into making that happen but until then if any of you know of some good learning tools to help me out…let me know. Thanks.


Wednesday, November 18, 2009

one small step for man... one giant leap for my kind!

I’ve come to the conclusion that there is a running thread among women in general where we tend to give to EVERYONE else in our lives EXCEPT to OURSELVES. I see it in my friends…and in my co-workers… and Infact this has become the reality of MY life in the past year. The other day I was thinking about how stressed I am, how anxious I feel, How angry with life I am becoming and I realized that the happiest I’ve ever been was the year I lost 130lbs and put myself first….and how since then…somehow putting myself first has become almost like a “sin”. It seems everyone in my life needs something from me…and almost all of my relationships and interactions with people are about what people need me to do for them. And I always give it.

But...when did it become wrong to care about me…to take care of me… to put me first?!? Why do I feel so bad every time I do?!?! Well these are questions I’m trying to address with myself…and the first step was when about a week ago I was completely transparent with a co-worker and told her that I was really needing someone to talk to…and then today she walked in with a number for me…a number for a counseling center. I have been talking about going to counseling for months…I’ve actually found myself wanting to go in past weeks….but sitting here with a number in my pocket…it scares me. All I have to do is call the number and tell them what I need….and yet I find that one step so difficult. Why is that?!?! Ugh!


Monday, November 16, 2009

Mishaps and Misteps...

Remember the movie “Field of Dreams”? You know, the one with the famous line…”If you build it he will come”? I think if there was a movie created out of the day I just had, it would be called “land of broken dreams” and the quote of the movie would be… “If it’s there… I will eat it”! Ugh! Yes, it seems that the need for endless amounts of sweets in the break room is continuing for another week at my workplace and although last week I did really really good with staying far far away, this week…well this day…I’ve done everything but…and it’s so disappointing. Honestly, I think the difference is that last week I could look at see the calorie counts on the items and know right off the bat how much work I would have to put in to burn off whatever I ate. This week the sweets are all leftovers from a holiday bake off our staff had meaning there is no calorie counts… so I could pretend like the damage isn’t as bad. But the reality is…a calorie…is a calorie… is a calorie…whether or not you can read it on the box or not.

Anyway… after having such a bad day with food, I came home not really wanting to work out (go figure) and decided that instead of half-assing the same old same old routines I would mix it up and try something new in hopes that the “newness” of it all would get me excited to do. So I reached into my endless supply of workout videos and pulled out a “Prevention: Dance it off” video I got years ago but never really did. Within fifteen minutes of starting the video I remembered that the reason I never really did it is because I have two left feet. Seriously…this video was real dancing…and although I took dance classes as a little girl….any rhythm I ever had has gone completely out the window….and honestly I stunk… and it just wasn’t that fun (as sad as it sounds).

So I guess the best thing to do…is head to bed and wake up with a renewed commitment to myself and my health (cause after all my health is my responsibility and mine alone)!


Sunday, November 15, 2009

Out with the old, in with the new...

Hey Guys!

So it’s weigh in day and guess what?!?! I lost 6lbs this week! How awesome is that?!? And it’s totally not one of those fluke readings either because I checked in on my weight half way through the week and I knew I was going to be looking at a good number! But to sum up the past week, I would have to say it was the week of “Just do it”. As I showed you in my last post, I have a quote on my wall from bob harper that says, “just do it. Just stop talking about it and do it”! I am the queen of talking about getting back on track, and talking about getting up early to workout, and talking about watching my diet. This week every time I found myself wanting to cave in and just let my commitment be talk, I thought about this quote and about how it was time to shut up or put up….so I put up…. And I am proud of myself!

Well although it’s nice to revel in the joy of this past week’s success, with weigh in day also comes the start of a new week and this week my focus is going to be on finding new outlets to deal with my emotions besides turning to food. I have a very bad tendency to come home from work…be tired…and eat. Or to have an argument with someone… feel stressed…and eat. Food is always my go to resource cause it’s always there for me….I can count on it….and although I know ultimately binging is not going to get me any closer to my goals, in the moment it sure does seem to make me feel better.

So here are some things I came up with that I can do when I am feeling emotional and want to eat…

*I can Workout/Run

*I can journal

*I can call/text a friend

*I can blog

*I can drink water

*I can play a game

*I can work on a project

*I can brush my teeth

I am sure there are plenty of other things I can do in those situations as well….and I’m totally open to suggestion… so if any of you have any ideas feel free to share them with me.

Well off to get a move on with my busy night. I’ll be sure to keep you all updated on how this week’s progress goes.


Thursday, November 12, 2009

Motivation... Inspiration... Dedication...

Hey there!

So long time no post from me. Sorry about that. But this time it’s not cause I’ve fallen even further off the wagon and down the hill. Instead I have actually been doing really good with my diet (I haven’t gone over calories all week) and exercise (I’ve worked out every day since Saturday..) this week and expect to see a good number on the scale when I weigh in on Sunday. Now part of the reason I feel that I am doing so well is because I have a great partner in crime. Even though she doesn’t live with me or even in the same state, I feel like we are in this together and that when I slip she’s there to catch me and when she slips I’m there to catch her. I feel like we push each other to not just lose weight but to look at the emotional side of weight loss as well. Plus she inspires me to keep going and never give up….even when the results aren’t what I expect. What is more is that this person is probably the one person in my life right now who I know I can be completely real with and even in that (when I am most vulnerable) she still cares about me and stands by my side (even when it’s my ugly side..hee hee). That means more to me than life…so thank you Shelley!

Another thing that I think has been helping me a long in this journey is relying on the inspiration of others. Now don’t get me wrong, I do not believe that motivation cannot come from anywhere but inside of myself….but sometimes the words of others keep pushing me along. For that reason... I have quotes all over my wall… specifically directly in front of my dreadmill (see picture to right). Some quotes mean more to me than others…and on different days different quotes stand out…but none the less in my time of need (aka when I am running out of energy and want to quit) reading them inspires me to keep going just a little bit longer. Here are some of my favorites:

And finally I think that last thing that has totally helped me in this journey this week is that I’ve come up with my own mantra. In recent times I’ve used other people thoughts or ideas…believing it worked for them so it should work for me…honestly though…it really hasn’t. Then the other day I was running on the treadmill thinking about my body and where I’ve come from and something just clicked in my mind and I said to myself “Own it”….”Own your success”… “Own your Failure”… “Own your decisions”…”Own your life”! This journey is about me…it’s for me. It’s not to boost anyone else’s name, get anyone else’s attention, or even to prove something to anyone else. It’s about me…being who I want to be…and getting there on my terms … in my own timing. The success I have had isn’t because of anyone but me…and the times I’ve slid back into old habits are because of me too. This is my life…and life is what you make it…so my new mantra is to “Own it”!

Alright well three more days until my next weigh in… but hopefully I will post more before then.


Sunday, November 8, 2009

Timing is everything...

Hey There!

SO early mornings and I … we are not friends. I enjoy my sleep and lying in bed warm under the covers until the last possible second. I enjoy hitting snooze a million times and pretending that the five minutes of extra “sleep” really matter. I enjoy waking up to the light streaming in through the windows instead of getting out of bed when it’s still dark. So why in the world am I trying to form a new habit of getting up early to work out?!?

This has been the question on my mind for weeks as day after day I’ve slept through my alarm when I’ve promised myself to get up. But today I did it. I set my alarm for bright and early and got up for an early morning run before anyone else in the family was up… and honestly it was pretty worth it.

You see last week I only got in one work out all week….which sucked twice as much because my eating habits were out of control (the only thing that helped the situation was that for five days I busted my ass at work….working overtime most days… So I am pretty sure I burned off some extra calories…just not nearly all of them)! I can’t do that anymore. Not only do I have two and a half weeks until my next race, but in terms of my weight loss goals… this is not going to help me head in the right direction.

I read in an article recently that most working mothers find that mornings are their favorite time to work out because they have it done before the rest of the day can get in their way. The article also said that the hardest time is the first two weeks when you are trying to get your body accustomed to these morning workouts. This inspired me a bit and I’ve decided to try morning work outs for the next two weeks… just not every day (hee hee…come on a girl needs her sleep you know…plus I can’t just change overnight). So my plan is Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday morning to wake up early and get my workout in (leaving Monday, Wednesday, and Friday mornings to catch up on my missing sleep). My theory is….even if those where the only days I got a workout in (which believe me I plan to get in more than that), then including today I will still have worked out 4 out of the 7 days this week…and that’s a lot better than what I’ve been doing.

So luckily tomorrow I get the chance to sleep in…but Tuesday morning it’s all about getting up and working out…”before my mind figures out what my body is doing” (hee hee…stole that one from the article as well).


Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Hey Mojo....where'd you go?!?!

It all started this weekend when I fell off the wagon….there was drinking, and candy eating, and lots and lots of take out! Then yesterday was suppose to be the day I got back on track…day #1 all over again. I had grand plans to get up and run in the morning (since it’s light out then now) and then do my strength training when I got home from work (which I know is backwards but it’s dark when I get home and I’m really getting sick of the treadmill). I bought clean groceries and even set my calorie allowance for the week. Then my alarm went off yesterday morning and I was just too exhausted to even think about getting up (seriously… I could barely keep my eyes open enough to figure out how to reset my alarm). When I did get up (at the last possible second) I managed to make a really healthy breakfast and pack up my even healthier lunch (I’m trying out this volumetrics thing so my meals are lots of veggies…but I get A LOT of them). I worked my butt off at work (so much so that I missed my first break and had to eat my lunch and snack all at one sitting (volumetrics is great…but with other people in the room I looked like a pig!). Then I came home…and it’s like the bottomless pit in my stomach opened up and I could not stop eating. I had two chicken parm cutlets with 2 cups of wheat pasta….and then I made the deadly mistake of looking in the cabinet for more…and in a matter of an hour and a half I had eating like 8 iced oatmeal cookies (which is something like 160 calories for 2), at least 10 pieces of candy (which most candy is like 2-3 pieces for 160 calories), an entire bag of buttered popcorn (which my sister bought from the boy scouts for herself and totally convinced me to have…..and its 500 calories), and then I followed it all down with a vodka tonic (with God knows how many calories)! What makes that even worse is that by 9pm I was exhausted and had no energy so instead of working out to try and burn some calories I went to bed promising myself that no matter what I would get up this morning to run (and of course I didn’t get up cause even after 9 hours of sleep I was still absolutely exhausted that the thought of getting out of bed early made me want to throw up)!

So now I’m at a loss. I HATE the way I look and how I feel at the moment….I HATE it. Yet I feel like no matter what I do it’s never going to change. I gained 40 pounds in 6 months and since then I have struggled to lose the same five pound over and over and over again for about six weeks. I feel defeated….like I just don’t have the energy anymore to keep going around and around and around this mountain. Yet I’m not happy where I am at…so I need to figure out how to get my mojo back…cause I can’t stop… I can’t give up… I deserve more!


Sunday, November 1, 2009

Cure for the week two curse?!?!

Hey there!

So I might just have to pull a two-a-day with posting today in order to make up for my lack of posting the last few days. Then again maybe my lack of posting is just a reflection of my lack in other areas of my life the last few days. It seems for months now…no matter how much I say I’m not going to do it… I always fall for the week two curse! What’s the week two curse? It’s when for two weeks straight I do great with my weight loss…I’m eating right, exercising, feeling great. And then I weigh in for the second time…lose less than a pound or gain...and I’m derailed for days! Ugh!

I guess what it comes down to is feeling like no matter how hard I work I am never going to reach my weight loss goals. Then I start thinking about how Bad of an example I’ve become and how much of a failure I feel like…and before I know it I am doing everything I know NOT to do (like turning to food for comfort)! It’s frustrating….and I hate that I do it…so why can’t I stop?!?!

So the goal for this week is to lose 2lbs and to recognize and acknowledge everything I do Right along the way. I need to celebrate my accomplishments and start believing once and for all that I CAN do this!