I wanna believe we serve a God of reconciliation. That God can take even the most hardest hearts and turn them back to Him and back to each other. But, what happens when one of those hardened hearts is my own and I'm no longer sure if I want reconciliation?!
Tonite at dinner my mom informed me that one of my sister's is thinking about starting to attend my church. Now if I was a "good little Christian" (or at least acting on my best behavior as I so often do in Christian circles), I would be excited about the idea of seeing my sister come to God or even just church. She's gone through a lot over the past several years and if she truly understood the grace of God it would change her life.
But instead, once again, my ugly side reared it's head. It seems lately, all I've been doing if showing my faults. I feel so overwhelmed lately by my lack and in that moment of my mom sharing this information about my sister with me, I was once again faced with how jaded I truly am.
To be honest, I'm not sure I'm ready to move forward with my sister....to forgive her...and to begin to once again to give her the benefit of the doubt. It seems like every time I do that I set myself up for disappointment and I've had enough of that over the past several weeks. And yet when I think about her coming to my church, I realise that my heart is completely opposite to the heart of God. If God is a god of reconciliation...then who I am serving in this situation?!?!
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
There's so much I could write about, so many thoughts and feelings that could be put out there, but one thing I've learned about myself over the past few months (and something that I truly respect in me) is that I know how to keep my mouth shut when I need to and move on! You see, most people see me as this nice, quiet girl, who only tells people off in her mind. But, honestly, I can't tell you the amount of times in life that my mouth has gotten me into trouble. It's like my words are a cliff and my emotions are a propeller and 99.9% of the time, the two combine and send me over the edge (by the way what is up with me and precentages tonite?!!?)
Anyway, I like knowing that I've grown enough to know when it's worth it plead my case, to tell someone off, to voice a complain, to trash talk.....and when it's just better to swallow my pride, admit where I was wrong, and leave it be. I never thought I would say this, but there is almost a sense of freedom in showing restraint! Who knew (well besides all those people over the years who have told me just to keep my mouth shut...hee hee)!