Thursday, December 31, 2009

What are the things that motivate you?!?!

Hey there!

So I am quite the visual person. I need to SEE things to believe them. I need to LOOK at something to understand it. And I need a VISION of what I am working towards in order to get there. With that said today I spent most of my morning cleaning up my room and preparing for the New Year. One thing in particular I did was to start a new collage of motivational things (see picture to the right). I don’t know about you but when it comes down to either working out or sitting on the couch for a few more hours, seeing a picture of Jillian Michaels staring at you helps make it easier to make the right decision!  So this is what I remind me of all the reasons I am doing this!

I also decided that this year in order to track my weight loss progress I needed something tangible to look at. So I bought one of those desk calendars that you can write all over and hung it on my wall right next to my desk (see picture to left). That way every night I can write down what I did for a workout and each week I can track my weight. For me it has always helped to use the calendar method for workouts cause too many blank days in a row remind me to get back on track! Speaking of tangible items of motivation, I also pulled out a pair of size 10 jeans that were my FAVORITE jeans to wear last Christmas. These are my goal pants…I cannot wait to fit back into them)!

And finally the last thing I’ve done to prepare for the New Year is buy a new calorie tracking journal (see picture to right). Weight loss is the simple equation of calories in and calories out, so if I am not tracking my calories there is no way of knowing what I am taking in or how much I need to burn….thus the calorie journal!

Now that just leaves me sending my heart rate monitor in to get repaired (I meant to do that before now but Christmas drained me of any excess mullah I had) and creating my I want list for 2010 (don’t worry I’ll post it as soon as I am done).

It seems like I am off to a great start….so HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE…. I’ll write you again in 2010!

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Let the countdown begin!

Hey there!

Can you all believe it…we are only a few days away from 2010! I remember being a little girl in elementary school and writing a theme paper on what life would be like in 2010….let’s just say my imagination got the best of me back then (think robots and life on mars) but I can honestly say there is so much more to life these days than I could have ever imagined back then. And like with the ending of everyYear and the beginning of a New one, I have been spending lots of time reflecting and dreaming lately…and one thing I have decided is that 2010 will be the year I will run on all four cylinders. My goal is simply to focus on my mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual health so that I can be a healthy, happier person (hee hee…so maybe that’s not so simple).

It’s seems like throughout my life I have been really good at focusing at each one of these things…just a different times. When I was in school I truly believed that I was mentally preparing myself for whatever would come my way in this world….I got straight A’s and tried to absorb every last morsel of what I was being taught just in case it became valuable to me at some point in life (which in most cases it has). When I spent my first year in Oakland I met with my first lay counselor who tried to help me get my anger/rage issues under control (which thankfully I did). Also during my Oakland years my relationship with God because the most personal thing in the world to me…because honestly 3,000 miles away from everything I had ever known all I had was God (and He used those years to teach me that still today He is my everything). And then of course there is a few years ago when I started my weight loss journey and lost 130lbs…and really pushed my body in the most physical ways I could...that I learned that my body is a temple that needs to be taken care of as well.

This year I want to focus on not just prospering in one of these ways….I want it all (hee hee…when I was little I use to have this comic t-shirt that said that very same thing…I wish I had it now to post it on my wall)! Ultimately though, I think all of these things are wrapped up in one main goal for the year…and that is… “To be as committed to MYSELF as I am to others”!

If any of you actually know me…you know that I will do ANYTHING for the people in my life that I care about. I love deeply, care deeply, and give deeply….call it my over emotional girlie-ness (hee hee). Unfortunately because I am so willing to give myself to others….I am often left with almost nothing for myself. This is no way to live. If I want to continue to be there for the other people in my life I MUST take care of myself! This is what 2010 will be about for me!

And I Can’t wait to share the journey with all of you!


Thursday, December 17, 2009

Find balance but start somewhere!

I am a zero to sixty kind of girl…I’m either all in or I’m all out… it’s either black or it’s white, it’s right or it’s wrong… there is no gray area with me! And so when it comes to my workouts I work hard…or I don’t work out at all. However this past summer I learned a very valuable lesson about balance.

You see this summer I trained to run a marathon. In fact I started training for that race around this time last year by preparing myself to run a half marathon (the same half that I will be training to run again this year). Well after running the half I gave myself a few weeks off from the sport before jumping in and preparing again to be ready to run a full 26.2 miles. And when it came time to get back into training mode, I went all out….pushing myself beyond my limits and my body to extremes. Sadly what happened was that within a month or so I had completely burned myself out by running too much, too fast, too quickly. Well that in turn lead me to take a few more weeks off from training…and then I made my second bad decision and after not running anything for weeks on end jumped right back into my training from where I left off…only to end up with a stress fracture that lead to even more time away from running and ultimately forcing me to make the decision that a marathon just wasn’t in the cards for me this year. To Come to the place where I had to make that discussion completely disappointed me. I felt like a failure…like a fraud…like a quitter, and even though I did run another half on the day of the full marathon, watching the runners cross that finish line at mile 26.2 made me only regret my poor decision making skills.

You see running, much like weight loss, is all about endurance… and when you train for an event you are suppose to follow a training schedule that builds you up to the point where you are ready to take on a massive distant in the most prepared way possible. When you veer from that plan and push your body in ways it’s just not prepared to be pushed you set yourself up for failure. In the same way exercise is something that builds upon itself. You might have to start off doing “girly” pushups but the more you work at it the closer you get to doing full out military pushups and then maybe even someday one armed pushups. But you see, just like running…you have to be willing to work your way up to it…to take the baby steps… to crawl before you walk.

Now don’t get me wrong, I absolutely believe in pushing your limits and live in the belief that if you want to achieve results you’ve never had you have to be willing to do what you’ve never done. However it’s also important to be smart. If you’ve never worked out a day in your life… start out walking…. If you’ve never picked up a weight, start with something light. Push yourself…but use your head. We all have to start somewhere.


Wednesday, December 16, 2009

The Value of knowing your worth...

So last night I borrowed the book “fat Chance” by Julie Hadden from work (gotta love the book borrowing plan that they have for employees at Barnes and Noble) and I gotta say that I couldn’t have decided to read it at a more perfect time. As anyone who has been reading my blog over the past few months can tell, I have been having a really hard time getting back on track with my weight loss journey. And I guess in part my struggle has been to somehow figure out all over again why I’m worth it. That whole concept use to come so easily to me. I would work out for hours on end and push my body to extremes in order to lose weight because I knew without shadow of a doubt that I was worth it and that I would/could do anything I put my mind/body to do! Then I got within 20lbs of my goal…20 measly pounds…and somehow I forgot…I forgot that I am worth it…that I deserve it… that I could do it. And 20 measly pounds from my goal I gave up and gave in. Before I knew it I had put on more weight than I wanted to admit and I no longer believed in myself or my worth. I’ve tried a million ways over this past year to figure it out all over again… to remind myself why it’s all worth it… and to believe that I could stick with it…. And yet each time after only a week or two I would fall back into this state of “what’s the point”. Now I understand the danger in putting this out there so early into my knew found hope (cause as you might have notice my track record hasn’t been all the great as of late), but tonight I feel like I can do anything again… Like I can do this…like I am worth it. And I think in part it came from reading Julie’s book and letting it remind me of a Jillian Michaels quote that I use to keep at the forefront of my mind during every workout and at every meal.

You see I am an avid Biggest Loser watcher. I’ve seen almost every season, including the seasons in Australia, and at times I use the experiences of those people in those seasons to push myself to do what I know needs to be done. In particular there are certain scenes that always stick out to me and I play back in my mind. One of those scenes is from the third season of the biggest loser Australia. In this particular scene Jillian has the entire black team running on the treadmills and one by one she asks them to tell her something about themselves. When she comes to this girl named Carrie-anne(?) she can’t think of anything good to say about herself and Jillian says to her “If you can’t say anything good about yourself how will anyone else ever”?!?!

In my mind I always extend the quote to say things like “If you don’t think your beautiful how will anyone else ever? If you don’t believe in yourself how will anyone else ever? If you don’t think you are worth it how will anyone else ever?, etc”. Tonight…after reading a few more chapters in Julie’s book I’ve extended the quote again. This time I think “If you don’t believe in yourself WHY should anyone else? If you don’t think you’re worth it WHY should anyone else? If you don’t want to take the time to invest in yourself WHY should anyone else waste their time doing so”!

You see if we don’t take the time to make ourselves a priority, we are telling the rest of the world that we don’t matter (in fact we are showing it by the fact that we don’t take care of ourselves). Now I believe in God and I believe in creation…therefore I also have a firm belief that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Thus, if I am worth it to God to put in all the effort of creating me…and keeping me alive thus far…. Then I must have value. I am worth it!

When my weight loss journey first began, a lot of motivation came from wanting to prove to a certain someone in my life that I wasn’t a “Nobody”…funny thing is that looking back now I realize that even in my lowest low I always knew I was “somebody” because if I didn’t I wouldn’t have even tried to put up a fight to prove that I was! Tonight I am thankful that the fire has been sparked up again….the reminder has been placed in my heart. I am valuable, I am worth it, I know I am…and the best way to prove it is to live it out each moment of my life. It’s making decisions about food that say I know I’m powerful. It’s working out in ways that say I’m strong. It’s holding my head up high and knowing no matter where the road leads I will finish this journey because I am worth it!

Thanks Julie for reminding me of that tonight!


Sunday, December 13, 2009

I'm every woman...

There seems to be a chronic condition…an ailment if you will... among women, where all we ever do is put everyone and everything else first instead of investing in ourselves. Call it nature’s nurturing gene or a mothering instinct… but whatever it is almost all women do it. This past month…alright let’s just be full out honest here and say this past year… I’ve been that woman.

Two years ago I took the time to really focus on myself… to get healthy…put myself first…and go after what I wanted. During that time I was the girl who wasn’t ashamed to say exactly what I wanted on my plate when I was out at a restaurant even if it meant my friends were a bit embarrassed. I was the girl who didn’t feel guilty when I made plans around my workouts instead of trying to fit my workouts around all the plans. And I was a person who was full of energy and happy for the first time in my entire life.

Then about this time last year, when my brother-in-law really began to get sick…and my focus shifted and life became about what worked out best for my sister and her kids. Then when my brother in law passed away and I moved into my sister’s house permentantly, my life became even more about pleasing her and the girls instead of about me.  In fact I ended up taking a year off of school and getting a full time job and now my days are filled with hours upon hours of doing for everyone else…hoping that at the end of the day I will have enough energy to do something for me.

This holiday season in particulary has been extra hard on me with my job needing me to work extra hours and my sister wanting me around more so she can go off and do what she needs, and the demands of gift giving. In fact it took a good friend of mine to pull me aside yesterday and basically tell me I do too much for everyone else and not nearly enough for me and therefore she was kidnapping me and forcing me to go out with friends to just to allow me some "me' time (and actually finding myself truly enjoying the opportunity and reveling in every moment of it) that I began to realize that something is a little off. And actually since we are talking in all honestly here….it wasn’t until tonight when I was running on the treadmill feeling completely guilty for working out and spending time on myself while my sister was upstairs just wanting some company…that I truly began to realize that things have gotten out of control.

I’ve somehow become the girl who focuses on what everyone else needs, wants, feels…without ever really checking in on those things within myself until I get to my breaking point. And then when that happens and I start to feel like my life sucks, and nobody cares about me….depression sets in and I feel lifeless and overwhelmed….so I find myself thinking back to the days when I was most happy and I remember that it was the year I put myself first that I found true joy.

So even has I sit here on the brink of an even busier week than the last two, I look forward with confidence knowing full well that to live the life I imagine I have to put myself first…and that’s okay....  I can do that.  I deserve to!


Tuesday, December 1, 2009

This is life...

Hey there,

So last week was a really hard week for me. However this week I decided it was time to just go for it…to once again stop making excuses and let life get in the way of all I want for myself. So yesterday morning I got up early and worked out for 30 minutes before my day even began. Then I came home and worked out for 30 more minutes before I went to bed. What is more is that I focused on eating healthy and even though I was starving when I left work and had to go grocery shopping before I could go home and eat, I still stayed on track.... and it felt great!

That was day one. Today was a bit different. I was supposed to get up early again to work out….but I didn’t… I let myself sleep in. I still stayed on track with my food even though I was tempted all day long. And then tonight I worked out for an hour straight… and I realized that this is life! Some days I am going to sleep in, some days I’m going to be tempted, some days I am going to make bad decisions….but that’s life….but that doesn’t mean that I should ever let life make me quit! I can always find time to get a workout in (whether in the morning or at night), I can always make the better choice when it comes to food, and I can always choose me first no matter what life throws at me! And I will!

Which brings me to another thought… Last Wednesday night they had one of those “where are they now” specials about past contestants from the biggest loser. At the end they showed bob talking to a former contestant who had gained back almost all of his weight. As I listened to bob talk to him I couldn’t help but feel like I related to him in so many ways. No I haven’t gained back 100’s of pounds….but when you gain any amount of significant weight after losing so much you can’t help but feel like a failure. Well one thing I specifically remember bob telling this contestant is “You know how to put the weight on… and you know how to take it off… now you have to figure out how to just live”. That’s the state I find myself at right now. Yes I still have weight to lose but now I’m doing it being a full time parent and working full time…and basically while creating a life. That excites me!


Sunday, November 29, 2009

Weights and Measures...

Have you ever wanted something so bad that you thought that you would do anything to get it, yet no matter how hard you tried you could never quite get it and only ended up feeling more and more discouraged. That’s kind of how I have felt over the past several months with my weight loss journey. I want to lose weight. I want to fit back into my size 10 jeans. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. And I know that I have to do the work….but every time I work my ass off and only seem to gain weight I feel so discouraged that it’s hard to continue to believe that I can actually do this again.

That’s basically how I've felt the past several days. My goal this week was to lose two pounds and I thought that was a reasonable enough goal with holiday celebrations and what not going on. All through the week I seemed to be doing great. I wasn’t able to get in the workouts I wanted to earlier in the week but my food was really good and so I knew I was setting myself up for a good week. Even on thanksgiving I felt like I had eaten sensibly and not only ran in the race but walked…so I should have been happy when I got on the scale this morning. The reality however is that Friday morning I was already 4lbs up on the scale and this morning I was 6lbs… and although I know there’s no way possible that I gained six actual pounds this week… it’s frustrating to see the number on the scale fall almost back to where it was when I re-began this journey over a month ago.

I feel frustrated. I feel like for every step forward I take, there is always another step back to follow. I know I can lose weight… I’ve done it before…but it was never this hard and I never felt this hopeless in my journey. I think for me the one thing I have to remember is to NOT let the scale get the best of me. As much as I need the scale in terms of knowing if I’m heading in the right direction…I am not defined by a number and I can’t allow a number on the scale to derail me time and time again. If I am doing everything I know how to do and still not seeing the results I want to see then maybe it’s time to try something new, not see it as time to give up.

So tomorrow morning is the start of a new week and time to try again. I still have a goal to be under 200lbs by new year’s…and I believe if I can keep myself motivated I can definitely accomplish my goal.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Giving thanks for a great 2009 Thanksgiving!

HAPPY Thanksgiving everyone! I hope you all had a wonderful day! This year was probably the first year that I can honestly say that although my meal was great…this day was NOT about the food! I woke up this morning and began my day running a 4.75 mile road race with my co-worker/boss (a race which surprisingly enough is considered a world-class eve t considering it draws people from all over the world to our state…). Now time wise this year it took me about 10 minutes longer to run it than last year…but overall this year the race was so much more fun and when I cmpleted it I found myself more proud of my accomplishement than I ever was last year! This was the first time in months that I have run that long of a distance and at the end felt like I could keep going (granted it helped to run at my co-workers pace and not my own since that meant I was conserving energy)! Plus to be in a position where you can encourage someone else and push them along to help them prove to themselves that they can do something that just 6 weeks ago they didn’t think they could do is an AWESOME feeling! Top that off with the fact that we ended up running into another co-worker at about the 4 mile mark and stayed pretty close to her throughout the rest of the race…which meant after booking it to the finish line the last 20 yards (the only time I separated myself from my co-worker) I could turn around and cheer in TWO friends of mine as they finished!!!   All in all I feel amazing and like I proved to myself all over again that I can do whatever I put my mind too!

Then after the race (and a few extra miles of walking because for some reason I missed where the shuttle pick up was and we NEVER saw one…luckily we ended up running into our other co-worker again who gave us a ride back the rest of our way to the car) I went to my parents house for my main meal (And I was so proud of myself cause I only had one plate and that plate consisted of just a little (almost like 2 tbsp) of each thing we had offered us (which was more than I could expect). Then after dinner I took my sister (who is slowly getting back into the “I want to be healthy and lose weight” mindset) and went for an hour walk (just to burn a few more extra calories it beat having to listen to another hour of non-sense blabber coming out of my other sister’s husbands mouth)! After that it was one plate of dessert, along with some coffee, and two hours of playing apples to apples (the greatest family game ever)! Then to top it all off I came home and cleaned two bathrooms. So I’m thinking this turned out to be a pretty awesome day for me.

Tomorrow it’s back to the grind off work…and working out, but the good thing is I now have about six weeks to focus on weight training and strengthen my core before I hop back into another 20 week training program for my third half marathon (yep no matter how often I find myself in the middle of a race thinking “What the hell was I thinking when I signed up to run a half marathon”, I always find myself wanting to do it again when it's done…and this time I’ve convinced my co-worker to come along).

So for now I relish in my awesome day and look ahead to the next journey that awaits me!


Sunday, November 22, 2009

out with the with the new...times 2

Hey Friends,

Well it’s the end of week two in this new weight loss adventure of mine and I have to say that although the results of this past week could have been better, they are actually exactly what I was hoping for, so in the end I am happy. Week two is notoriously hard for me. There are times when I put in so much work and lose nothing, then times when I put in nothing and gain…plus you add onto that the fact that even the people on Biggest Loser who I look to for motivation have trouble on the scale week two…and well I came to the conclusion at the beginning of the week that I would be happy with just maintaining this week. In general this week in particular was a hard emotional week for me. I tried to focus a lot on putting myself first which brought up my guilt issues and fear of being rejected and thus my lack of trust in pretty much every relationship I have…so the desire to eat was constantly there (Yeah in case you haven’t noticed…my name is Jessica and I am an emotional eater). Although I really didn’t give in to too much temptations, I also didn’t count calories for most of the week…so top that off with the fact that my workouts have kind of sucked for me this week (I’ve really just been exhausted and have just wanted to sleep all day, but since I work I can’t so the next best option is always to half ass my workouts just to get through them so I can try to get to bed early….although that never happens…and also never turns out for the better)…and well I am happy to say I didn’t gain an ounce this week (I didn’t lose anything either but I am still going to celebrate).

For week three my goal is to lose 2lbs. I know that seems like so little considering just a week ago I lost 6lbs in one week…but I figure 2lbs is reasonable enough when we are talking about a week with a major “food” holiday in it (now don’t get me wrong I don’t believe that just because it’s thanksgiving I have a right to gorge myself…but I do however know myself and I know I will eat over my calorie allowance on Thursday and I will probably give into temptations that normally I wouldn’t bother with…so I am planning ahead and counting on extra workouts and a sensible goal to help to the next place in my journey.

Well for now I need to get to bed so that I can get up early to work out (early morning workouts are not my thing…especially on a day off… but sometimes desperate times call for desperate measures...hee hee).


Thursday, November 19, 2009

Sometimes you win... some times you lose...but you always learn something..

Growing up I was a very angry kid and I wasn’t sure then (nor am I totally sure now) why that is, but none the less it was the root cause of why I got in so many fights with people. There was the time I beat a classmate over the head with his umbrella until both his head and the umbrella broke. There was the time I hit a neighborhood kids over the head with a crochet mallet hoping I would knock him out. And there was even the time I left a friend bleeding and screaming in the street after pummeling her to the ground. Now I’m not proud of these moments in my life. I don’t share them to sound tough or look like some sort of badass. Instead I share because looking back I realize that those fights….all that physical contact was coming from pent up rage that I just didn’t know how to get out otherwise.

These days I know it’s not proper to beat people up…in fact a person can get in a lot of trouble for doing so (incase you didn’t know)…so instead (and this is the whole point of the stories above) I realize that I have learned to release my anger in binge eating. I know that sounds funny but it’s true. It’s no longer okay (as if it ever was) to bash someone’s face in, or to hit a wall, or to throw something out of anger. It’s not okay to harm others…so I found a new outlet… and strangely it involves harming myself. I eat and eat and eat…until the point that I’m sick…then I spend days dealing with eaters remorse…and all because I’m an emotional girl whose once again forgotten that solving one problem by creating another is NOT the answer to life.

So now what?! Now that I’ve discovered this about myself, now what do I do?!?! I think it’s time to find a new outlet…and honestly I think I want to try out boxing or kickboxing or some sort of martial arts. (It seems appropriate right?!?! Hee hee). Anyway, I’m going to do some research into making that happen but until then if any of you know of some good learning tools to help me out…let me know. Thanks.


Wednesday, November 18, 2009

one small step for man... one giant leap for my kind!

I’ve come to the conclusion that there is a running thread among women in general where we tend to give to EVERYONE else in our lives EXCEPT to OURSELVES. I see it in my friends…and in my co-workers… and Infact this has become the reality of MY life in the past year. The other day I was thinking about how stressed I am, how anxious I feel, How angry with life I am becoming and I realized that the happiest I’ve ever been was the year I lost 130lbs and put myself first….and how since then…somehow putting myself first has become almost like a “sin”. It seems everyone in my life needs something from me…and almost all of my relationships and interactions with people are about what people need me to do for them. And I always give it.

But...when did it become wrong to care about me…to take care of me… to put me first?!? Why do I feel so bad every time I do?!?! Well these are questions I’m trying to address with myself…and the first step was when about a week ago I was completely transparent with a co-worker and told her that I was really needing someone to talk to…and then today she walked in with a number for me…a number for a counseling center. I have been talking about going to counseling for months…I’ve actually found myself wanting to go in past weeks….but sitting here with a number in my pocket…it scares me. All I have to do is call the number and tell them what I need….and yet I find that one step so difficult. Why is that?!?! Ugh!


Monday, November 16, 2009

Mishaps and Misteps...

Remember the movie “Field of Dreams”? You know, the one with the famous line…”If you build it he will come”? I think if there was a movie created out of the day I just had, it would be called “land of broken dreams” and the quote of the movie would be… “If it’s there… I will eat it”! Ugh! Yes, it seems that the need for endless amounts of sweets in the break room is continuing for another week at my workplace and although last week I did really really good with staying far far away, this week…well this day…I’ve done everything but…and it’s so disappointing. Honestly, I think the difference is that last week I could look at see the calorie counts on the items and know right off the bat how much work I would have to put in to burn off whatever I ate. This week the sweets are all leftovers from a holiday bake off our staff had meaning there is no calorie counts… so I could pretend like the damage isn’t as bad. But the reality is…a calorie…is a calorie… is a calorie…whether or not you can read it on the box or not.

Anyway… after having such a bad day with food, I came home not really wanting to work out (go figure) and decided that instead of half-assing the same old same old routines I would mix it up and try something new in hopes that the “newness” of it all would get me excited to do. So I reached into my endless supply of workout videos and pulled out a “Prevention: Dance it off” video I got years ago but never really did. Within fifteen minutes of starting the video I remembered that the reason I never really did it is because I have two left feet. Seriously…this video was real dancing…and although I took dance classes as a little girl….any rhythm I ever had has gone completely out the window….and honestly I stunk… and it just wasn’t that fun (as sad as it sounds).

So I guess the best thing to do…is head to bed and wake up with a renewed commitment to myself and my health (cause after all my health is my responsibility and mine alone)!


Sunday, November 15, 2009

Out with the old, in with the new...

Hey Guys!

So it’s weigh in day and guess what?!?! I lost 6lbs this week! How awesome is that?!? And it’s totally not one of those fluke readings either because I checked in on my weight half way through the week and I knew I was going to be looking at a good number! But to sum up the past week, I would have to say it was the week of “Just do it”. As I showed you in my last post, I have a quote on my wall from bob harper that says, “just do it. Just stop talking about it and do it”! I am the queen of talking about getting back on track, and talking about getting up early to workout, and talking about watching my diet. This week every time I found myself wanting to cave in and just let my commitment be talk, I thought about this quote and about how it was time to shut up or put up….so I put up…. And I am proud of myself!

Well although it’s nice to revel in the joy of this past week’s success, with weigh in day also comes the start of a new week and this week my focus is going to be on finding new outlets to deal with my emotions besides turning to food. I have a very bad tendency to come home from work…be tired…and eat. Or to have an argument with someone… feel stressed…and eat. Food is always my go to resource cause it’s always there for me….I can count on it….and although I know ultimately binging is not going to get me any closer to my goals, in the moment it sure does seem to make me feel better.

So here are some things I came up with that I can do when I am feeling emotional and want to eat…

*I can Workout/Run

*I can journal

*I can call/text a friend

*I can blog

*I can drink water

*I can play a game

*I can work on a project

*I can brush my teeth

I am sure there are plenty of other things I can do in those situations as well….and I’m totally open to suggestion… so if any of you have any ideas feel free to share them with me.

Well off to get a move on with my busy night. I’ll be sure to keep you all updated on how this week’s progress goes.


Thursday, November 12, 2009

Motivation... Inspiration... Dedication...

Hey there!

So long time no post from me. Sorry about that. But this time it’s not cause I’ve fallen even further off the wagon and down the hill. Instead I have actually been doing really good with my diet (I haven’t gone over calories all week) and exercise (I’ve worked out every day since Saturday..) this week and expect to see a good number on the scale when I weigh in on Sunday. Now part of the reason I feel that I am doing so well is because I have a great partner in crime. Even though she doesn’t live with me or even in the same state, I feel like we are in this together and that when I slip she’s there to catch me and when she slips I’m there to catch her. I feel like we push each other to not just lose weight but to look at the emotional side of weight loss as well. Plus she inspires me to keep going and never give up….even when the results aren’t what I expect. What is more is that this person is probably the one person in my life right now who I know I can be completely real with and even in that (when I am most vulnerable) she still cares about me and stands by my side (even when it’s my ugly side..hee hee). That means more to me than life…so thank you Shelley!

Another thing that I think has been helping me a long in this journey is relying on the inspiration of others. Now don’t get me wrong, I do not believe that motivation cannot come from anywhere but inside of myself….but sometimes the words of others keep pushing me along. For that reason... I have quotes all over my wall… specifically directly in front of my dreadmill (see picture to right). Some quotes mean more to me than others…and on different days different quotes stand out…but none the less in my time of need (aka when I am running out of energy and want to quit) reading them inspires me to keep going just a little bit longer. Here are some of my favorites:

And finally I think that last thing that has totally helped me in this journey this week is that I’ve come up with my own mantra. In recent times I’ve used other people thoughts or ideas…believing it worked for them so it should work for me…honestly though…it really hasn’t. Then the other day I was running on the treadmill thinking about my body and where I’ve come from and something just clicked in my mind and I said to myself “Own it”….”Own your success”… “Own your Failure”… “Own your decisions”…”Own your life”! This journey is about me…it’s for me. It’s not to boost anyone else’s name, get anyone else’s attention, or even to prove something to anyone else. It’s about me…being who I want to be…and getting there on my terms … in my own timing. The success I have had isn’t because of anyone but me…and the times I’ve slid back into old habits are because of me too. This is my life…and life is what you make it…so my new mantra is to “Own it”!

Alright well three more days until my next weigh in… but hopefully I will post more before then.


Sunday, November 8, 2009

Timing is everything...

Hey There!

SO early mornings and I … we are not friends. I enjoy my sleep and lying in bed warm under the covers until the last possible second. I enjoy hitting snooze a million times and pretending that the five minutes of extra “sleep” really matter. I enjoy waking up to the light streaming in through the windows instead of getting out of bed when it’s still dark. So why in the world am I trying to form a new habit of getting up early to work out?!?

This has been the question on my mind for weeks as day after day I’ve slept through my alarm when I’ve promised myself to get up. But today I did it. I set my alarm for bright and early and got up for an early morning run before anyone else in the family was up… and honestly it was pretty worth it.

You see last week I only got in one work out all week….which sucked twice as much because my eating habits were out of control (the only thing that helped the situation was that for five days I busted my ass at work….working overtime most days… So I am pretty sure I burned off some extra calories…just not nearly all of them)! I can’t do that anymore. Not only do I have two and a half weeks until my next race, but in terms of my weight loss goals… this is not going to help me head in the right direction.

I read in an article recently that most working mothers find that mornings are their favorite time to work out because they have it done before the rest of the day can get in their way. The article also said that the hardest time is the first two weeks when you are trying to get your body accustomed to these morning workouts. This inspired me a bit and I’ve decided to try morning work outs for the next two weeks… just not every day (hee hee…come on a girl needs her sleep you know…plus I can’t just change overnight). So my plan is Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday morning to wake up early and get my workout in (leaving Monday, Wednesday, and Friday mornings to catch up on my missing sleep). My theory is….even if those where the only days I got a workout in (which believe me I plan to get in more than that), then including today I will still have worked out 4 out of the 7 days this week…and that’s a lot better than what I’ve been doing.

So luckily tomorrow I get the chance to sleep in…but Tuesday morning it’s all about getting up and working out…”before my mind figures out what my body is doing” (hee hee…stole that one from the article as well).


Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Hey Mojo....where'd you go?!?!

It all started this weekend when I fell off the wagon….there was drinking, and candy eating, and lots and lots of take out! Then yesterday was suppose to be the day I got back on track…day #1 all over again. I had grand plans to get up and run in the morning (since it’s light out then now) and then do my strength training when I got home from work (which I know is backwards but it’s dark when I get home and I’m really getting sick of the treadmill). I bought clean groceries and even set my calorie allowance for the week. Then my alarm went off yesterday morning and I was just too exhausted to even think about getting up (seriously… I could barely keep my eyes open enough to figure out how to reset my alarm). When I did get up (at the last possible second) I managed to make a really healthy breakfast and pack up my even healthier lunch (I’m trying out this volumetrics thing so my meals are lots of veggies…but I get A LOT of them). I worked my butt off at work (so much so that I missed my first break and had to eat my lunch and snack all at one sitting (volumetrics is great…but with other people in the room I looked like a pig!). Then I came home…and it’s like the bottomless pit in my stomach opened up and I could not stop eating. I had two chicken parm cutlets with 2 cups of wheat pasta….and then I made the deadly mistake of looking in the cabinet for more…and in a matter of an hour and a half I had eating like 8 iced oatmeal cookies (which is something like 160 calories for 2), at least 10 pieces of candy (which most candy is like 2-3 pieces for 160 calories), an entire bag of buttered popcorn (which my sister bought from the boy scouts for herself and totally convinced me to have…..and its 500 calories), and then I followed it all down with a vodka tonic (with God knows how many calories)! What makes that even worse is that by 9pm I was exhausted and had no energy so instead of working out to try and burn some calories I went to bed promising myself that no matter what I would get up this morning to run (and of course I didn’t get up cause even after 9 hours of sleep I was still absolutely exhausted that the thought of getting out of bed early made me want to throw up)!

So now I’m at a loss. I HATE the way I look and how I feel at the moment….I HATE it. Yet I feel like no matter what I do it’s never going to change. I gained 40 pounds in 6 months and since then I have struggled to lose the same five pound over and over and over again for about six weeks. I feel defeated….like I just don’t have the energy anymore to keep going around and around and around this mountain. Yet I’m not happy where I am at…so I need to figure out how to get my mojo back…cause I can’t stop… I can’t give up… I deserve more!


Sunday, November 1, 2009

Cure for the week two curse?!?!

Hey there!

So I might just have to pull a two-a-day with posting today in order to make up for my lack of posting the last few days. Then again maybe my lack of posting is just a reflection of my lack in other areas of my life the last few days. It seems for months now…no matter how much I say I’m not going to do it… I always fall for the week two curse! What’s the week two curse? It’s when for two weeks straight I do great with my weight loss…I’m eating right, exercising, feeling great. And then I weigh in for the second time…lose less than a pound or gain...and I’m derailed for days! Ugh!

I guess what it comes down to is feeling like no matter how hard I work I am never going to reach my weight loss goals. Then I start thinking about how Bad of an example I’ve become and how much of a failure I feel like…and before I know it I am doing everything I know NOT to do (like turning to food for comfort)! It’s frustrating….and I hate that I do it…so why can’t I stop?!?!

So the goal for this week is to lose 2lbs and to recognize and acknowledge everything I do Right along the way. I need to celebrate my accomplishments and start believing once and for all that I CAN do this!


Thursday, October 29, 2009

Wade in the Water...

Hey there!

So the last few days I have been thinking a lot about trust and how and why it’s such a difficult thing for me. Anyone who knows me on the surface level will tell you I’m this perky, happy-go-lucky, easy going, optimistic person. However…the few people in this world who REALLY know me…know the truth. I am a huge pessimist. I assume the worse in almost all situations and I expect things to fall apart. I know people will hurt me and I know I will disappoint them. And it’s really really really difficult to change that kind of of thinking…and move past it....but I’m determined to try.

Step one is to not allow my fears that I’m setting myself up to be embarrassed and rejected keep me back from forming new relationships with people who seem to be genuinely interested in getting to know me. Tomorrow morning I am suppose to go out clothes shopping with my co-worker/manager. At work we get along really well, but I will admit that at times I wonder if it’s really that we are getting along so well or that I’m na├»ve enough to think that someone five years older than me would really want to be my friend. In my mind I can create this whole horrible scenario where I invasion us going out shopping only for her to spring some kind of crash announcement or something on me that will totally make me see that I’ve been set up and that she doesn’t really care about me, which leads me to being completely embarrassed and eventually makes work suck so much that I am forced to quit. I know… I know…that’s most likely not going to happen, but these are the things my mind jumps to. So stepping out and going out is a HUGE step for me.

People talk all the time about how my only friends seem to be my family. The reality is…my family isn’t even let in all the way. I lead a very sheltered life. No I don’t mean that I haven’t experienced a lot in life…because I have. In fact because I’ve experienced so much I’ve become sort of an island….out in the ocean all alone. Sometimes I will swim out to see and enjoy the waves with others….and sometimes I might even head to land and face being an outsider. Hopefully someday I will get to the point where inviting people back to my land won’t be such a scary thing. Until then….it’s baby steps.

So yeah…not a very weight loss/ health oriented post…but one thing I’ve promised myself is that I wasn’t just want to go after physical health…I want to a be healthy and whole all around…and that includes mentally and emotionally. That means at times….these are the things I must address… and you all (my cyber friends) get to watch me tred the water. Interesting right?!?! Hee hee.

Night all.


Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Red lights...and flat tires...

Hey there!

Okay so day two of two a days didn’t go so well…in fact it didn’t go at all…but I am okay with that since I didn’t get to sleep last night until well after midnight and… well part of health is getting enough sleep. However I did stick to my guns and worked out tonight even though I would have much rather sat on the couch and watched the second half of Biggest Loser (although I did tape it and will get to watch it sometime between now and Friday). So basically my hour long workout consisted of a 25 minute video and 30 minutes of running for a grand total of 658 calories burned and a daily calorie deficit of 1243!!!

Anyway, today at lunch I was reading an article in health magazine and it had the greatest analogy ever…and so I just have to share it. However to preference this story, you must understand that I am completely the person who when I mess up on my diet my normal reaction is to say “Oh well I already screwed up I’m might as well throw in the towel today and start again tomorrow”. Now I’m a big fan of Jillian Michaels and I’ve heard her say before to think of your diet like a car and your binge as getting a flat tire. You wouldn’t get out and slash the other three tired just cause the one got popped so don’t allow your one bad choice to derail you completely (well…that’s the condensed version…and I certain don’t explain it as well as her). Well in this article I was reading today this woman was sharing how she too falls into the trap of “well I’ve screwed up, so why stop now” and this psychologist responded by saying…”If you ran a red light and got a ticket, would you say I’m such a terrible person I might as well run lights for the rest of the day”! And I couldn’t help but laugh out loud in one of those “wow how true is that” kind of ways upon reading that! The reality is it would be ridiculous to keep running red lights…just like it’s ridiculous to throw in the towel for making one bad decision in my day.

So here’s to not running red lights…and not slashing tires...hee hee.


Monday, October 26, 2009

Knowing what you want is half the battle...

Hey there!

So today was day one of two a day work outs and I have to admit…getting up was tough. In fact when my alarm went off I seriously sat in bed for an extra 25 minutes debating back and forth with myself about whether or not I should get up and work out or not. Luckily a friend of mine struck up a deal with me that we would both get up and work out this morning (even though we don’t live close to each other)…so knowing I was also accountable to her as well kept me from falling back to sleep. Plus I eventually realized how ridiculous it was to be laying in bed…not sleeping…and yet still not getting up. So I got up…and workout (even though I only had 30 minutes left to do so after all my debating).

Then tonight after work I worked out again. I started off with my normal circuit workout video routine and then I tried something new. Now...don’t laugh…. But I decided to try out something called “Cardioke” which is put out by Billy Banks Jr (The son of the tae bo guy.....there's a picture of the cover to the left). Basically it’s cardio dance moves and singing…and well anyone who knows me knows I don’t have any rhythm (therefore don’t dance) and I can’t carry a tune (thus don’t sing)….and so to say this was a stretch for me is putting it lightly. However…to be completely honest…it was really fun! And I burned more calories in 20 minutes of that then I did in either video I did today! So “cardioke”…check it out…it gets my two thumbs up!

On a different note…last night I created a of reasons why I wanted to lose weight (To go along with the list of all the things I want…which are both posted on the wall right next to my bed so I can read them the moment I get up). Here are the things I came up with:

*I’ll look better
*I’ll be more attractive
*I’ll have more confidence
*I’ll feel better about myself
*I’ll be able to wear a smaller size
*I’ll feel happier when I look in the mirror
*I’ll enjoy trying on clothes
*I’ll feel okay wearing a swimsuit
*I won’t feel so self conscious
*I’ll get more compliments
*I’ll feel better physically
*I’ll have more energy
*I’ll have more stamina
*I’ll feel more optimistic
*I’ll make a better impression on people
*I’ll be less inhibited by my body
*I’ll be open to physical contact
*I’ll like myself better
*I’ll be less self critical
*I’ll do more things in public
*I’ll put myself out there more
*I’ll take risks
*I’ll be happier
*I’ll be more comfortable around members of the opposite sex
*I’ll be more comfortable in crowds
*I’ll be less self-conscious at work
*I’ll be more comfortable eating in front of others
*I’ll be more apt to go after my dreams
*I’ll be more open to relationships
*I’ll be willing to face more of my fears
*I’ll do more things I never thought I could/would do
*I’ll feel more beautiful
*I’ll be more athletic
*I’ll be able to compete
*I’ll be healthier.

I think reading this every morning and keeping these lists in my mind throughout the day really will help me to stay on track when I really want to indulge (like when I stayed away from the chocolate peanut butter cake in the break room at work today). There is nothing like knowing what you want to help you know what steps you need to take to get there.


Sunday, October 25, 2009

Why's and Why nots....

Hey There!

So today was one busy day! I woke up, made breakfast, gave both my nieces a bath and got them ready for the day, got myself ready, went to the pumpkin patch with the family, came home and changed for a party, dropped the girls off at the babysitters, went to an anniversary party, picked up the girls, came home, went grocery shopping, put everything away, made my sister and I a snack…and now I can relax. If you had asked me about an hour ago if I was tired I would have told you exhausted….and yet now…not so much. Why is that?!?!

Here’s another “Why is that” for you?!?! Why is it that I can go through an entire day staying on track with my diet (even at the party I munched on salad and stayed away from the over buttered crap) and then late at night when I’m almost ready for bed, I give in and eat well over my calorie allowance?!?! Seems so stupid! Yet this is what I do when I am exhausted….give in to what’s easy instead of what’s best.

Anyway, we are getting into crunch time now….my co-worker and I are going out clothes shopping on Friday morning…and I really want to be feeling a little more comfortable with my body before doing so. So my plan is to pull two-a-days all week. Now to be honest I am the queen of saying I’m going to get up in the morning to work out and yet instead sleep in and miss the opportunity. However I’m hoping taking a cue from the first female winner of Biggest Loser will help me out. I recently read about the new book by Ali Vincent (Pictured right) is coming out in early November and in that article it talked about how every day on the ranch Ali would wake up and ring a bell while she repeated her mantra (“Believe it. Be it”) to herself). Obviously I am not her so my motivation has to be a little different…so what I’ve decided to do is paste a copy of my “I want” list on the wall next to my bed and let that be the first thing I read when I get up in the morning. What better way to get myself out of bed than to remind myself of everything I want.

I’ll let you know how it goes.


Friday, October 23, 2009

Dream a little Dream...

Hey Friends!

Sorry that I didn’t get time to write last night. My sister and I were in desperate need of some bonding time and that gave me just enough time to eat dinner and work out before we settled in for the night. Anyway, my workout the past two nights went pretty well. Last night I was in a hurry so I only got in a 55 minute workout, but I did burn 644 calories and ended the day with a calorie deficit for 831 calories. Then today, even though I was tired and did not want to work out, I did and in an hour and 5 minutes I burned 777 calories, leaving me with a calorie deficit today of 1312 (Cals in 1590/cals out 2920).

So last night I continued to take a look down the road of motivation and decided to continue working on my list of all the things I want in life. Turns out…a large portion of my list has little to do with fitness, which leads me to believe that I am right in thinking that my failure in my original weight loss journey was not addressing the internal work as intensely as the physical. I once heard it said that you can be a dysfunctional skinny person…and in a lot of ways I still believe that. I lost 130lbs being my dysfunctional self...and that needed to happen. But it’s the internal work….the vulnerability and fears that I didn’t address on the way to losing all that weight that impart lead me to putting back on 45lbs (thankfully now I’m on the road to losing again and can actually say that number is now 40lbs..Well a little less but we’ll just play devil’s advocate for now).

Anyway, they say that people who write down their goals are that much more likely to reach them….and I’m choosing to believe that sharing those goals only lead you to working that much harder to reach them. So here are the beginning stages of my list of things I want in life:

*I want to reach my goal weight of 160lbs
*I want to fit into my size 8 jeans
*I want to feel comfortable in my own skin
*I want to feel beautiful
*I want to get married and have kids
*I want to feel like I am good enough
*I want to be/feel loved
*I want to matter
*I want to make a difference in this world
*I want to be an athlete and compete in any competition I can
*I want to have friends who I feel I can trust and who trust me
*I want to be myself and be secure in that no matter who I am with
*I want to be a good example to the people in my life
*I want to stop letting people take advantage of me
*I want to stop worrying so much
*I want to feel like my family accepts me for who I am not what I do
*I want to be truly happy
*I want my spiritual, physical, mental and emotional life all working together perfectly at the same time

…yeah…so that’s what I have so far. I recently read an article written by Jillian Michaels (pictured at left) where she talked about motivation and how the best way to stay motivated is to identify, define and connect to your dreams because “Your dreams are your eternal motivation. They inspire us to your greatest heights, comfort us through hard times, and bring about the realization of our destiny. They are the first steps towards happiness and success”. So here’s to dreaming….again!


Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Everything is Numb3rs...

Hey There! Everybody Ready for a math lesson?!?! Don’t worry it won’t be hard! I actually don’t mind math too much…it very black and white with right and wrong answers, just the way I like things. Plus I was thinking this morning about how 1lb is 3500 calories, so it would probably be a good thing to know the math behind what numbers I’m seeing on the scale and the numbers I want to see. So let’s go…

Alright, so as it’s been explained to me your basil Metabolic Rate (aka BMR) is the amount of calories you body burns just to live…like to have your hair grow and to breath and what not. To figure out your BMR you add…

655 + (4.35 x your weight in lbs) + (4.7 x your height in inches) – (4.7 x your age)

So using that formula my BMR is 1770. Now I also work and my job is in retail so in order to figure out how many calories I burn during a working day I multiply my BMR by 1.2 to create my Active Metabolic Rate. For me that means on days I work I burn up to 2125 calories (give or take 100 calories for body mass, etc).

Knowing that information I have decided that each day at the end of my posts I will list my calculated AMR plus my calories burned while working out and then my calories consumed to come up with my calorie deficit for the day. SO here we go for today…

AMR: 1770
Workout: 970
Calorie Intake: 1220
Calorie Deficit: 1875

Night All.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Motivation to stop beating myself up!

I’ve been thinking a lot today about motivation…and the certain circumstances that have happened to me in the past few months that should serve as enough motivation to keep me on track…and yet haven’t. Situations like a customer at work asking me “When’s your baby due?” or my boss telling my co-worker I’m looking “porky”. You would think that moments like this would make me not only want to lose weight but also would keep me on the straight and narrow path in order to do so. Instead I find situations like this only serve as another thing to beat myself up with when I don’t do the things I know I should be. Like when I am so hungry and feel like I’m starving to death and yet I’ve eaten 1500 calories which is well over the 1350 I use to be satisfied with. Or When I know the best way to lose weight is through diet AND exercise and yet I’m dragging through workouts or skipping them. It’s situations like this that make me depressed and think…what the HELL is wrong with me! I have all the information I need. I know exactly what I need to do to lose weight…and YET I don’t CONSISTENTLY do it!


Honestly…the only thing I can seem to come up with is that…..yeah when I lose the weight I will feel better about my looks….BUT… I will still be ME. I’ll still be the girl who is awkward around new people and members of the opposite sex. I’ll still be the girl who gets walked over because I will do almost anything to make the people around me happy. I’ll still be the girl who just wants to be accepted and is scared to be rejected. This weight…it holds me back from being confident, stepping out in new things, and believing in myself. BUT I need to realize that losing weight isn’t going to be my life savior. I mean yeah it will help me live longer….but it isn’t a magic pill to change all the stuff I dislike about myself. I need to work on the inside too so that when I lose the weight again I won’t gain it back by emotionally eating and what not. Now the question remains….how do I go about this? Therapy? Journaling? With friends? All of the above?.............I’ll keep you posted..hee hee.


Monday, October 19, 2009

Creating a lasting plan for change...


So weigh in day is just a few days away (Wednesday) and I gotta say I have a bit of mixed emotions about it. On the one hand I am the queen of sneaking a peek at the scale throughout the week and so the fact that I have an idea that I’ve lost about 2lbs this week completely excites me. But on the other hand it feels like 2lbs a week isn’t enough for all the effort I put in (which really it is, but I’m use to dropping like 4-6lbs a week so 2lbs seems so little). I guess I should just be happy though… I mean I am losing weight even though in a lot of ways I am finding myself resenting the whole process of counting calories and working out and what not. Plus I’m working out on top of working 8 hour days and taking care of two little kids. This is real life…I deserve to be proud!

Anyway I’m trying to come up with some ways to keep my weight loss journey exciting, fresh and new. Here’s some ideas I’ve come up with…

*Constantly change up your work outs up

*Train for an event

*Try new foods

*learn to cook different meals

*bring a friend along on the journey

*Track your progress

*Shoot for a goal

And here is how I am trying to accomplish those things….

*I rotate my work out videos so that I do each one once a week. However I do run on the treadmill every night (well except for rest days)

*I’m training for the thanksgiving day road race, which since I’m running that with people who assume I’m the pro-runner I feel like I really need to work hard to do good at this (no pressure right)

*It’s hard to try new food cause I don’t do a lot of cooking with my work schedule, but on the nights I do cook it’s all about trying to be healthy and open to different things (if only my other family members were excited about this too…hee hee)

*Most people look up to me for answers on weight loss so staying on track should be easy just cause I don’t want to disappoint people…however I also enjoy knowing that my other co-workers and some friends are trying to get back on track together so we can all help each other and not feel so alone

*I started a new weight loss journal when I track everything from my feelings to food to workout info….plus I get to share some of that stuff on here

* My number one goal is to finally hit my goal weight of 160….but my current goal is 10lbs….we’ll see how close I am to that on way in day!

So it seems I have some sort of a start in terms of getting on track. I have taken steps in the right direction and I am setting the ground work for long term change. This makes me happy.


Friday, October 16, 2009

sometimes I need to scream....

I am a very family oriented person. In fact I have given up a lot for my family. When my BIL passed away I gave away my freedom and moved in with my sister to help her raise her kids. When I got a promotion at work I gave up school so that I could still help around the house. When my niece won’t sleep at night I give up my sleep to take care of her at night. And yet I live among a family who lives in a constant state of “nobody does anything for me” and thus nothing I do is ever good enough.

All day my sister has been super condescending to me. I’m about to start cleaning and she says “Oh well I Need you to go down stairs to bring up the windows that dad’s going to put in…and we have to clean them…but I have to work (which mind you she gives the girls baths while she’s “at work” and goes out to dinner while she’s “at work”) so you have to clean them!” (no asking…just telling). I clean the kitchen and she says “WOW she’s actually cleaning”. I finish both bathrooms she say’s “It’s about time…now you just have to do this every time you have a day off”. I order a calzone for dinner and she says “Are you sure? I don’t know…it’s a lot of carbs”!

But my number one favorite comment of the days from her (and I am totally being sarcastic here) is when we actually have this full out argument (with me crying because no matter what I say I am always wrong and she’s right)…an argument during which she tells me I have no common sense and I don’t do enough for her (which apparently is cause I didn’t clean the bathroom last week after she asked and because I don’t do anything after I come home from work…which just pisses me off cause she doesn’t do anything in the morning before I go to work) and then my nephew comes up to stop it (cause we happen to leave the baby monitor on and my parents, nieces and him were down stairs listening) she says “Well jess is just a really emotional person and takes everything personally, so I hate talking to her about anything”. And then she walks into the other room with him and starts complaining about me (which my nephew being the awesome person that he is just told her to stop because he didn’t want to hear it).

It just frustrates me because I never have good comebacks in the moment but then later after I think about it I do. For example…my sister telling me I have no common sense so of course she has to treat me like a two year old and tell me what to do. I want to be like…uh hello…common sense would tell you that when your baby is crying in the middle of the night and you can hear me in the monitor begging her to stop so I can sleep, that a good mom would come up and get her kid…not wait until I have to come ask you to take care of your child. Then to complain about how I do nothing when I get home…Hello, she gets up in the morning, takes a shower and works while I get up, get the girls up, make everyone breakfast, and get the baby ready all before I get ready for work…and she does nothing. Just because I go to work for eight hours while she’s home doesn’t mean that when I get home I should have to take over again (especially since she made the decision to stay home when originally it was suppose to be me who stayed home with the kids while she worked and she was the one who decided to change that).

I am just so upset with her right now. I don’t even want to talk to her. I even told her that I was going to start paying her $100 a week so that I am paying her rent and she can stop complaining that I don’t do enough for her considering she “Lets” me stay here (which is another thing that pisses me off because I could just as easily live with my parents, not pay rent, and have my own life back…and easier life…but I stick it out to help her out). What makes it worse is of course I am wrong in her eyes and she tells EVERYONE how she feels so of course people only hear her side and thinking I’m this big bad person for not helping her out more (I’m sorry you lost your husband…but hello I’m the ONLY one constantly here….you think that would count for something). Anyway… sorry I needed to vent….off to bed.


Wednesday, October 14, 2009



So I am reading this book called “Ruby’s Diary” about a lady who has a TV show on style network all about her massive weight loss journey. As you can probably tell I’ve never actually watched the show and really don’t know much about it or this woman…but from what I’ve read I really like her! Here’s a woman who is changing her life and inspiring millions of people along the way! That’s something I truly desire to do with my life…even though half the time I feel like I have no real outlet to really impact the amounts of people I would love to touch.

Anyway, in the chapter that I finished reading last night Ruby has this list of all the things that she wants in life….which got me thinking…what do I want? Honestly I’ve made a list like this before….a list where I just put it out there….everything I want….BUT I think even in my honesty, I forgot something. What I want more than anything in life is…. to feel beautiful. I don’t think I’ve ever truly felt beautiful. I’m not the most attractive person in the world (no matter what my weight) and although in part I do believe beauty come from the inside…I just wish I could be one of those “I have to take a double look because that girl is gorgeous” girls. The question is….if the point of making a list like this is to give yourself the motivation you need to figure out what steps to take it have them….then what steps do I need to take to be able to see the beauty I am?!?! Things to ponder…things to ponder…hee hee.


Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Life is a journey...


So remember how yesterday I was telling you how two of my managers and a co-worker of mine are now going to run the Manchester Road Race together?!?! Well today at work I found out that my manager has recruited another one of our coworkers to run with us as well! So we’ve all decided that we are going to make shirts and come up with a fun team name…and maybe even raise a little money for a charity for the race! I’m so excited and I kind of feel like in a way I’ve inspired my co-workers to run…and that make me feel so happy/blessed (I mean that’s what it’s all about right…paying it forward!)!

Anyway since today was day two of training, it was all about hill sprints for me (well that was after I did another one of Jillian Michaels videos….this time it was Max- Back in Action). I was very proud of myself though because yesterday I was doing just straight running and felt like it was really tough to be running at 4.0 (on the treadmill that is) and yet tonight I was running on a incline of 12.0 at 4.0 and felt like I could completely handle it (granted it was only 30 sec sprints…but hey I’ll celebrate where I can)! Plus you can’t help but feel like a bad ass when you are running up a hill (hee hee)!

One thing I keep reminding myself is that I don’t have to change everything over night. I think that’s one way I went wrong the first time through this weight loss journey. I felt like I HAD to drop the weight…and it had to be done as of yesterday. So I would force myself through these two hour workout sessions and force myself to extremes…and although I did drop the weight I kind of saw it as a race to the finish line. Now I realize that this will never be over and although I still want to drop the weight, I know it doesn’t have to happen overnight. I just need to keep taking one step after the other and eventually I will reach my goals. It’s about constantly moving forward, as you enjoy the journey….not just longing for the destination. Plus I think an attitude like this will really help me to learn a lot more about myself and that truly excites me.


Monday, October 12, 2009

Back to the grind....and bringing others along for the ride!


So today I walk into work and was greeted by two of my managers/friends with BIG smiles on their faces waiting to hear all about the race on Saturday (how encouraging is that)! So I told them all about it and showed them my medal (which is pictured with my race bib to the right)…and then we started talking about the Manchester Road Race (that’s the race I’m training for now which takes place on Thanksgiving Day). Over the weekend I had created a training program for one of the managers to prepare her for the race as well, since she had decided she wanted to run it too. So I pull out the plan and my other manager was like…”I always wanted to run that race but I don’t know if I can and I’ve never had anyone to run it with”. In about two minutes manger #1 and I had convinced manager #2 to follow the training plan as well and run it with us. And it turns out that another one of our co-workers is planning on running the race too, so we are all going to do it together (how fun is that)!

Well all of this meant that today was day 1 for training and although I am only two days removed from the ½ marathon, I was no longer sore so that meant I could jump back into things. Plus as if I needed anymore motivation to get back on track with my running and weight loss, I was told at work today that my store manager thinks I’m getting a little “porky” and “letting myself go” (isn’t that so horrible of her to say)! Now I will admit that I have gained back a good 40lbs of the 120lbs that I lost, but seriously…who likes to be called “fat” especially by their superior and behind their back! Anyway, that’s about all I needed to hear to set me straight for the day (I was even able to say no to pie in the break room and stuck to just 2 slices of pizza at dinner when I could have eaten the whole pie)!

Anyway…so yeah…my workout….I am a BIG fan of that at home workout which usually means doing some sort of video and then cardio. Today I did Jillian Michaels “shape-up front side” and then followed it up with a 2.25 mile jog on the treadmill (aka the dread mill...cause I much prefer to run outside). Let me just say that for as much of an athlete I would like to think that I am…that workout kicked my butt and although I could play it off that it’s just cause I’m sick…I’m not going to lie…in part it’s cause in a lot of ways I’m out of shape. But one thing I know, and had to keep reminding myself throughout the workout tonight, is that the more I do it the easier it will become so I pushed through and 865 calories burned later I was quite happy with my accomplishment.

Well for now it’s time for me to head off to bed. Night all.


Sunday, October 11, 2009

A New Day... another Goal


  I am a goal oriented person…so I constantly have to have something that I am working towards. For most of this year that goal has been to run the ING Hartford Marathon. Now that it’s over I’ve already begun looking to the next thing (is that wrong of me?!?!). So what’s next on the agenda you ask….The 73rd annual Manchester Road Race which takes place on thanksgiving morning. It’s a 4.75 mile race that is half uphill but definitely a lot of run (yeah I know…running up hill doesn’t sound fun but with all the bands, and people and fun costumes, one can’t help but enjoy themselves….plus then you don’t have to feel guilty for indulging at dinner that night…hee hee)!

Last year was the first time I ran this race and it took me 49:15 to complete it, which wasn’t bad considering it was only my second race ever and that I ended up having to run from shuttle bus (a mile away), pass the barriers, and the to the starting line (all the while watching the other racers speeding pass me in the opposite direction cause the race had already started). This year my goal is to try and shave 5 minutes off my time…and I have 6 weeks to do it. So starting tomorrow It’s back to the grind for me (so get ready for lots of posts about working out and grumbles of a love/Hate relationship with running from me).

But for tonite… I rest….and enjoy it (and maybe even indulge in some Ben and Jerry’s…hee hee).


Saturday, October 10, 2009

A change of heart...

Hey Friends!

So guess what?! I did it…again! I completed another 13.1 mile race (aka a ½ marathon) today. It’s so crazy to me to think that last year at this time I had just started running and had never even done my first 5k and here I am a year later having completed two ½ marathons in 6 months…hum….if we add them together then it’s kind of like I did a full right?!?!…hee hee.

Anyway I realized today that my mind is a funny thing. Last time I did a race like this I had all these expectations about what I could do and ended up finishing the race and feeling like I failed for not meeting those expectations. This time I had no expectations, except to finish, and when I did finish (even though it wasn’t the race I had planned to run) I was very proud of myself! Then of course there is the fact that last time I ran a half I expected to feel really sore afterwards and wasn’t, yet this time I assumed I wouldn’t be all that sore and I am. See…kind of backwards…but oh well.

So it seems that after all my blabbering and feeling bad last night…tonight I find myself feeling happy and accomplished…and already looking ahead to the next race (albeit a much shorter one).


Friday, October 9, 2009

The Race in my mind...


So tomorrow is the day…the day I face up to the promise/declaration I made way back in December….or well…at least half of it. See Last December I was feeling great, like I could do anything I put my mind to, and so I decided to make a New Year’s Resolution to Run the ING Hartford Marathon. I had grand plans to use the race to raise money for the American Cancer Society and to really honor the life of my brother in law (pictured to the left) who was struggling with the disease. Unfortunately in late January my Brother in Law passed away, and although I kept the hope alive that I would still be able to run this race for almost six months, by the time August came I knew I just wouldn’t be ready to take on the 26.2 miles. So I decided I would instead run the ½ marathon. I couldn’t very well quit on it all when I had actually raised some money and I certainly didn’t want to feel like a failure for not even trying. Yet the reality is…now that I sit here the night before the race realizing what this day could have been and what it isn’t, I do in a way feel like a failure. Honestly I’ve run a ½ marathon before (and I didn’t do as well as I had hoped) and so I should see this as a chance to redeem myself or something. Yet instead all can think about are all the people who are expecting that I’m going to run 26.2 miles and that I’m going to do great at it….when in reality I’ll be lucky if I make the 13.1.

How is it that I can take a great idea and a great accomplishment and turn it into something to be ashamed of and feel like a failure about?!?!

Your Nervous Friend


Thursday, October 8, 2009

And Introduction to Me...

Hey There!
My name is Jessica, I am 26 years old and I am what you could call a weight loss warrior. Okay, so I know what you are thinking. What in the world is a “weight loss warrior”?! Well for me it basically means someone who is in a fight for their life to lose weight and become the kind of person they were always wanted to be. It’s someone who celebrates the good times and continues to fight like hell in the bad times. It’s the type of person who knows full well that life is the about the journey, just as much as it’s about the destination. That’s the kind of person I am.
This is me (to the right) two years ago, weighing in at a whopping 290lbs (which is 20lbs shy of my heaviest weight of 310). I knew I was overweight and I knew I was unhealthy, but I didn’t know what to do in order to change it. Don’t get me wrong, I had tried plenty of “diets” but most didn’t work and those that did only last a few months and ended with me gaining back everything and more.
This is me (to the left) one year ago, weighing in at 170lbs (if you’re trying to calculate the difference, its 120lbs). I am proud of my accomplishment and even more proud that I did it on my own and in the old fashion way of eating right and exercising. In one year I learned more about health and wellness than I had ever known and was able to put all that information into practice to change my life. That is something that nobody in this world can take away from me.
But this is me (to the right) today (okay well the picture was actually taken a few weeks ago but you get the point). As you might be able to tell I’ve gained back some weight (or if we are being honest here more than some) and although I am nowhere near as obese as I once one I am certainly not proud of where I find myself these days.
The good thing is that I’m a warrior and I’m NOT giving up. So this is where it all starts again. This blog. This my way to work through everything I didn’t work through to begin with and my way of getting back on track and taking everyone I can with me. I don’t always promise to be happy and I won’t always have the right answers, but I am here to share my journey with as much honesty as I can to as many of you will read.
So thanks for tuning in.