Thursday, October 29, 2009

Wade in the Water...

Hey there!

So the last few days I have been thinking a lot about trust and how and why it’s such a difficult thing for me. Anyone who knows me on the surface level will tell you I’m this perky, happy-go-lucky, easy going, optimistic person. However…the few people in this world who REALLY know me…know the truth. I am a huge pessimist. I assume the worse in almost all situations and I expect things to fall apart. I know people will hurt me and I know I will disappoint them. And it’s really really really difficult to change that kind of of thinking…and move past it....but I’m determined to try.

Step one is to not allow my fears that I’m setting myself up to be embarrassed and rejected keep me back from forming new relationships with people who seem to be genuinely interested in getting to know me. Tomorrow morning I am suppose to go out clothes shopping with my co-worker/manager. At work we get along really well, but I will admit that at times I wonder if it’s really that we are getting along so well or that I’m naïve enough to think that someone five years older than me would really want to be my friend. In my mind I can create this whole horrible scenario where I invasion us going out shopping only for her to spring some kind of crash announcement or something on me that will totally make me see that I’ve been set up and that she doesn’t really care about me, which leads me to being completely embarrassed and eventually makes work suck so much that I am forced to quit. I know… I know…that’s most likely not going to happen, but these are the things my mind jumps to. So stepping out and going out is a HUGE step for me.

People talk all the time about how my only friends seem to be my family. The reality is…my family isn’t even let in all the way. I lead a very sheltered life. No I don’t mean that I haven’t experienced a lot in life…because I have. In fact because I’ve experienced so much I’ve become sort of an island….out in the ocean all alone. Sometimes I will swim out to see and enjoy the waves with others….and sometimes I might even head to land and face being an outsider. Hopefully someday I will get to the point where inviting people back to my land won’t be such a scary thing. Until then….it’s baby steps.

So yeah…not a very weight loss/ health oriented post…but one thing I’ve promised myself is that I wasn’t just want to go after physical health…I want to a be healthy and whole all around…and that includes mentally and emotionally. That means at times….these are the things I must address… and you all (my cyber friends) get to watch me tred the water. Interesting right?!?! Hee hee.

Night all.


1 comment:

  1. I hope that you get to enjoy shopping today and that you dont let you mind wander and think of horrible senarios.