Sunday, April 17, 2011

Insanity or growth....only time will tell....

  So I am trying to decide if I am being completely stupid or trying to grow up.  You see for the past several years one of my sisters and I have had a pretty strained relationship.  At one point in our lives we were pretty good friends, but then….well life happened…and now there’s a lack of trust and respect between the two of us.  Usually we keep our distance from each other and when moments come up when we have to come together…we do so with as much civility as we each can muster.
  Over the past several months I have been praying that God would change my heart towards her.  For years I prayed that God would just change her and then one day it dawned on me that it didn’t matter how my sister acted or what she did…I will always be held responsible for how I treat and react to her.  So that’s when I changed my prayer.  Most days I have to pray a million times over for God to forgive me for the anger and frustration I have towards her.  And at the same time I find myself asking God to help me to forgive her and to let the love I have for her, just for being my sister, come through.
  Today we had a family party…something that is pretty common in this house.  Yet what was not common about this party was how well my sister and I got along.  It wasn’t until hours into the celebration that I realized that I wasn’t feeling as tense and anxious as I usually am around her.  And it took my other sister pointing out the fact that I actually went out of my way to invite my sister to do a walk with me next month, for me to realize something was truly different.
  The reality is I love my sister….I always have and always will.  But…..there’s a part of me that worries I am setting myself up for a fall.  I know her track record…and I know mine….and the two of us together don’t really mix anymore….. And it seems that someone is bound to get hurt by this new found connection in our relationship.  One the other hand maybe this is all an answer to prayer….maybe this is proof of God working in my heart and really just an opportunity for me to grow.  Honestly I’m scared….but I am hoping for the best….I guess we’ll see what happens….

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