I once heard someone say that Christians don't tell lies, they just sing them to God in church. I never wanted that to be true of me, so I made up my mind years ago not to sing any lyrics in church that I didn't believe to be true. It was never meant to be a defiant act or to me make me look holier than thou. I simply just didn't want to lie to God....not in spirit and not even in song. Then today I was sitting in church skimming the lyrics to one of the songs we were about to sing and I realized maybe it's not so much that people are singing lies as much as they are voicing truths their hearts have forgotten somewhere a long the line. And so contrary to everything I've stood upon for years, I opened my mouth and sang the words "I am free" even though I wasn't feeling it. Honestly, I haven't felt very free as of late.....I know I have freedom in Christ and that through Him sin has no hold on me....But....well....lately....it feels like sin has been winning out and binding me up.
It all started a few weeks ago when I decided to change up my morning schedule in order to meet my friend at the gym before work (time I usual reserve for God and God alone). Before I knew it, I had gone a whole week promising to make time for God before hitting my head on my pillow at night but never once cracking my bible or offering up much of a prayer beyond "God help me". Then I got sick....a perfect time to just lay around and soak up in God's word....except by then I much preferred to soak up the non-sense of streaming TV on Netflix, which only continued into this past week when I spent most of my week on the couch recovering from a root canal. Today was actually the first day in weeks I've actually spent any real time with God....and although I knew I needed it (more on that in a moment)....it was hard, it seemed to take effort, and that makes me sad. Now my first response is to just cover this all up....act like it's no big deal....and pretend that me and God are so tight it's scary. But what does that accomplish?! Nothing! It's like cutting yourself and then pretending like you aren't bleeding....whether or not you want it to be seen, it's still there.
|(My scattered Sunday Morning Service Notes)|
I started realizing the "there-ness" of it all earlier last week, when I seemingly couldn't stop myself from having an attitude in almost everything I said. I blamed it on being tired and sick, but I knew there was something more there. Then this week, when I found myself constantly assuming the worst in people and thus choosing to push them away, I realised that my reactions had a direct correlation to the lack of time I've been spending with God. And then, as I sat in service this morning, pretty much debating every word that came out of my pastors mouth, I new I had a problem and needed to spend some serious time with God.
Why does it work out like that?! Why do I always turn into such a jerk when I am distant from God?! Probably because those are the few times in life when I feel like I am the center of the universe....I'm right and everyone else is wrong, my feelings and wants are what are most important, life is all about me! What a bunch of baloney! But it's only in God's presence that I am reminded of the reality that life is really all about Him and for His glory. So today I repented....to God....to some people....and now on here. I need God. And I know when I take the time to rest in Him and turn to Him, then I can confidently sing the words my heart has forgotten...."I'm Free"!