Lately I have been feeling kind of lonely. Not that I don't have people in my life...I do! It's just...I feel....distant....or at least unable to fully connect. And it's not with everyone...in fact I've been overwhelmingly surprised by they people who have really stepped up to be friends with me and those who have seemingly chosen to take a step back...but...yet....still...I feel separated....or maybe just separate. And honestly...I don't know if this is a God thing or a me thing!
The Bible says in Matthew 7:13, "Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through It". I want to believe that I am on the narrow road heading to the narrow gate and thus I'm walking with the few...and therefore it's obvious that I would feel this sense of loneliness. I even googled it and the amount of pastors and missionaries and people who are involved in ministry that say they have experienced this sense of "loneliness" that I am feeling is pretty high.
So maybe this is normal. Maybe this feeling of not quite fitting into this world is just an outpouring of trying to live for a kingdom not of this world. Maybe this longing I have that I can't explain for something beyond what I experience in the here and now, is just the reality of longing for God. For even C.S. Lewis, the great Christian writer, said, “If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.”
But...there's also this part of me that thinks I sound crazy in talking like this....like the problem is really in me and I'm just trying to justify it with words from scripture and scholars. Maybe that's true....I've been known to push people away when I think I might be hurt by them and the fact that I'm leaving in a few months means I'm possibly setting myself up for the hurt of saying Good-bye. So I could be alienating myself a head of time. Yet... as I said above...I have people in my life....people who care and spend time with me and show me love in the way I best except it....and people who allow me to do the same for them.
So what's the deal?! Do I need to change or accept this is life? Should I learn to walk in the loneliness or do I need to try harder to crawl out of it? Is it me or is it God? .....Guess I need to spend more time on my knees!