This past weekend I
had the privilege to attend the Women of Faith Conference in Hartford
Connecticut. Now for me, a lot of times
these types of conferences tend to be a time where I am just reminded of God’s
love for me. You see, it seems no matter
how hard I try not to, life always has a way of clouding that issue for me and
I forget that God calls me His beloved.
So heading into this weekend, I pretty much had the expectation that this is what would happen, even
though for the past several months I’ve had no doubts about this truth.
Well as the weekend
drew closer, I felt a strange excitement welling up in me. It was as if I knew there was something I
needed to hear and God was going to speak it to me during this conference. There were so many obstacles in just getting
to the “bus stop” for the conference (from ticket issues, to lost keys, to not being able to find
my favorite shirt...hee hee), that there was definitely a part of me that felt
like that only confirmed that God really did have something for me, and the
devil really was trying to keep me from hearing it (a thought that I don’t normally
really turn to, but seemed pretty appropriate this time around).
Friday morning, we
arrived in the arena and found our seats and I put on my tiara (something our
group leader decided we all should wear so that we could identify all the
ladies in our large group… and as a symbol of the fact that we are “daughters
of the king”). To be honest, I didn’t
want to wear it. I felt like people might
look at me and think “Who does she think she is?!?! “. My insecurities about the whole thing
actually only solidified for me my belief that obviously God was going to speak
to me about the fact that I am his “Beautiful Beloved”. As the speakers began, I listened so
intently, jotting down notes here and there, hoping not to miss what God was
going to speak. And as the afternoon
passed into evening, and then the night ended, I felt this strange sense that
God had done what He needed to do, but since it wasn’t where I had expected, I
had no idea what it was.
Saturday morning, I
woke up and as we headed back to the arena I honestly wasn’t expecting anything
else from God. I felt like He had done His
work and even though I couldn’t put my finger on what it was, I was satisfied
with it. All day I listened to these
very touching stories that just seemed to only confirm in me the belief that
God truly is for us. And I went home
celebrating in the knowledge that I am God’s and He is mine.
That night before
bed, I quickly read through my notes and
saw something that I had jotted down that don’t even remember hearing anyone
say that first day. On the top of the
page, in big bold letters, under the heading of Dr. Henry Cloud, I had written….”You
weren’t designed to be your own source”!
Now if any of you have been following my blog over the past several
weeks and months, you know that God has been speaking to me a lot about
surrender and giving Him all control. I
don’t like to trust other people, to hand over the reins. I want to be in control so I can make sure
that things go as I need them to in order to get what I think I need (as if I
really have that kind of power)! For me,
this statement was a big, glaring, Ah-ha!
A light shining in the place of heart that says I have to get it all
together, do it all right, make things happen, put on the show, take care of it
all! Here was God saying to me….I AM
your source…..I AM your EVERYTHING.
I can’t really
explain it….I almost hate moments like this for that reason…Moments that feel
so profound but yet don’t come with the words that allow me to truly express
what it means in my heart to anyone else!
The best way I can try to explain it is that it was like a momentous sigh
of relief….a release….like a load was lifted off my shoulders (moments like
this make me understand why the writers in the bible always use similarities to
describe Jesus, God, the Spirit, Heaven).
I didn’t need to hear that God loves me, that He sees me, and that I’m
His Beloved. I already knew that! What I needed was to KNOW He is my center, my
rock, my strong tower….and I am anchored to Him forever!
