This past weekend I had the privilege to attend the Women of Faith Conference in Hartford Connecticut. Now for me, a lot of times these types of conferences tend to be a time where I am just reminded of God’s love for me. You see, it seems no matter how hard I try not to, life always has a way of clouding that issue for me and I forget that God calls me His beloved. So heading into this weekend, I pretty much had the expectation that this is what would happen, even though for the past several months I’ve had no doubts about this truth.
Well as the weekend drew closer, I felt a strange excitement welling up in me. It was as if I knew there was something I needed to hear and God was going to speak it to me during this conference. There were so many obstacles in just getting to the “bus stop” for the conference (from ticket issues, to lost keys, to not being able to find my favorite shirt...hee hee), that there was definitely a part of me that felt like that only confirmed that God really did have something for me, and the devil really was trying to keep me from hearing it (a thought that I don’t normally really turn to, but seemed pretty appropriate this time around).
Friday morning, we arrived in the arena and found our seats and I put on my tiara (something our group leader decided we all should wear so that we could identify all the ladies in our large group… and as a symbol of the fact that we are “daughters of the king”). To be honest, I didn’t want to wear it. I felt like people might look at me and think “Who does she think she is?!?! “. My insecurities about the whole thing actually only solidified for me my belief that obviously God was going to speak to me about the fact that I am his “Beautiful Beloved”. As the speakers began, I listened so intently, jotting down notes here and there, hoping not to miss what God was going to speak. And as the afternoon passed into evening, and then the night ended, I felt this strange sense that God had done what He needed to do, but since it wasn’t where I had expected, I had no idea what it was.
Saturday morning, I woke up and as we headed back to the arena I honestly wasn’t expecting anything else from God. I felt like He had done His work and even though I couldn’t put my finger on what it was, I was satisfied with it. All day I listened to these very touching stories that just seemed to only confirm in me the belief that God truly is for us. And I went home celebrating in the knowledge that I am God’s and He is mine.
That night before bed, I quickly read through my notes and saw something that I had jotted down that don’t even remember hearing anyone say that first day. On the top of the page, in big bold letters, under the heading of Dr. Henry Cloud, I had written….”You weren’t designed to be your own source”! Now if any of you have been following my blog over the past several weeks and months, you know that God has been speaking to me a lot about surrender and giving Him all control. I don’t like to trust other people, to hand over the reins. I want to be in control so I can make sure that things go as I need them to in order to get what I think I need (as if I really have that kind of power)! For me, this statement was a big, glaring, Ah-ha! A light shining in the place of heart that says I have to get it all together, do it all right, make things happen, put on the show, take care of it all! Here was God saying to me….I AM your source…..I AM your EVERYTHING.
I can’t really explain it….I almost hate moments like this for that reason…Moments that feel so profound but yet don’t come with the words that allow me to truly express what it means in my heart to anyone else! The best way I can try to explain it is that it was like a momentous sigh of relief….a release….like a load was lifted off my shoulders (moments like this make me understand why the writers in the bible always use similarities to describe Jesus, God, the Spirit, Heaven). I didn’t need to hear that God loves me, that He sees me, and that I’m His Beloved. I already knew that! What I needed was to KNOW He is my center, my rock, my strong tower….and I am anchored to Him forever!