I love to read…totally a statement I never would have thought would have come out of my mouth about ten years ago, but is totally accurate in the here and now. However there is usually so much I want to read that most books either end up on my “To read” list or join the pile that sits on my night stand for months while I spend an hour or so each night reading a few pages from each until they are all complete. Every now and then though, I come upon a book that grabs my attention and doesn’t let go until I finish it….which usually only takes a few days! I came across such a book the other night, when I decided at bed time to start reading Michelle Aguilar’s book “Becoming Fearless” before going to sleep. Let’s just say in the past two nights I haven’t gotten much sleep as I’ve stayed up way past my bed time reading her story like it was a letter from a long lost friend.
Now I don’t know Michelle and I will probably never meet her, but like hundreds of other American’s I watched part of her story unfold during the 6th season of the Biggest Loser and I guess for that reason I already felt some sort of connection with her before even picking up the book. Plus a few months ago I watched almost every video on the “I am Second” web-page and after seeing her story felt even more connected in knowing that she is my sister in Christ. But her book brought that whole feeling of connection so much deeper for me.
If you’ve followed my blog for any length of time then you know that not only do I talk a lot about my faith, but I also originally started this blog to talk about my weight loss journey. But I’ve never been quite able to reconcile both into one blog post. The two things have always felt like completely opposite ends of the spectrum (looks and vanity on one side with God and self-less-ness on the other). Reading Michelle’s book opened my eyes to the very real connection between both.
You see, Michelle’s book helped me to see that my faith in and commitment to God should and does infiltrate every aspect of my life….not just the spiritual, mental and even emotional parts, but also my physical being. Everyone knows that when you are severely over weight those extra pounds represent more than your love of food. In fact carrying excessive weight is an obvious sign that there is something powerful and overwhelming hard going on in someone’s life that they can’t quite get a grasp on…which is why they turn to food in the first spot.
For me, my weight has always been kind of like my shield….it keeps people at bay and allows me to sort of reject them before they can reject me. And as I have shared in other posts, for most of my life my faith walk has been all about saying and doing all the right things….my fool proof plan for making people and God accept me! Yet when I strip that all away….all the opinions of man and trying to be all things to all people and even trying to prove my worthiness to God…..I realize what I’ve really tried to be is God! Instead of just resting in Him…trusting Him….leaving my life in His hands…I’ve demanded the reins and tried to captain my life in a way that protects myself. But God has so much more for me! I know….I sense it….I’ve felt Him drawing me to it even over the past few months and years as He’s flipped my world upside down.
I am accepted and loved by God…GOD! The one who create the whole world and holds time in his hands….the one who brought me to life and has formed my inner-most being….the one who sees into the depths of my soul, with all my questions and doubts and wrongs…that God, he loves me! So why do I spend so much time trying to get others to do the same?!?!?
I think that I’m starting to come to terms with this….to realize that I don’t have to be in control anymore…I don’t have to live a set way or be perfect to get people to accept me….I can relax and let the weight of the world fall off my shoulders and into the very hands of my God. And although that may seem like it has no connection to weight loss, it has everything to do with it for me! You see, not having to control my own life anymore….not having to try and make everything work out as I think is best, means I don’t have to spend my days protecting myself anymore…I can let my shield down (or in this case lose the weight) and not pick it up again because God’s my shield! So thank you Michelle Aguilar for sharing your story so openly and for allowing God to speak through you! Your story has surely allowed the door to open for God to continue His work in me! I am greatly appreciative!