You ready for this?!....Cause I am about to get real open and honest on here...and well...it could...Scratch that, it WILL.... get ugly! So if you're one of those people who only like it when people leave their "Christian" face on....aka the kind of person I've been for most of my life and still struggle to not be even now....well then, you might want to turn your head! And, just so you know... I'm not sharing any of this to get a reprimand or to get an encouraging hug.....but I'm being honest with my sin, because I believe when you bring it to the light, sin loses it's power! SO... now that all the disclaimers have been made and you've all been pre-warned....let's get down to the nitty gritty!
The other day I was driving around with a friend, helping her get some important things done and she basically called me out for being a "people pleaser". Now...I honestly don't think she meant anything by it...it wasn't even said in a tone meant to call me out...but it did...because it's true...and that bothers me...A LOT. In fact I am so bothered by it that even though it's six day since her comment was made, I found myself lying on my floor this morning crying to God about it... because that's NOT who I want to be! The desire of my heart is to live to please God...and everything I say and everything I do should point to that...and nothing else....but clearly it doesn't! So why not?!?
Well...and this is where my I take off my mask...honestly....I think it's because I still care more about what other people think about me then what God thinks of me! I hate to admit that. In fact I pretty much hate admitting any of my faults to people....and I hate even more when people can pick them out without me saying anything...which pretty much only goes on to prove my point even more! I want people to think well of me...I want them to like me....I want them to think I am important....and so I live my life like I am perfect. But eventually the truth comes out.....and I get caught in a lie or I spew out out hatred in the midst of my anger or I gossip about someone whose hurt my feelings instead of just going to that person....and before I know it I am crushed, because now people see....now people know...I am a sinner.
If I actually lived my life....day in and day out...seeking to please God and longing only for His approval and His alone....then this wouldn't happen! If I lived out each moment .in the knowledge that despite who I am and despite what I have done, I am completely and wholly loved by God... then my sin wouldn't get the best of me! Cause the thing is.....God already knows the depths of my heart....He knows the evil thoughts and wrong motivations that grow in the dark places of my soul....He knows the struggles I have with sin.....and while He can't ignore it by saying it's okay....He's covered it...ALL of it...with the blood of Jesus! God...who is the ultimate friend....looked at my life...saw all my sin....all the hurt I've caused and all the pain I've ignored...and He sent His son to pay for it....so that now I can come to Him and be the pleasure of His heart! So why do I still find myself looking to other people for the approval I already have in HIM?!?! Christ is enough! Today I repent and place all my hope back on Him! Thank you father. Amen.