There is a story in the Bible where Jesus is preaching to His followers and He gives them a hard teaching, causing many of them to turn away and no longer follow Him. After so many people desert Him, Jesus turns to His 12 disciples and asks "Are you going to leave me now too"?. Simon Peter replies to Him.."Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God.”
This week I feel like I could almost voice those same words. I don't really know how to explain it....words seem to fail me when deep stuff is going on in my heart.....but the past few weeks I've been struggling....at least when it comes to my faith. I believe in God....I know He is real...all my hope is in HIM....and there is nobody else to turn to. Yet......I feel dirty, unworthy, incapable and unacceptable....and like I have no right to come to the Father!
Now logically, as a Christian, I know this is NOT true! I've been preaching to myself for weeks now about how because of the blood of Christ I am forgiven, justified and sanctified.....holy and blameless in the eyes of God! I am grateful for this..... Thankful for this....know this is my ONLY hope! And yet I'm struggling to walk in it.
I go to church....or listen to our current sermon series online....and think about the high calling God has placed on all of our lives....how He's called us to be perfect and set a standard of living that is so high none of us can obtain it except through Him. And then I feel this despair come over me, because I know I don't live like this....I'm so far off the mark....and I begin to wonder what's wrong with me that I can't seem to allow God to live all this through me.
And...to be honest....I guess a part of me knows I'm missing the whole point of these sermons....that at some point I chased a bunny off the trail and got lost trying to catch it. But I can't help it.....I feel like I'm suppose to GET THIS....like I'm suppose to be a Christian who understands the fundamentals of faith...and isn't this fundamental?!?! Why is this, for me, such a hard teaching....showing me just how wrong I am and making me feel like I will never get it right!?! I feel strapped to God's operating table once again...with His inspecting lights shining down on me...and it's uncomfortable....and I don't like it one bit!
And YET...the truth of the matter is....no matter how uncomfortable things get, no matter how much I don't understand or how Dirty and unacceptable I feel.....I find myself clinging desperately to the very thing that scares me the most in this moment....the very heart of Jesus. Because even though I feel like I'm covered in Mud, with cuts and bruises all over me and bones broken before Him, I know He is the healer...and I know He is the one who can make sense out of this chaotic misunderstanding...and I know HE is my only Hope! To Him I cling....Amen.