The other night at my community group we were discussing worrying and the question was posed, "What are the worries that keep you up at night". For most people it's money....and for some others it's lack of control....for me it's probably a little bit of both those things but also another....which I discovered last night.
As some of you know I am planning on joining Operation Mobilization as a missionary to Ecuador sometime in the coming months. Last night I received an email from them which involved me having to do a few more things before being sent to the field, after already being given the green light to prepare, and it basically felt a little like a step backwards for me.
I sat in bed trying to fall asleep and just kept thinking it all over and over and over again and realized while I was not concerned about how things would work out or even about any of the extra work I had to do, I was very concerned about what others would think about me having to push back my leaving date. I was worrying over whether people would understand, if people would still support me if I ended up having to leave later and if people would think bad of me for saying one thing and having another happen.
I was up for hours stressing about how I could changed things and if I could make people understand without thinking bad of me. And then in the midst of all my worry, it was like God asked me...."If you're really doing this for the glory of my name, then why are you so concerned about your own reputation"!!! OUCH...
I can't even begin to explain how dirty and sinful and wretched I felt in that moment when I discovered that here I was taking something so "of God" and making it all about me! It's like 200x worse than that moment when you discover your fly is down after talking in front of a whole crowd, or finding a piece of food in your front tooth after talking to a really cute guy! It's just mortifying!
I felt undone standing before a Holy God, understanding in that one moment that I am more sinful then I could ever understand...and how I use the things of God for my own Glory instead of allowing God to use me for His! And in that one moment I understood what Isaiah must have felt like when he said, "Woe is me. I am undone"!
I woke up this morning completely humbled....confident in God, but humbled that in spite of the fact that I seem to be more concerned about people thinking well of me than in trusting in God's plan, that He has still called me, chosen me and will use me!
Thank you God that you don't treat me as my sins deserve and that you are not surprised by my failings! Thank you that you see my willingness to serve you and never give up on me! Thank you that every day you are showing me how much more I need you and for taking the time to conform me more and more into your image! Continue your work Lord until all I am is truly yours. Amen!