I use to struggle with sharing my sin. Not that I enjoy it now....but...I guess I am starting to understand it better now. I seem to be realizing more and more how bringing things into the light takes the power away from any situation or sin. And I think in turn I'm growing up and maturing just a little bit more.
I guess my biggest fears in sharing my sin have always been that people will judge me or call me out on it....in both cases my reputation is the thing that is tarnished. But lately I have been having these brief moments of clarity....these fleeting times where in the midst I am able to see life and myself clearly...and in that I find power to be who God says I am.
I know that sounds funny (and maybe a bit confusing)....but the truth is...when I really think about it, I see the freedom in being a slave to Christ. I use to see my religion as a list of do's and don'ts and I would find myself so frustrated at the end of the day because of how imperfect and far away from that goal I got on my own. But lately I've been sensing this reality that it's okay to fail and not get it all right in my own strength...in fact maybe that's even the point...because it's only when I realize how much I sin and fall short, that I really take the time to seek God and call out to Him.
My sin points out my need for a savior. I see it in my interactions with people I can't seem to get a long with, even though I am called to love them. I see it in the moments I care more about my own acceptance than the heart of my friends when I tell them what I know they want to hear instead of the truth. And I see it when I get angry and frustrated because I didn't get my way or what I was expecting.
When I admit these things about myself and speak of them freely...it's not that I am sucumming to them...I'm not giving up and saying oh well this is who I am. Instead I think in sharing my struggles I'm allowing people to hold me to a standard of improvement and I am admitting that in order to change I need the grace of God.
It's safer to say I'll make it on my own...I don't need anyone or anything....but I think it's in community and among friends that God can really open up our hearts and do the deep inner work in us. When we stop hiding in the shadows and pretending like there is no problem, God can take his examining light and shine it in such a way that he can do the most intricate work in our lives. And that...I think...are the exact moments he uses to make us more and more like Him.