Friday, June 28, 2013

Unfounded Fears and the Memories Behind them...

  When I was a little girl, my best friend lived just four houses down the street.   We were a year or two apart in age, but when we played together....which was all the never seemed to matter.  My friend also had an older brother who was in high school, he played on their baseball team and every week her and her family would travel to where ever his away game was and cheer him on.
  One day my friend asked if I wanted to come along with her family to one of his games.  The particular game she was inviting me to was an away game, over an hour away, and at night (they were going to play under the lights).  Having been an avid baseball player myself at that time, I of course wanted to go and ran home excitedly to ask my parents for permission.
   I remember walking the short walk from her house to my house, practicing the speech I would give that I was sure would convince them that I had to go to this game!  I walked in the door and immediately asked my dad his opinion since I knew he was always more lenient than my mom and that if anyone would say yes it would be him.  Unfortunately, his response was his typical "Go ask your mother" speech and after several unsuccessful tries to convience him that he should make this decision alone....I went off to find my mom.
  My mom of course listened to my requested and my list of reasons why I thought she should say yes....and then...when I could no longer think of anything else to say....she said "Not on a school night"!  I tried to stay calm and reason with her that one late school night wouldn't kill me and that I needed to go for "educational" reasons (afterall I was a ball player myself), but she stood firm....I could not go because it was a school night.
   What I did next will live down in infamy as one of the gutsiest stunts I ever tried to pull off in my childhood life.  I looked my mom squarely in the eye, told her I understood exactly what she was saying and that I would obey....and then I walked out the door, down the street, into my best friends car and drove off with her family telling them my parents had no problem with me going!
  Everything was great about that night....our team own, I got to try all types of stadium food, and my friends brother even told me I was his favorite fan of the night!  Then I got home and walked in the door at eleven something at night...aka well past my curfew and bed time....and found my frantic angry parents waiting for me!
   They had been worried sick about me....this was before everyone had cellphones so they couldn't just call my neighbor and find out if I was with for the last several hours my family had been searching the neighborhood and calling everyone they could think of to find out where I had gone.  In the back of their minds was the possibility that I had gone to the game anyway, but neither of my parents wanted to believe I would disobey them so out rightly, but now that it was apparent  I had, they were angry to the tenth degree.
  I remember my dad marching me upstairs that night, kicking my sister out of our shared bedroom, closing the door, and giving me a spanking that reminded me for weeks after, never to disobey like that again.  I also remember while my dad was punishing me...he was crying....real solid bonified tears.  Now I've only seen my father cry a handful of times in my life, so that's probably why it stands out to me....but also it gave me a real sense that my wrong had hurt him as well....and that was a much worse punishment than any spanking he could of given.
  Flash forward 25 years or so...I find myself once again excited to step and do some thing I think it great....and while I have all sorts of reasons as to why my parents should feel the same, they have some trepidation.  And once again I find myself listening to their concerns all the while knowing in the back of my head, no matter their feelings on the matter...I'm still doing it!  I'm not a little girl any more...I don't need their permission...and while I would like there matter what, I'm going to walk out that door and metaphorically "go to the baseball game".  I just worry that when the games over and I come back home...I'll find them once again frantically waiting on the other side of the door, stressed and hurt by my choice...and that's a scary thing!
  Anyone else still stuck in that cycle of wanting to please your parents even though you're an adult?  How do you break it?  Do you ever really stop caring what they think and longing for their acceptance of your decisions?  Any advice or thoughts would be appreciated =)

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