I have been struggling to blog so much lately...and it's really starting to bother me! I started this blog several years ago as a way of sharing my weight loss journey, and while over the years it's morphed into a place where I now share a more important journey…my spiritual journey.., I've kept it going because it's always been such a place of release for me....somewhere where I can just share what I am thinking and how I am feeling, without having to worry about what the immediate reactions of others might be or how people might view me. There’s an anonymousness of being able to share on here that takes away the fear I feel in doing so in real life….and I like that.
But lately....that’s all been changing and instead of the freedom I’ve come to enjoy in writing, I’ve found myself constrained… second guessing what to write and worrying about how people might take the things I say. It’s like the very thing I've loved about having this blog is slowly fading away....and I think I might have discovered why.
You see, in my mind I have this idea of who I am supposed to be....not just as a person, or a Christian...but as a future missionary. I feel like missionaries…..or really anyone in ministry…are these put together people, who are talented and capable and ready to take on the world. They have their faith journey figured out….know exactly what they believe and don’t believe about God and his calling on their life…and they trust God completely in everything that they do. There’s no hidden worries, doubt, or fears…there’s no self-centeredness or self-concern…there’s no inner struggle or personal demons to work through. They just know God has called them and in that they boldly step out in faith without any sense of failure. It’s all so picture perfect!
And obviously I know not ALL of that is true! Missionaries aren’t perfect and they struggle…In fact I just finished reading this book about a missionary from Papua New Guinea who shared throughout the story her own struggles with her calling, and her relationship with God, and how different God’s plan looked being lived out compared to how she had imagined it! But I can’t help but have this idea…this standard in my head…that now that people know I feel called to missions, I’m supposed to live up to.
And that’s where the problem comes in….because I know I don’t live up to that standard….in fact I’m nowhere close it. I don’t feel qualified….I’m not all that talented….I don’t like to stand out…. I struggle to find my place in the body…I doubt God sometimes….I don’t understand everything in the Bible…..I still don’t fully grasp this concept of grace…I’m still learning who God is….I wonder why God would ever choose me….and there’s a whole mess more I could share…but I think you get the point!
So when I come on here to write….to share and work through some of these thoughts and feelings…I start to type out the words and realize that if I’m going to be honest on here and say things like what I started to say above…then….I’m basically proving to the world how much I’m failing to be who it is I’m saying I’m called to be. In fact I seem to be saying….look at me, I don’t measure up….see all the ways I’m not qualified…and how incapable I can be! It’s scary to admit that….even through the computer screen….especially when I know the very people reading this are the people I’ll be counting on to support me as I pack up and ship out to live out this calling!
I don’t know if that makes any sense…..but basically, I’ve been struggling to blog because blogging is a place of honesty for me…and…well…I fear in being honest and sharing my struggles, I’m giving people reasons NOT to support me! But if I am not honest in my writing then it basically defeats the whole purpose of this blog to begin with….so it’s all pretty much a catch 22…and I’m not sure what to do!
Why can’t it just be easier to fake it until I make it?!?!