I have been struggling to blog so much lately...and it's really
starting to bother me! I started this blog several years ago as a way of
sharing my weight loss journey, and while over the years it's morphed into a
place where I now share a more important journey…my spiritual journey.., I've
kept it going because it's always been such a place of release for me....somewhere
where I can just share what I am thinking and how I am feeling, without having
to worry about what the immediate reactions of others might be or how people
might view me. There’s an anonymousness
of being able to share on here that takes away the fear I feel in doing so in
real life….and I like that.
But lately....that’s all been changing and instead of the freedom I’ve
come to enjoy in writing, I’ve found myself constrained… second guessing what to write and worrying about how people might take the
things I say. It’s like the very thing
I've loved about having this blog is slowly fading away....and I think I might
have discovered why.
You see, in my mind I have this idea of who I am supposed to be....not
just as a person, or a Christian...but as a future missionary. I feel like
missionaries…..or really anyone in ministry…are these put together people, who
are talented and capable and ready to take on the world. They have their faith journey figured out….know
exactly what they believe and don’t believe about God and his calling on their life…and
they trust God completely in everything that they do. There’s no hidden worries, doubt, or fears…there’s
no self-centeredness or self-concern…there’s no inner struggle or personal demons
to work through. They just know God has
called them and in that they boldly step out in faith without any sense of failure. It’s all so picture perfect!
And obviously I know not ALL of that
is true! Missionaries aren’t perfect and
they struggle…In fact I just finished reading this book about a missionary from
Papua New Guinea who shared throughout the story her own struggles with her
calling, and her relationship with God, and how different God’s plan looked
being lived out compared to how she had imagined it! But I can’t help but have this idea…this
standard in my head…that now that people know I feel called to missions, I’m supposed
to live up to.
And that’s where the problem comes in….because I
know I don’t live up to that standard….in fact I’m nowhere close it. I don’t feel qualified….I’m not all that
talented….I don’t like to stand out…. I struggle to find my place in the body…I
doubt God sometimes….I don’t understand everything in the Bible…..I still don’t
fully grasp this concept of grace…I’m still learning who God is….I
wonder why God would ever choose me….and there’s a whole mess more I could
share…but I think you get the point!
So when I come on here to write….to
share and work through some of these thoughts and feelings…I start to type out
the words and realize that if I’m going to be honest on here and say things
like what I started to say above…then….I’m basically proving to the world how
much I’m failing to be who it is I’m saying I’m called to be. In fact I seem to be saying….look at me, I
don’t measure up….see all the ways I’m not qualified…and how incapable I can
be! It’s scary to admit that….even through the computer
screen….especially when I know the very people reading this are the people I’ll
be counting on to support me as I pack up and ship out to live out this
calling!
I don’t know if that makes any sense…..but
basically, I’ve been struggling to blog because blogging is a place of honesty
for me…and…well…I fear in being honest and sharing my struggles, I’m giving
people reasons NOT to support me! But if
I am not honest in my writing then it basically defeats the whole purpose of
this blog to begin with….so it’s all pretty much a catch 22…and I’m not sure
what to do!
Why can’t it just be easier to fake
it until I make it?!?!
Jess, the only way you can fail is to quit. So, don't quit. and that includes sharing your heart as you feel compelled to.
ReplyDeleteI have two comments for you. The first is, in the same way that you are encouraged by other missionary's stories (including their stumbles), you are and will continue to encourage others. No one is perfect, and if you only share the parts that work out well or are a "shiny" example, then others will not have a realistic, achievable example to reference. Also if they want to pray for you, they won't know what areas you need prayer for. You know?
The second comment is: I'm sure God doesn't expect you to already be good at this. I bet this journey is as much about you developing your relationship with Him as it is about helping others.
Express yourself. You're doing great. I wish I'd had your level of awareness and faith when I was younger. Keep going :)