I talk a lot in my
life about the fact that I know I am a sinner.
I honestly mention the fact that I sin so frequently that to be honest… sometimes...sadly...
I forget the weight of sin….that it cost God everything. However, that does not negate the fact that I
AM in fact…a sinner. In any given day I
will have hurt someone with either my thoughts or words… or sometimes both… I
will have lied, gossiped, gotten angry or jealous, thought more about what I want and what makes
me feel comfortable than what honors God, I will have been defensive, judgmental,
hypocritical….and well the list could go on and on and on…but you get the
point. The thing is… I constantly try to
calm the anguish inside of me that knows I shouldn’t be this way, by simply
saying, “But I’m only human”. And what
makes matters worse, is that after knowing all this filth is inside of me and
after seeing what I’m capable of… I not only cast it off as "being Human", but
then I go on to expect others to NOT act
that way…as if they aren’t allowed to be human as well!
My oldest sister use
to tell me all the time that it’s usually the things we dislike most about
ourselves that annoy us the most in
other people….I’m pretty sure it’s an Irish proverb or something. The thing is ...it’s so true! You see, I don’t like that I am so……Human…..that
I constantly fall down into a pit of sin…..BUT
I hate it even more when other people do it….especially when their sin
affects me! How hypocritical am I!
For example, I can
think of two very specific relationships in my life right now where I do
this. In one relationship I struggle
because I feel like this other person is always trying to put on a show and act
so holy, and perfect and blameless…..and in the other relationship I struggle
because I always feel like the other person thinks they can treat me however
they want and yet no matter what, I should just automatically forgive them. The thing is….if I were honest….I do the exact
same things! I can’t count the amount of
times I’ve tried to come off as so perfect and holy and above it all….putting
on a show in order to be accepted. And I
hate to admit it, but there are so many more times I've wronged others and then got
mad because they didn’t forgive me in my time table, than times I've handed out
blanketed forgiveness! It’s pathetic! So what right do I have to condemn
others?! I don’t!
Now what, though?! It’s not like confessing this….even to God…and
asking for forgiveness is going to automatically make me less of a
hypocrite. I’m not going to wake up
tomorrow and never again feel frustrated by the humanness of others while at
the same time dismissing my own humanness.
I can try…I can keep working towards change….but I’ll never be
perfect. So where does that leave
me? I guess it leads me towards being a
little more loving, a little more understanding, and a little more
compassionate. I guess it opens my eyes
up a little bit more to the reality that we are all in this together and we
need each other to make. And I guess it
makes me more grateful to God, for loving me and for never giving up on
me!
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