Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Cause Sometimes You Just Have to Tell it as it is....

  So I had a team conference call tonight for the missions trip I am going on this summer, and once again about an hour before I was suppose to dial in I started getting all nervous.  It was as if I was getting ready to go on a date or something...I mean here I am sitting there thinking... I hope they like me, I hope I don't say anything stupid, I hope they don't discover some hidden trait of mine that will get me black-balled from the group!  I... am... ridiculous!  I mean...HELLO!....it's a conference CALL!  I could literally sit there on the phone in my birthday suit and in the bathroom on the toilet and nobody would know (in reality I sat at the kitchen table in my work clothes...just so you know).  Plus I usually spend about 90% of the phone call just listening to other people talk....so what am I so worried about?!?!
   Then it dawned on me.....this is pretty much how I think in ALL social circumstances.  I swear I have some form of social anxiety  cause I find myself worried about the strangest things when I'm in a group setting.  I mean, where some people might be thinking about the answer to a question, I'm thinking about whether or not I have an accent or if the fact that I talk to fast and quietly will mean that nobody will care what I have to say.  Or while people are worshiping at church, I'll be sitting there wondering if the shoes I am wearing make me look too tall and thus if I should take them off or just move to a different seat further in the back.  Or like tonite, when we are praying....most people were probably thinking about God, and here I am worried that I am breathing too hard into the receiver (Yep...I need to work on being a little more spiritual, but at least I have the honesty thing down).
  And I know I shouldn't worry about what people think of me.  Heck, I just got an email today with my churches weekly newsletter attached, through out which my pastor kept emphasizing that our identity is in Christ!  So I know that I should just relax and rest in the knowledge that I am fully and completely loved by God, not because of who I am or what I've done, but because of who He is and what He's done for me........But....somehow... it seems... all that head knowledge gets lost in translation on it's way to my heart and I never really find myself resting God's acceptance as an end all be all.
    I guess in a sense this is a little too honest of a post.....especially for some one who cares so much about what others think...and for someone whose suppose to be this great Christian.  But maybe honesty really is the first step to recovery....and in that case maybe this is the first step in the right direction....


  1. I love your honesty, Jessica. We all need to be honest and share those things we are insecure about so that we know we are not alone.

    I struggle with social anxiety too. It manifests itself differently than yours but it's still troublesome nonetheless. I feel like I talk too much or too little and I'm always replaying what i said or what I did and wonder if I offended someone or hurt their feelings and oh my goodness, I'm crazy! :)

  2. Is it weird that this is the first time in my life I actually feel free to share these things....like it's possible that I might not get stoned for doing so?!?! But anyway, you are so right....hearing that other people struggle too....it plays into that freedom....and makes it more okay to admit that I'm not always the perfect little Christian (I almost wrote stepford wife there...but I guess in a way, it's all the same)!