So at church today, there
was a time to give testimony’s…basically an opportunity to share what God has
been teaching you through the sermon series we had just finished. All week I prayed about it and promised God
that although I hadn’t heard or read all the sermons, if He had something for
me to share then despite my fear I would get in front of the group and do
so. Except…when push came to shove….I
couldn’t…and I didn’t. How do you stand
in front of a group of people and try to explain something you don’t truly
understand yourself?!?!….and how do you do it when it’s obvious you don’t
understand or feel the same thing everyone else in the group seems to
feel?!?! So instead, I sat in my seat….let
the tears roll….and began to write out what I would have shared….
You see I grew up in church. I’ve sat in Sunday school and services since
I was able to walk. I know the basics of
faith…or at least I do in my head. I
know that I am saved by the grace of God, that it’s His work alone that makes
me acceptable….or as my pastor has been saying, “Its Jesus plus Nothing”! But the thing is….secretly…..I’ve always thought
it was God who saved me and what I do that keeps me in the palm of His
hand. And while that puts a lot of
pressure on me to always get it right and not disappoint God…I’ve always found
comfort in this “Jesus plus something” mentality.
So sitting in
service today…as I began to write this all down… I started thinking….why?....Why
do I find so much security in what I do?
It’s not like anything I do is really all that good…even my best efforts
are tainted with pride and self centeredness….it’s basically like I’m standing
before God holding up to Him the very dirt He made and hoping He’ll see my good in
it! But why? Why?
Well carrying the
thought out even more, I began to do some soul searching and I wrote a truth that shocked me! Because you see, I think what
it really it comes down to is that if all of this is based on what
I do, then I don’t have to rely on anyone else.
You see, If I truly believe that my faith is “Jesus plus Nothing” then I
have to place all my trust and faith in God…and that’s scary…that takes RISK! But if I think it’s “Jesus plus something”…something
I do…then my trust and reliance is on me….therefore I NEVER have to risk putting
my hope or trust in someone else….someone….who….could…Fail me…
The bible tells me
to cast all my cares upon God for He cares for me. It says that He has plans to prosper me and
not to harm me...Plans to give me a hope and a future. From the moment I was conceived, even before
I was a thought in my mother’s head, God loved me. He formed me in her womb….He knows my
thoughts, the hairs on my head, when I sit down and when I rise. He knows everything I’ve ever done and
everything I will ever do…and He loves me.
And His love….God’s love…its perfect…never ends….unfailing. I can trust in it. So why don’t I?
Honestly…I don’t
know. I’m not really good at trusting
anyone. I grew up in a great
family. I have an amazing dad. But…Yeah…even when I look to my own family structure
I see the pattern of me knowing I am loved, but also me working hard to keep it
that way by what I do. Why do I do this? Why can’t I just accept love and acceptance
like everyone else? Why do I always
assume there are strings attached and that if I don’t hold up my end of the
bargain everything will fall apart? Why
is it easier for me to trust that it’s “Jesus plus Something” then to trust
that it’s “Jesus plus Nothing” that equals my everything?!?
And I know I’m not
suppose to say all this out loud….let alone think it.
I’m just suppose to know deep in my heart that I am fully and completely
loved by God and nothing can or ever will change that…..not anything I do and not
anything I don’t do. And, I guess, in a way I do know that…I know it in my head…..I’m just hoping some day….someway….maybe through even being this honest....that this
knowledge moves those six inches from my head to my heart!
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