Sunday, December 12, 2010

Faith, failure and former glory...

Growing up I was a HUGE fan of playing softball.  In fact I was the youngest player ever (well at that time) to be allowed on a little league team and played for the town for over ten years.  I was good…and I knew it.  But as I got older ….I gained weight and started losing my “STAR” ability.  In fact I remember this one game in particular towards the end of my softball “career” when my coach pulled me aside right before I was about to go up to bat and said something along the lines of “Just hit the ball as far as you can and get on base….we’ll send someone else in to run the bases for you”.  You see…even though I was a much slower player, I still could hit a grand slam with the best of them….but it would take me F-O-R-E-V-E-R to round those bases….I just wasn’t conditioned for it….He knew it…and although I hated admitting it, I knew it.  After that game it became the norm for me to hit and then have a pitch runner finish up for me….and slowly I saw my joy for the game end…and I quit.  Basically I wanted to be great….to do it right…and if I couldn’t, I would rather not try.  I never would have thought about it then….but looking back now I can see how that perfectionist…”I have to get it all right and be the very best or else”…attitude has infiltrated so much of my life.  There have been so many things I’ve quit, given up on, or haven’t even tried because I fear doing it wrong.
   This weekend I have been reminded over and over and over again, in a bunch of different ways, just how imperfect I am…..I say things wrong (or the wrong thing) all the time, I do stupid things all the time, I embarrass myself on almost an hourly basis. I have had an attitude for no reason, judged people out of my own insecurity, been fake, lied, cheated, acted as if the whole world is about me, lived life in my own strength….and the list goes on.  For a girl that constantly fears failure…I sure have FAILED..ALOT… and it sucks.
THANK GOD for His AMAZING and completely UNDESERVED GRACE shown on the CROSS (of which I constantly need to be reminded of)….”for when we were utterly helpless, Christ came at just the right time and died for us sinners” (Romans 5:8)!

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