Friday, December 10, 2010

What to do when you don't know what to do?!?!

  Last months I went to the Women of Faith conference in Hartford and although I don’t remember really who was speaking or what about, I do remember that at one point on Saturday I started having this feeling…. this overwhelming sense that something was going on inside of me….like God was doing something but I couldn’t figure out what and I certainly couldn’t find the words to somehow even explain any of it.  The only way I can describe it even now is the equivalent to being on an operating table and being cut open….exposed….and left that way with your insides hanging out (not the nicest picture…sorry).  I didn’t know what to do with that though….how to keep living life as if everything was fine….when I felt like this huge thing was going on inside of me… yet I couldn’t talk about it because I couldn’t put words to it.  So that day I climbing to the very top of the XL center… the highest seat I could find, in the highest row available.  And I sat there…alone…literally crying out to God and asking Him either to help me figure out was going on inside of me or just to take it away.  Eventually I went back down and sat with my group and slowly but surely got away from that frame of mind and spirit…..and honestly I forgot about that day….that is until today!
  Today I woke up expecting a restful relaxing day off.  I left the house early to run some errands while listening to a sermon (“The Gospel in Action” by Tim Chaddick), then I went to the coffee shop for a few hours to read (“The Irresistible Revolution” by Shane Claiborne), and then talked with two different people, both of whom are much more mature and spiritually wise then me, about faith and life.  And as this day went along I once again felt that same feeling from that Saturday at the Women of Faith Conference welling up inside of me…..and I once again didn’t know what to do with it and I still can’t explain it.  It’s like an ache in my heart…if there is such a thing….and I have no words….no understanding…. No ideas…I can’t even explain it….it just there…!
  So I went to the gym.  Now the gym for me has always been a place of sanity!  No matter how frazzled I feel going into a workout…coming out I always find such clarity.  Today I was expecting no different (I was even more excited too because I signed up with a new gym this morning and had all this new equipment to play with)!  But my workout came and went …and it was a good work out, yet I left the building still feeling this “burden” of sorts with me.  Then I went out to dinner with friends and even to women’s fellowship at church…and I just couldn’t shake it.  And now here I sit…wide awake when I should be getting ready for bed…feeling like I’m lost….like my heart is aching for things I know not of with words I cannot express and I don’t know what to say or what to do with it. 
  I don't know what's going on.....and it all makes me so nervous because these are the exact thoughts and feelings that lead to me being 300+ pounds.  I would have all these experiences and feel all these things but was unable to give a voice to any of it....and not being able to talk it out led to eating...lots of eating....looking for something to fill that ache inside of me.  I know now that God is the answer...not food...but if I have the answer why am I still feeling this way?!?!  It's all so frustrating!  I have no words!

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