Thursday, January 12, 2012

What's REALLY going on here?!?!?....

  The last two days I have been craving junk like crazy!  I see chips….and I want them.  I see cookies…. And I want them.  I see soda and I want it!  And it’s not like I don’t allow myself to have these things ever, but not in the amounts that I am craving them!  Now, before I got back on track with this weight loss journey, there were times where I would go to the store, buy a huge bag of tortilla chips and a large jar of “chile con queso” dip and hide up in my room while I devoured it all in less than 30 minutes.  And although that might sound absolutely disgusting to some of you, I can’t deny that the thought of doing just that has crossed my mind in the past few days!
  The thing is, I’m realizing more and more that moments like that, where I binge…and do it in secret…. have a lot more to do with the issues of my heart than the hunger in my stomach.  You see, I could sit here and say, well obviously the reason I’m craving so much junk food is because I haven’t been drinking enough water (which is very true considering both yesterday and today I’ve barely gotten in half of my goal of 80oz of water a day), but I know even if I had gotten in 100oz of water yesterday I would still want the chips and cookies and soda! Those things have become such “comfort” to me over the years.  I run to them when I am feeling anxious or stressed or misunderstood or just plain out of my comfort zone!  I know it may sound funny but food has always been there for me.  And yeah after a binge I will usually feel eaters remorse and regret the choice (which I should perceive is going to happen by the fact that I feel the need to eat it in hiding), but in the moment…when I don’t know what to do, or where to turn, or how to express what I am feeling, food is there…and so I run to it!  The thing is, now that I know this about myself I feel I have the responsibility to look past the craving and discover what’s really going on in my heart….what “issue” is driving me to food? 
  To be honest, I think the root issue the past few days has been fear of what people are thinking about me.  I like to be perceived in a good light, I like knowing people think well of me and respect me, and I thrive with their support.  But lately I find myself becoming too overly concerned with what people think.  I’ve taken my eyes off of God and honoring Him, and started making decisions based on what will make people like me more.  I’ve moved God out of the center of my life and made myself the center of the universe…..and for that I repent.  When I give God his rightful place in my life, and I live my life for Him, then that fear of what people think of me begins to fade.  When I know  I am walking in the light and my heart is right with God, then it doesn’t really matter to me so much if Joe Schmo thinks I’m doing a good job or if Jane Doe thinks my motives are pure enough.  When I seek my approval in God, I am accepted…..and that gives me all the comfort I need, without the food!  So take a lesson from me... if you’re on this journey and find yourself reaching for that bag of chips, take a moment and really evaluate what’s going on in your heart and you might just find you don't need it, even before you take that first bite!

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