So today was my first day back to work after returning from Ecuador. To put it simply... it was hard. The day wasn't bad. I got my work done and didn't feel overwhelmed by it. I just would have much rather spent my day holding Orena or trying to make Dion smile. I longed to yell "No, es tu papel" in a joking manner with "El Ocho", the only kid in the world who would get the silliness of it, or to run around tickling mi pequena amigas at Hogar Valle Feliz as "payback" for laughing at me trying to dance and sing with them. I want to be there....back with them...DESPERATELY....but alas I'm here, in the states, with work to go to. So I did...with my heart back in Ecuador.
|(The view from the top of the Hill)|
I remember on one of my final nights in Quito I climbed up to the upper part of the property on which "our" house was and looked out on the amazing view of the city lights while worshiping and praying, and literally crying my eyes out to God. I didn't want to leave. I told God that. The trip hadn't been easy for me....my introverted and sometimes extremely quiet and awkward personality, made me feel stretched to the limit....and yet I had LOVED every minute of it. And sitting up on that stairway, looking down on the city, I felt so close to God..... Close enough to have a holy moment with Him...a moment that I know I will look back on for the rest of my life and think "That's when EVERYTHING changed"!
And So now I sit here, back in my "Home" contemplating what all this means, where do I go from here, and how to live out the promises I made to God on that Holy Hill. It's strange how clearly I feel God spoke to me in that moment, and yet....even after all I learned about God's faithfulness on this trip....I find myself scared to jump into the water. Funny how it was just yesterday I said I was diving in.
To be honest, I'm more scared about what people will think about me "Jumping" than I am about trusting God in spite of the fact that He's turning my whole life upside down. I know God will take care of me. It won't be easy, but I trust Him. It's just....I want other people to get it....to understand it and to support it. I want my family to stand beside me in it and my friends to carry me through it in prayer and words or encouragement. But I fear they won't get it...and thus they won't stand with me in it. Instead I'll stand alone......with God...but alone in this world.
I remember while preparing to go on this trip to Ecuador, I was talking to a friend telling her that I was worried because I was going to a country I had never been to with a bunch of people I had never met and I felt like I had nobody to rely on but God. She turned to me and said, "Maybe that's the point.....to rely fully on God"! And maybe that's the point in all of this......that I would live my entire life fully and completely dependent on the one who gave this life to me.
So yes.... once again.... I am choosing to Jump...to dive in...to rely fully on my God! It's all for your glory Lord! Amen!