So the other night my sister and I had one of our talks...the kind we have every few months when one or both of us realize that something is not working and our living situation has gone to the pits. It was a good conversation...different than I expected but good. Surprisingly in the midst of our conversation I made a confession that I don’t think I’ve spoken out loud all year…and that is that I’m just not happy. I realize now looking back on the conversation that my comment could have been taken a million ways but really what I meant was I wasn’t happy on the inside and no matter what we change in our relationship that fact will never change unless I do something about it.
The reality is I haven’t been happy for a while and honestly it stems from not being comfortable in my own skin. When I was my heaviest at 310lbs I was super unhappy. I would cry myself to sleep and felt alone in the world. I hated who I was and who I was becoming. But I never expected to still feel that way after losing over 100lbs. Yet here I sit still 102lbs lighter than I was then and still not satisfied. In fact I think that’s why I enjoy the concept of “abundant life” so much….this idea that every moment in life can be so full that it’s bursting at the seems and you can’t help but lose yourself in the pure emotion of it all. That’s the kind of life I want to lead…but I can’t…cause I’m stuck in this overweight body that holds me back from being as confident and forth coming as God created me to be.
That’s why this year I am eagerly looking forward to working on all aspects of my life. I’ve started a wall of thanks in my room where each night I write one thing I am thankful for so that every day I am reminded of the good things I have in my life. I also started reading my bible consistently again and really spending time remembering who God is and what he’s been/done for me. And today was the first day this year that I got in a real workout (not one of those cheesy ones I tend to do when I’m not sure what to do) and reminded myself that I have the power to change anything in my life…I’ve just got to be willing to put in the time and effort.
I believe this is going to be a year of restoration for me. A year where I am reminded of the true joy I once knew (and not just because I was skinnier but because I was finally being myself and living life) and an opportunity to not only love myself more but to find that joy unspeakable that I know God has promised me!
I am not sure where this journey will lead…what it’s going to look like or how in any way it will play out…but I am committed to being honest and to sharing from the heart where ever I may go. So maybe this is a few days late…but here’s to 2010!
Jess
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