So for most of my life I have been quite anti-relationships. I’ve always sort of felt like people are always going to disappointment me and hurt me… and I am going to do the same to them …and ultimately in the end the pain isn’t worth the momentary pleasure of our time together. In the past few years or so my heart has slowly begun changing and now I am at a point in life where in these past few weeks I literally feel my heart breaking and aching for others in a way I can’t even begin to explain. It seems I can’t quite get a handle on all the love I feel in my heart for people… and the desire I have to truly know others and be known by them.
The other day I received in the mail some information and a video from Show Hope an organization that helps with international adoption as well as providing surgery and other special care for some of their special needs orphans. As I read thru the pamphlets and watched their video I literally sat on my floor weeping for these kids….orphans just longing for someone, anyone to love them… and these families who have stepped up to the miracle of adoption. I thought about how beautiful of a picture it is of a child being so lonely…so desperate…and then finding all their wildest dream and more met with a family. I thought of how that picture translates into my relationship with God and those around me….and I wept some more.
I read another story in a magazine today about an army vet who had always dreamed of running a marathon but was injured in the line of duty so much so that that it caused severe mental retardation. His friends…brothers in this war with him… took a stand together and trained to push this man, wheel chair and all, 26.2 miles so that he could fulfill his dream. I thought about how he gave his life to fight for his country and how it could have gone completely unnoticed…as so often it does…but his friends chose make it matter. I thought about how his friends must have loved him so much to do this for him knowing full well that he would never be able to thank them and quite possibly would never recognize what they had done! I thought of him in his mind screaming out a thank you that would never be heard but only see through his eyes….and I wept.
Then I sat in a fellowship meeting at my church tonight and I looked around the room and thought about how much of a miracle it is that all of us were able to meet and come together like we did. I thought about how individually unique everyone is in their thoughts, gifts and outlooks on life. I thought about how much we all have to share and to offer our group….and how so often we cover up our true selves for fear of being rejected and hurt. And secretly in my heart I ached as I thought about how much I truly want to know these people and to have us walk out this life in communion with each other. God says he places the lonely in a family and as I looked around the room tonight I was filled with the love that I can only really explain as the love one would have for their family. Then I got in my car…and I wept.
Now I’ve always been a emotional person….I’ve always take things personally and took on other peoples pain….but this is something so much more than that and I know that because for once I don’t find myself looking for comfort in food or longing for the escape of working out. Instead I find myself content…on my knees….in prayer….and I think for now that is where I need to stay.