This past week was a pretty overwhelming week for me. For one, I over committed myself and had no me time…which for an introvert is pretty much setting yourself up for failure. And then I had a lot I needed to think through and pray about…which doesn’t really happen when you’re just moving from one activity to the next to the next. Plus I do this thing when I’m busy where I stop giving my best to things and just focus on getting through them… then I get mad because things aren’t turning out as I want, because I’m not giving enough to them…and then I start to feel like I suck at everything. Before I know it I spiral down into this sense of despair and become depressed…and then I beat myself up even more for feeling that way! After that I try to cover it all up so nobody will know and think less of me…but then I feel all alone, so I become even more depressed and hopeless…..and the hole just gets deeper and deeper and deeper! NO BUENO (see my Spanish lessons are starting to rub off on me)!
Luckily last night I started to climb my way out…thanks to the study some of us are doing at my church on the book “The Battlefield of the Mind” by Joyce Meyers (Side Note: I’ve known of Joyce Meyers for years but never really paid attention to her because I figured she was just like all those other big time preachers who get wrapped up in making money instead of carrying out God’s message and bringing glory to Him. Turns out, she actually does have a lot of wisdom….and clearly I miss judged her).
Then this morning I was standing in service during worship and it was like God spoke to me these words, “Just so you know, I never called you to be God”. Now frankly, I’m not really big on the whole “God spoke to me” thing. I believe God can speak to people…and He can speak to me….but it’s always weird when it happens because it’s not like you can hear his audible voice! Yet something inside of me (call it the spirit If you want) clearly spoke those words to my heart…and it shocked me.
To be honest….I act like I’m God a lot. It’s not like its intentional or anything… I just like to make sure everyone is happy, feels accepted, has everything they need, etc…. So I go out of my way to give… serve …be…. whatever is needed so they can have that. And just so you don’t think I’m some sort of saint, my motives aren’t always pure…in fact sometimes I do all this for others because a part of me believes that somehow in doing so I’ll receive the same things myself. So I work my butt off…trying to do everything…be everything…save everyone…control everything…basically be God! And it’s overwhelming!
Today in service when I felt like God was speaking to me, it was like a slap in the face….not a b*tch slap, or an angry mamma slap, but more of a snap-out-of-it kind of slap you’d give someone whose going into shock! It’s like God was saying, “look I’m God…you’re not. So stop trying to control everything. Stop trying to make everything work out and be just right. Stop trying to make the world spin. The weight of the world was never meant to be carried on your shoulder and I never asked you to carry it! So stop!”. And it wasn’t said judgmentally or anything…more in kind of a tough love sense…telling me what I needed to hear whether I wanted to hear it or not!
God’s like that…..He knows what I need, when I need it and how I will best be able to receive it in any particular moment or situation! It’s kind of amazing…okay more than kind of! Anyway, I would be lying if I told you now everything is perfect…cause let’s face it life is not a sitcom where everything gets resolved by the end of the show. But I did some repenting…and venting…and journaling…and honestly, I feel better…like my burden has been lifted or lightened. Hum…I guess that’s what it’s supposed to feel like when you actually let God be God!